Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Tuesday, September 11, 2012 -- Mattie died 157 weeks ago today.

 
Tonight's picture was taken on August 6, 2009. The day we found out that Mattie's cancer was terminal. It was a long day for us, and this picture captures a lot in many ways. Peter and I had just come back from a meeting with Mattie's oncologist. While we were in the meeting, Mattie was playing in the clinic, and Kathleen (pictured in pink with flowers), one of his outstanding HEM/ONC nurses from the inpatient unit, came down to also provide company and support. I honestly did not know if I was coming or going that day, and yet Mattie was first and foremost a child and wanted to show us what he just created at the art table in clinic. You can see Mattie was assessing us and our reactions. I held it together, as I always did in front of Mattie, but inside I felt as if I was dying. On the 11th anniversary of September 11th, I can't help but pause and feel for the thousands of families torn apart by this National disaster. Mattie did not die in a terrorist attack, but his death gives me great insight into how a loss of such magnitude can change an entire person's life and that of his/her family.


Quote of the day: 9/11 was a reminder that the bonds of family can be severed in an instant. They are essential, crucial, valuable, and fragile.  ~ Peter Jennings


Eleven years have passed, but the tragedy of 9/11 remains fresh in my mind. I began watching tributes and remembrance specials on TV this past weekend, and I continue to be in amazement over the emotions that such a nightmare evokes. It is quite possible to feel anger, hatred, disgust, hopelessness, fear, sadness, and even hope all at one time. The level of devastation is so profound and how survivors live with the memories of what they saw and experienced is beyond me. I imagine for them each day is a struggle, with many lasting physical and psychological side effects. For the survivors, and every family that lost someone dear on September 11th, my heart goes out to them.

Please know that I have great respect for all the first responders.....firefighters, police officers, medical personnel, and good Samaritans who worked under horrific conditions to save lives 11 years ago. When I got up this morning, in my email inbox, I received a message from the National Parks Service regarding the memorial site in Shanksville, PA. The location where United Flight 93 went down. I attached the video (https://myaccount.nationalparks.org/sslpage.aspx?pid=438&erid=15334497&trid=e375694b-c8d4-42d2-9d81-b99c1c4742df) that came with the email in case you wanted to see it. Flight 93 had 37 passengers and 7 crew members on it that day. I can only imagine the horror of being on that hijacked plane, and then while calling loved ones from the plane, passengers and crew learned that a massive suicide mission was well underway and deduced that the plane they were on was next. I believe that what makes America so special is its spirit, drive, and determination. The passengers and crew abroad flight 93 had two choices, they could remain calm and still and abide by what the terrorists told them to do, or they could fight back and try to divert the plane from hitting another major building and consuming more lives. This isn't an easy decision, and certainly if these people decided to do nothing, it would have been more than understandable given the harrowing and life threatening circumstances. But there is a very powerful message that we received from these Shanksville heroes, and that message is we on the ground were worth saving. They gave up their own lives to protect us. This incredibly selfless act of courage should never be forgotten, they weren't fighting for their family and friends that day, though I am sure that was in the back of their minds, but I imagine they made a decision that if they were going to die, they were going to die with dignity, respect, and honor.

When I went onto the National Parks website and clicked on this link (http://www.nps.gov/flni/photosmultimedia/virtualtour.htm) to the pictures of the passengers and crew, it made this tragedy incredibly real for me and helped me understand exactly who were these brave men and women aboard Flight 93.

We can all remember (assuming we were born at that point), where we were on September 11, 2001. I was home (keep in mind I live in Washington, DC, a stones throw from many of the monuments) and preparing for my classes that I was teaching later in the day. By that point I was two months pregnant with Mattie and when I watched this devastation on TV, I felt paralyzed. Peter was working in Virginia at the time, and he literally got in the car and drove INTO DC! Keep in mind that there was a mass exodus OUT of DC, yet Peter was trying to get back into the city and his description of the chaos he was seeing with people coming out of the city and the isolation of coming into the city is still overwhelming to me even today.

I was saddened to see when looking at The Washington Post today (in print, not the on line version), there wasn't a cover story on 9/11. In fact, I had to really dig through the paper to see any coverage of it at all. Why is that? I honestly do not know how I would react to this if I lost someone on 9/11, but what I have come to understand is that grief and loss is about REMEMBERING and not discussing it and making this visible in a newspaper caught my immediate attention in a negative way.