Wednesday, July 4, 2012Tonight's picture was taken in July of 2009. This was Mattie's last fourth of July with us. Peter, Mattie, and I joined Ann and her family at a local resort for that holiday. Pictured with Mattie are Abbie (Ann's youngest daughter) and Jackson (Abbie's friend). I was able to capture a happy moment on camera that day, but for the most part, Mattie was absolutely miserable on that trip while being surrounded by healthy children. This trip accomplished exactly the opposite of its intention. What it did was it spiraled Mattie's mood further down hill. Which of course deeply impacted Peter and I. What it reminded us was we could no longer live a normal life, we were and are different from those around us with healthy children. Despite how upset Mattie was and how intense his level of depression was, I understood it all too well. I understood why he felt the way that he did, and I felt frustrated because I couldn't change the situation for him and make it better. After all, that is what a parent is supposed to do! In fact living with cancer, takes all power away from you, and instead you are left to pull from resources you did not even know existed. It took every ounce of energy I had to try to protect Mattie, normalize a horrible situation, and literally fight and advocate for his health care throughout the entire process. Nonetheless, I look at the smile you see in tonight's picture, and it reminds me of the Mattie that existed before cancer transformed his personality and our lives.
Quote of the day: It is during our darkest moments that we must focus to see the light. ~ Aristotle Onassis
Today seemed like a lost day, we never left our home, until this evening when we saw the fireworks. Living in DC, has several advantages. One of which is July 4th. We literally can walk out of our home, and right in front of us are the Capital Fireworks. However, with that comes other issues. Traffic is awful, streets are blocked off, and security is everywhere. So literally it is impossible to get anywhere by car on July 4th. Naturally we could walk to things, but with the temperatures the way they are, it is hard to truly walk for any significant amount of time. So that doesn't leave us with many options. Not a great thing especially when I am already feeling sad and in a mood.
This evening, as we headed to watch the fireworks, families with children were leaving our complex to find a place to sit outside to see the show. The children were happy, excited, and full of energy. The exact opposite of how I felt, and yet I watch them and they reminded me of Mattie. Mattie disliked the noise associated with the fireworks, but once you covered his ears, he absolutely loved the display, the colors, and the excitement.
As Onassis' quote points out, sometimes you really need to focus to see the light. I know I had to literally tonight, because with even the most intricate and costly fireworks display in front of me for 20 minutes, my mind was else where. When living through these darkest moments, it is hard to see moments of joy, happiness, and to appreciate what is before me. I brought my camera with me tonight, NATURALLY, and I snapped some pictures which I will share with you below. The display this year was incredibly colorful, and within it were all sorts of shapes like cubes, hearts, the earth, and stars!
To all our readers, thank you for continuing to read Mattie's blog and we hope you had a wonderful July 4th!!!
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