Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2007. Mattie had just entered kindergarten the month before. Yet in one month's time Mattie made friends in school. Buddies who remained with him through his cancer battle and still reflect on their friendship with him
today. That weekend, Mattie's school had its yearly fall festival. Mattie had a wonderful time at the festival and as you can see he even got his face painted (pictured from left to right are Bethie, Mattie, Kazu, Campbell and Livi). Painted on his face was, "Go Saints!" Saints being the school's mascot. Mattie ran around with friends that day, went on the moon bounces, and just had a great old time. We never imagined that this was going to be Mattie first and last school fall festival.
Quote of the day: I dare say it is rather hard to be a rat,” she mused. “Nobody likes you. People jump and run away and scream out: ‘Oh, a horrid rat!’ I shouldn’t like people to scream and jump and say: ‘Oh, a horrid Sara!’ the moment they saw me, and set traps for me, and pretend they were dinner. It’s so different to be a sparrow. But nobody asked this rat if he wanted to be a rat when he was made. Nobody said: ‘Wouldn’t you rather be a sparrow? ~ Frances Hodgson Burnett
Burnett happens to be an author I always loved, right from the moment I read her book, The Secret Garden. Her quote captures your attention as she writes about a rat, Sara, and a sparrow. One may want to stop reading after seeing the word rat, but when you put all the words together, one realizes that what she is saying is quite meaningful. When a rat is born, no one gave it a choice as to whether to be a rat, a sparrow, or anything else for that matter. In a way, this notion could be translated down to any one of us. When we were born, no one asked us whether we wanted to be or go through_________? I left it blank purposefully, because for each of us, how we fill in this blank is different and unique. Just like the rat didn't elect to be a rat, I did not elect to be a mom of a child with cancer.
The quote captures what so many of us immediately learn when you or a loved one is diagnosed with an incurable illness, an illness that ultimately produces a steady decline and death. I am not saying that the only way to achieve such awareness is through experiencing a terminal illness. I am sure there are many other viable options that are equally painful and can cause one to re-evaluate life, its purpose, and future. However, since Mattie's blog is written from the context of cancer, this is the lens I am using here. Burnett's quote may sound funny or even cute because she uses a rat, an animal many of us despise. Putting the rat aside, the moral of the quote is that there are many things in life that are out of our control. Things happen to us whether we want them to or not. The question is what are you going to do with what life brings you?
Most of us do not live in the Disney movie Ratatouille in which a rat can look and act like a rat, but in reality be a master chef. In the real world, a rat is a rat and a mom who lost an only child to cancer is just that, childless. There are many people I meet who tell me that they don't know how I do it! They tell me if they were me, they wouldn't be functioning. I get it, yet there really are two options. You either give up living or you find a way to progress on. With that said, it takes a great deal of healing to want to re-engage with the world and accept the fact that so much is out of our control. I once lived with the notion that if you worked hard, lived a good life (however you would like to define that), and did all the right things, that this would influence your life's results. All that went out the window when Mattie died. So now I have to figure out what do I really have control over, what can I really influence, and how can I accept that there are many injustices in the world (cancer being one of them, but the list is long) all around me?
Tonight I have more questions than answers and the irony is this train of thinking is the result of seeing the Burnett quote. Though I am defined by more than just cancer, the simple fact is cancer was not only a disease that ravaged Mattie. It is a disease that remains alive in Peter and me. It impacts what we see, what we hear, and how we feel about all our interactions with others and the world.
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