Monday, September 3, 2012Tonight's picture was taken in April of 2002, days after Mattie's birth. If Mattie wasn't sleeping on my shoulder, then this had to be his second favorite place to sleep..... his car seat! Mattie preferred sleeping upright at all times! Thankfully Mattie was born in the spring time, because he and I spent many hours outside strolling back and forth in his carriage. Mattie LOVED movement and it was only through movement that he would calm down. But it wasn't the kind of movement generated from putting his car seat on top of a washing machine (like I have heard some parents doing) or even driving him around in a car! Those things did not work for Mattie, only natural movement that involved outdoor air worked!
Quote of the day: We can only be said to be alive in those moments when our hearts are conscious of our treasures. ~ Thornton Wilder
Peter and I said our good-byes to his parents this morning and we were in the car and ready to drive home at 9:30am. I was concerned that we would run into traffic and I did not want Peter driving into the night, given that he has a full day of work tomorrow.
The last time we visited Boston, Mattie was with us. So this was our first trip back with just the two of us. It is hard to go from three back down to two, and this loss becomes magnified for me, when I see Mattie's cousins growing and developing. I unfortunately can not imagine Mattie passed the age of 7, but as I observe Mattie's cousins (who are 11, 13, and 15), it makes me wonder. Last night, Peter's family got together and by happenstance began looking at family photos. The kids (our nephews and niece) were intrigued by seeing pictures of their parents and grandparents. Photos are a wonderful documentation of change, evolution of a family, and most importantly of the history of a family. I am happy the kids can look at photos with us and also enjoy doing this, but once again, I found observing this very difficult because it is something Peter and I will never be able to do with Mattie. It is funny how an innocent and everyday activity for others, has become a trigger of all sorts of sensitivities for me. I have no desire to look back at pictures of Peter and I, for me my clock is locked on the time period between 2002 and 2009 (the years Mattie was alive). I am sure there are all sorts of explanations for this, but for now, it is what it is.
Our drive to DC took about 8 hours. Along our journey, we stopped in New Jersey. At the rest stop Peter parked the car, and when I opened the door to the car and looked down, there were three pennies staring at me. Lately I do not just find an occasional penny, instead I am finding them in bunches of 3's. When I see this threesome, I always pick it up, and think to myself that this is a message from Mattie.... that he is thinking of the 3 of us together.
As we approach Mattie's three year anniversary, I appreciate the emails you are sending me and of course your reported sightings of butterflies! I am honored that you think of Mattie when you see the moon, the sun, pennies, and butterflies!!!
I am signing off for tonight and head to Georgetown tomorrow for my MRI. I have already alerted one of Mattie's doctors about my test, because she is kind enough to give me results before my own doctor. She understands that waiting to hear results is beyond stressful for our family given all that we have survived. Thank goodness for special people like her.
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