Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2008. Mattie went to visit his "girlfriend" Charlotte at her house. Mattie and Charlotte met each other in kindergarten and took an instant liking to one another. Mattie had a way of making Charlotte laugh, and Charlotte's laugh was contagious. I can clearly remember the fun they had together and as you can see this was just one of their many antics together (look closely, Charlotte was behind Mattie). Mattie did not understand what a girlfriend actually was, but he referred to Charlotte as his girlfriend and he even gave her an engagement ring (a ring he got at the dentist office for a good cleaning)! It is ironic to me that in Mattie's short seven years that he would grow so attached to someone, as if on some level he knew he had to pack a lot in while living on this earth.
Quote of the day: Some of you say, "Joy is greater than sorrow," and others say, "Nay, sorrow is the greater." But I say unto you, they are inseparable. Together they come, and when one sits, alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed. ~ Kahlil Gibran
My mom and I went for a walk today and on our return back home this was our sighting! Two LA Cappuccinos! These deer blend in so beautifully into the terrain it is almost hard to see them. But there are two in this photo and the one closest to the sidewalk kept a close eye on us! These black tail deer are SO different from the white tail deer we occasionally see when walking nature trails in Virginia or Maryland. Needless to say, what I love about these LA deer is the simple fact that they are comfortable with their human residents and the deer and residents seem to respect each other.
This afternoon we met a long time friend and colleague of my dad's. In fact, I have known this individual since I was in high school. They have been through highs and lows together and as such when they can, they meet altogether for a weekly lunch. Each time I visit Los Angeles, I have the opportunity to join in on these lunches. The ironic part about this is the lunches occur at Mattie's favorite restaurant. What Mattie liked about this restaurant, wasn't necessarily the food (Mattie wasn't motivated by food like I am!), instead he was drawn to the lion head shaped fountain on the patio. Mattie loved sitting right next to the fountain. The fountain was the necessary distraction I needed to keep Mattie motivated to eat! Mattie was intrigued by water and simply loved playing right beside it! Of course Mattie wasn't with us today, but somehow his spirit seems to exist for me right by the fountain.
After lunch we visited our local mall and walked around and went into some of the stores. In one of the stores they were featuring lovely velvet dresses. The salesperson mentioned to us that she just tried on this dress and it would be a lovely item to have for the holidays. There was that KEYWORD that I don't care for...... holidays. Hearing the word was an immediate turn off to me, because instinctively my reaction is that.............. holidays are not to be celebrated!!!!
I was talking to my friend in cancer last week and she mentioned to me that a friend suggested she develop a plan for how she wants to acknowledge and celebrate this upcoming Christmas season. This will be her first Christmas without her son!!! Honestly the feedback she received struck a chord with me as soon as I heard it and now over a week later, hearing the word HOLIDAY retriggered the same conversation I recently had with her. I am not sure what the answer is for those of us who lost an only child to cancer. How do we celebrate the holidays? Is there a better strategy to manage the holidays? Does one thing work over the other?! Frankly this December will be our fifth Christmas without Mattie and I have yet to find the answer for what works. But I know what doesn't work.... feeling pressure from others, being judged one way or another, and certainly over time I have found that the internal conflict of spending time with others during this season becomes more complex. Complex because part of me hates the holidays and doesn't want to see others celebrating it with their families, and the other part of me wants to feel like I am part of the world and wants to be included in holiday parties and gatherings. I know over time my friends are equally confused about how to deal with me as well, mainly because sometimes certain venues work for me and at other times they make me more depressed. Any case, I realize we are in October and I had no intention of even talking about holidays on tonight's blog, but I have found after Mattie's death certain words are real triggers for me, and this innocent commentary for today's store clerk was anything but ordinary to me!
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