Wednesday, September 5, 2012 Tonight's picture was taken in June of 2002. Mattie was two months old. Contrary to what Mattie's pediatrician told me, I believe Mattie was indeed smiling and trying to communicate to me in this photo. Versus the clinical explanation the doctor gave me which was that infants at this age do not smile, but instead have "gas," which can be mistaken for smiling. Regardless of opinion, Mattie was born ON and alert, and this was something ALL of us agreed upon!
Quote of the day: I don't remember who said this, but there really are places in the heart you don't even know exist until you love a child. ~ Anne Lamott
My friend Charlie sent me this quote today, and as soon as I read it, it brought a smile to my face. I suppose it did that because I agree wholeheartedly with Anne. Mattie brought a whole new world and dimension to me, and his presence in the world defines who I am as a person, and my priorities moving forward in life. I would admit that I was always a deeply feeling and intuitive person, but the special bond and love Mattie and I shared with each other, opened up places in my heart that I did not even know existed. Becoming a parent transforms any of us, if you doubt this, just ask the parent of a newborn. From the moment a baby is born, regardless of your education, cultural background, or socioeconomic circumstances, this tiny bundle can test you, frazzle you, and love you in ways that you couldn't possibly imagine or READ about. I have had many people ask me whether knowing what I know now (that Mattie would get cancer and die), do I ever regret having Mattie? That may sound like a bold question, but I get the sentiment with which it is being asked. My answer is always.... NO! Mattie was an amazing force in our lives, and though his physical presence is no longer, his beauty and spirit transcend the physical, and they impact me greatly even today.
This afternoon, I met up with my friend Tina for lunch. We hadn't seen each other for at least a month, which is a long time for us. We had a lovely time catching up and sharing stories. As Tina says, she needed her "Vicki Fix," which always gets me laughing. Tina gave me a few gifts at lunch. One was this lovely wooden plaque that I put on my kitchen windowsill. The plaque reads, "Good friends are like stars, you don't always see them but you know they're always there." As you can see my kitchen windowsill has my collection of angels on it, and it is a special collection to me. In addition, I have stained glass suns and butterflies all over this window. Seeing these things make me happy.
Tina also gave me this butterfly glass paperweight. I placed this paperweight right near the red pottery vase and paper tissue flowers Mattie made for me at the hospital for Valentine's Day (2009). This butterfly seemed to talk to Mattie's flowers, so I paired them together. One of the things Tina and I discussed was Mattie's upcoming anniversary and how I was going to acknowledge that day. No one has asked me this question this year (not to say that others aren't thinking it), and I very much appreciated her willingness to ask it as well as her interest in my response.
When I got home, I learned that my dad is ill. I knew he was battling a cold, but even on antibiotics, it wasn't going away. Now other symptoms have popped up, and therefore, I stopped with email and called my mom. Those of you who know me, realize I am not a phone person. So if I am making a call, I therefore deem the situation important. The doctor saw my dad in his office today and ordered him to have a CAT scan, however, the scan hadn't been scheduled yet. Therefore, my dad came home from the doctor's office not feeling well, and seemingly directionless on next steps. Fortunately, my mom is just as aggressive as I am, and after we talked, she mobilized forces and called the doctor herself. From Mattie's cancer battle, I know all too well how the medical system works, and no one is going to advocate for you or a loved one better than YOU. Doctors have a great deal of control over when things get done. If a doctor wants something done immediately, you would be surprised how scans and results can be accomplished in the SAME day. Needless to say, my dad is on the way to the hospital now and hopefully we will know some answers soon. I am not good at waiting for test results, and the geographic distance only compounds the waiting game.
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