Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2008. Mattie was three months into treatment at that point and he went to visit his good buddy, Campbell. As you can see they were enjoying Halloween cookies together. Though Mattie wasn't a sweets fan per se, he did like frosted vanilla based cookies, so I know this ghost cookie had to be a hit with him. It was moments like this when Mattie could get together with friends (certainly prior to his surgeries) and feel like he was living a normal life. But this feeling was always very short lived given the nature of his battle.
Quote of the day: I only share when I have no unmet needs that I'm trying to fill. I firmly believe that being vulnerable with a larger audience is only a good idea if the healing is tied to the sharing, not to the expectations I might have for the response I get. ~ Brene Brown
I had a full day of travel today. Thankfully with Dramamine on board, I was able to manage the five and a half hour flight to Los Angeles. The trip was bumpy but somehow I was so exhausted that I rested periodically throughout the journey. A rarity for me, because I never sleep on a plane.
When I boarded the plane, and took my seat it became apparent that I was assigned to sit in the same row with a mom and her two small children. Both under the age of 5. The mom was commenting to the people behind her that she was ON FULL DUTY with her children throughout the flight and therefore wouldn't be able to enjoy it the same way as those behind her. I overheard that comment and it stuck with me. Given her complaining, I figured I was in store for quite a flight with two active preschoolers next to me. However, I have to tell you, her two combined did not even come close to the level of Mattie's energy on a plane. Each of these children had their own iPad and I am serious, for five + hours they were plugged in. They did not make a peep, except once to go to the bathroom. Mind that was her son, her daughter never moved from her seat!
Throughout the flight, the mom was also plugged into her iPad. So that was three iPads all in a row. The mom watched movies, ate, and read. In all reality I was in absolute amazement! This was NOT what traveling with Mattie looked like at all. First of all, Mattie could never be plugged into anything for more than an hour. Mattie wanted to do things, build things, and he most definitely wanted human interaction. I could never go on a plane without a bag of tricks, filled with puzzles, legos, hot wheels, coloring books, books, and the list went on! Needless to say by the time a flight to LA was completed with Mattie, so were my entire bag of tricks. I NEVER watched a movie on the plane, read a book or magazine, or had a meal in peace and neither did Peter! After I saw how this mom's flight was, I laughed inside because it made me reflect on our flying experiences with Mattie.
In many ways, Mattie was a better traveler than me. He loved adventure, the feelings of motion related to turbulence, and he just loved new experiences. While staring at this little boy next to me today, I couldn't help but reflect on Mattie. After all, back then at that age, Mattie also was the picture of health. It seems downright impossible to believe and accept that Mattie is no longer alive and part of our world. How do you nurture and help an infant grow to age seven, and then find he is taken away from you by a disease out of your control? It is a loss that always plays mind games with your mind, heart, and soul.
I brought several books with me on this trip. One book I started reading a while ago and then never finished it. It was a book given to me by my niece. In any case, in the book's plot the main character's cat dies. This young girl is very attached to her cat, in fact she feels the cat embodies the soul and spirit of her deceased grandfather. In any case, the book highlights grief and how this girl handles her dear furry friend's death. She is devastated and many around her tell her they are sorry, but it was just a cat. That she will get over it and get another pet! Needless to say, I completely related to what was happening to this girl, especially since we recently lost Patches, our dear calico cat of 17 years. Cats and people are NOT replaceable. I wish our society simply accepted this fact, but I realize it is much easier of course to not address the emotions and to move on and substitute one thing for another.
I am safely in Los Angeles and have reconnected with my parents. It is mind boggling that one coast can be rainy, gloomy, and cold and the other sunny and glorious. It was 85 degrees today in LA and the sun was shining. I frankly wanted to take a photo of the sun, since we haven't seen in DC for a week! Things are green here, birds are singing, and it really is a different world here in the Fall.
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