Monday, March 5, 2012Tonight's picture was taken in September of 2002. Mattie was five months old and in love with rice cereal. Even at five months, sitting in a high chair did not interest him. He eventually migrated to a high chair, when he literally couldn't fit any longer in his beloved carseat! What I love about this picture was the way Mattie was staring at me. He was transfixed, and actually even as he got older, he always seemed to have one eye on me if I were in the room with him.
Quote of the day: The optimist sees the rose and not its thorns; the pessimist stares at the thorns, oblivious to the rose. ~ Kahlil Gibran
As tonight's quote points out, we have the choice to be an optimist or a pessimist. I do think as individuals we tend to lean toward one or the other of these outlooks. For myself, when it comes to viewing other people and understanding their behaviors and feelings, I tend to be an optimist. However, I am not as gracious with myself, instead inwardly I tend to be more pessimistic.
I had the wonderful opportunity today to be taken out to lunch by Bonnie. Bonnie is the executive director of the DC counseling licensure board, the board I chair, and have chaired for more years than I care to admit. Bonnie has known me as a doctoral student, then a new mom, and then as a mom who was losing her son to cancer. Bonnie introduced me to a wonderful restaurant in DC, and as we sat in this cozy french bistro, I felt almost as if I was being transported to Paris thanks to the food, the decor, and the music. Bonnie and I have fiery personalities and we both call things as we see them. A quality I appreciate and admire in a friend and colleague. I had a lovely time away from what I normally would be doing during the day and am grateful to Bonnie for her support of our Foundation's Symposium. When I realized I wanted to get continuing education units for professionals to attend the Foundation's Symposium on March 20, I reached out to Bonnie to find out the process I needed to follow to apply. Bonnie let me know today that the DC Nursing Licensure board just approved our Symposium's content for continuing education credits! So I am thrilled, now nurses, licensed professional counselors, social workers, and psychologists can all attend and get continuing educational credit for their time and participation.
After lunch, I headed to my third acupuncture appointment. I told the therapist that I have developed terrible stomach pains over the last two days. Not mild pain, but intense. Last night I was doubled over in pain. She feels this could be a sign that the therapy is beginning to work. Keep in mind that she is not only treating my headaches, but the pain from my bladder and mass issue as well. So she does stick needles into my abdomen each week. I am definitely getting used to the pain when the needles enter my body, and the beauty of acupuncture is it forces me to close my eyes and relax for an hour without moving. My body has forgotten how to relax, and I believe living in a PICU and dealing with Mattie's cancer and death has left me in a state of being hyper alert! After awhile living in this prolonged stressful state, things start breaking down. So in a way, acupuncture is therapeutic for me because it forces me to slow down and get in touch with how I am feeling. The therapist asked me today if after my last two treatments I noticed a change in how I felt emotionally. Specifically she asked me if I felt more "joy" in my life. My response to her was that the word joy is not something I am comfortable with in general. I am not sure if other parents who have lost a child feel this way, but the notion of feeling happiness and joy provokes intense guilt in me. Perhaps we would call this survivor guilt from a clinical perspective, but from a mom perspective it just doesn't seem right that the rest of us go on, and Mattie doesn't.
I would like to end tonight's posting with a message I received today from my mom. She entitled it.... How can you not love Kristen? The answer is you CAN'T!
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How Can You Not Love Kristen?
Virginia R. Sardi
Vicki, you love Kristen and I love Kristen too! Anyone who reads your blog would know how important Kristen was to Mattie at Georgetown University Hospital during his long hospital stays helping him through the ups and downs of his relentless battle against the insidious form of cancer that was to take his life. She explored every avenue of research that applied to his condition in a great compassionate effort to prolong his life, if not save it, for she always knew the odds were not in his favor. In watching her do her rounds in the PICU, I observed that she never lost sight of what was important. That a human drama was unfolding in the confines of every room that she visited was never lost on her. She assessed the situation and behaved accordingly taking into account the emotional trauma of cancer on the pediatric patients and their parents. Mattie was a strong willed child who determined for himself how tolerant he would be of invasive medical practices that infringed on his privacy and took over his space, even though he was only six years old. Kristen was sensitive to his moods. She could be serious when called for and be “down to earth” when Mattie had a good day and sought her participation in the fun and games that he so much loved to orchestrate with the hospital staff. She knew he controlled the dynamics of what went on his room and “game on” was a priority when he was not sick. So, she could laugh at his jokes, even manage a smile when the joke held a rebellious edge to it, play along with whatever he deemed was the agenda of the day, and try to explain the med stuff that was going on in an age appropriate way in a patient and non-threatening way, even when he was at his challenging best. Many doctors stick to the charts, analyze the statistics and make a medical pronouncement without any human interaction. Kristen knows that children have feelings which produce emotional reactions to disease and treatments. For this reason, I believe that Kristen is a great doctor who parents can trust and who can be counted upon to put their interests ahead of medical protocol or mere hospital politics. I love Kristen too because she stayed connected to you after Mattie died. I love her for writing to you every Tuesday in remembrance of Mattie! Not to be overlooked, I also love Kristen for helping you make contact with doctors with the potential to resolve your medical issues of the moment. It is always comforting in my mind to know that Kristen is on the case!!!
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