Tonight's picture was taken on December 5 of 2002. I recall this day as if it were yesterday. It was our first snowfall that year and it inspired me to take a Christmas photo of Mattie for our annual holiday card cover. Since it was Mattie's first Christmas with us, I wanted the photo to be special. Poor Mattie did not know what was happening. I dressed him in his Santa suit and dragged his entertainment saucer out on our deck. I draped a plaid blanket over the sauce and plunked Mattie inside of it. Literally Peter must have snapped 30 or more photos of Mattie with this backdrop. This was not the final shot we selected for the card. That one I will feature later in the week. But to me this one was also priceless. It captured Mattie's desire to move around!!!
Quote of the day: Sometimes you find yourself in the middle of nowhere, and sometimes in the middle of nowhere, you find yourself. ~ Unknown
I started my day off at the dentist office. I know going to the dentist can be an unpleasant experience for people. However the beauty of this particular office is they try to set a peaceful tone as soon as you get off the elevator. The office has candles, a huge picture window and a computer generated fish tank. I have had the same dental hygienist for years and Libby understands that I have certain sensory issues and if you clean my teeth the wrong way it will be less than pleasant for both of us. Over the years I have come to know my dentist too. My dentist has bone marrow cancer and as he explained to me today what that means is that he has to be on oral chemotherapy for the rest of his life. In addition to that, he also had hip surgery and because of the nature of his cancer, he is having trouble walking again. This is a person who loved to run and now he is walking around either with a walker or wheelchair. He told me about his frustrations and how he feels unable to do his share of things at home. Needless to say he knows about Mattie and as he said we have big crosses to bear! We commiserated together.
Later in the day I went through our mail. A couple of days ago I posted on the blog about my feelings regarding Christmas cards. Typically I do not talk about cards but that day I had read my friend Annie's blog and it was the push I needed to address the topic. As I mentioned a few days ago, Peter and I used to receive hundreds of Christmas cards while Mattie was alive. However, once Mattie died, I am sure people were torn as to what to do. Send a card or not send a card? Especially when these cards tend to have happy photos of children and families. I must admit those cards are still hard to receive. It is a constant struggle as a mom who lost her only child to cancer. I want to be happy for my friends and share in their lives, and yet their lives are way too much for me. So I shut down. It isn't just me who shuts down, other parents who lost children do the same thing. It is some sort of self protection. Yet at the end of the day, this self protection is also hurtful because it cuts us out of the real world.
Any case as I wrote about a couple of days ago, I have a friend who sends me a Christmas card each year. This card doesn't feature photos but it is a card that is personalized to us and our situation. This card means a lot to me! I received that card today and it always makes me smile. It makes me smile because what my friend is acknowledging is that Christmas isn't the same for us and she also remembers Mattie. Yet in addition to this card, I received a second card just like it this year from another good friend. She explained in the card that she read the blog and was so happy I expressed what I needed at this time of year. This card was a great gift to me because my friend took the time to read the blog, absorbed what I was saying, and then execute on the sentiments. At times I feel like I am writing into a deep abyss and not sure if I am getting my thoughts and messages across. Today's card was a wake up call to me that I am.
I am signing off for now, and hopefully will be writing to you tomorrow from Los Angeles.
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