Tonight's picture was taken in July of 2009. Mattie was sitting at the clinic's art therapy table. The girl observing the action is Mattie's friend, Maya. Maya was the only same aged friend Mattie had at the Hospital. The adult sitting at the table with Mattie is Bob Weiman, or as my faithful readers know this is the "Magic Man." Bob was Mattie's head of the lower school and also an amazing magician. Throughout the year Mattie battled cancer, Bob came to the hospital and our home and took Mattie under his wing. Mattie learned all sorts of magic tricks. Magic was therapeutic for Mattie. It made him feel unique and that he possessed skills others did not have. Magic gave Mattie an outlet for others to interact with him, which was challenging since as Mattie's battle progressed, Mattie became more remote and reclusive. In this photo Mattie was performing the famous ring trick. This had to be one of my favorite tricks Bob taught Mattie. It is actually a hard trick to execute, but Mattie got it immediately.
Quote of the day: We are not the same persons this year as last; nor are those we love. It is a happy chance if we, changing, continue to love a changed person. ~ W. Somerset Maugham
Despite the heat, Peter and I got up and out today. We went for a walk this morning and decided to also go out for an early dinner to celebrate our wedding anniversary, which is tomorrow. There were aspects of today that were absolutely hysterical. Since Peter's car is still in Boston, we are driving around this weekend in my car. I decided to drive today and Peter was the passenger. This is very atypical for us and Peter's reaction was an absolute riot! It was a riot because he LOVED being the passenger. He was checking out the sites all around us, relaxing, listening to music, and the list went on. He had me laughing and apparently he now tells me that he wants me to do all the driving in the future. I don't think so! I don't like driving as much as Peter, but I got his point. Some times it is nice to be the passenger. That way one doesn't have to worry about traffic, directions, and so forth. Hearing Peter's commentary about DC's Memorial Bridge and even the Lincoln Memorial was fascinating. These are things I see all the time, but for him he got to see the details that of course get missed when he is driving behind the wheel.
Maugham's quote I think is very revealing and quite accurate about marriage. Each of us changes year to year. Nothing stays the same. That is even under the best of circumstances. However, I think having a child develop cancer and then die takes this quote to an absolute extreme or a whole new level. When Mattie developed cancer and then died this permanently altered me and Peter. These aren't little or subtle changes either. They are actually life altering changes and these changes are hard to accept within myself, much less accept the changes within Peter. Being married has its ups and downs, its good times and bad, and naturally its struggles. However, unlike what Maugham is implying, I don't think it is "happy chance" that enables us to continue loving the "changed" person. In fact it isn't chance at all. Rather it is compromise, hard word, listening, empathy, love, and understanding. All of these are the cornerstones that lay the foundation for a lasting relationship..... NOT chance.
Losing a child to cancer is a HUGE test on a marriage, which is why so many couples have great difficulties together after such a tragedy. I am not claiming to have any answers here, but I do freely admit that Mattie's death has changed us and the key for us is to continue to grow as a pair with these changes. Which isn't easy, because within each of us we constantly see Mattie, we remember our moments as parents, and we also have to confront a future without raising Mattie. These are our harsh realities which we must face daily and therefore finding the strength, courage, and love to navigate these waters can be treacherous. Typically for us there isn't a lot of laughter any more in our lives, but today there were aspects of absolute comedy. This lightness in a way is to be celebrated and the fact that we can find it together after all we have seen and experienced is a testament to our long lasting friendship.
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