Tonight's picture was taken on May 11 of 2009, at the Mattie March. I bet you may be asking yourself, WHAT was going on in this photo? Well what was going on was the exploration of caterpillars. Mattie loved finding them in Alexandria, VA in the Spring and literally transporting them back to DC with us. He started that tradition in preschool. The first year he did this, I was less than thrilled. But I learned to embrace his curiosity. We even found special jars for his caterpillars, learned to feed them oak leaves, and then would watch them create their cocoons. About a week later they would transform into tent moths. Mattie found the whole metamorphosis process fascinating and we had many tent moth release ceremonies on our deck each spring. But what I captured that day at the March, was the fact that Mattie had his buddies help him collect caterpillars and they were sharing in his interests with him. By the way, the cup that Brandon was holding, was NOT filled with liquid. TRY caterpillars!
Quote of the day: Wherever you turn, you can find someone who needs you. Even if it is a little thing, do something for which there is no pay but the privilege of doing it. Remember, you don't live in a world all of your own. ~ Albert Schweitzer
It was another stellar grey and rainy day in Washington, DC! We have had the worst spring! Today I gave in and started antibiotics. I saw the doctor on Monday, and she couldn't tell if I have an infection or a virus. Yet now two days later I still have a fever and feel awful. So given her advice, I began antibiotics. Given the work I have ahead of me and the Foundation Walk, I have no time for this. In the midst of working today and chores, I had the opportunity to have brief text chats with my friend in cancer. She is approaching the one year anniversary of her son's death. This is a truly heart wrenching day in so many ways. Not to mention the fact that Mother's day is also approaching. A very challenging day for mothers who lost a child. But somehow it is a very surreal experience for the mother of an only child. Without other children around, there is nothing else around you to point out that you were once a mother. Not sure others quite get that concept, it isn't like people send us cards to remind us! But my friend and I get it all too well. It is ironic, we did not know each other before June of 2013, yet we understand each other. The death of a child can level the playing field in a way.
As my friend prepares for the anniversary of her son's death, it brings me back to the first anniversary of Mattie's death. In a way, the first anniversary is quite different from all others. Mainly because it is the FIRST and also the loss is still quite fresh and raw in peoples' hearts and minds. Also within one's first year the care community is still very present, and therefore they too look for ways to acknowledge the loss. For me the first anniversary of Mattie's death was a major emotional turning point, and not one for the better. It was as if the fuzz came off the peach, or that I could see the reality of my picture better. As if someone put corrective lens on me and I began seeing the world and people around me in a different light. Again, not for the better. What I once found supportive, was no longer supportive at all!
What I felt on Mattie's first anniversary remains with me today! I experienced first hand the bitter reminder that I was no longer a mom. I lost my child and the other moms around me had children. Their lives were BUSY, full, and occupied. While they came to Mattie's anniversary gathering by his memorial tree, they had a limited amount of time to spend with us, because they had to run to the next activity. No fault of their own, but it only pointed out the huge chasm between us. A chasm that will always remain between us. This may not sound like a big deal, BUT IT WAS A VERY BIG DEAL TO ME! Now almost three and a half years later I can remember that day like it was yesterday. Like a scene from a movie playing over in my head. I can picture adults and children just leaving, and Peter and I were left at the school. We cleaned up everything we brought with us, since I baked dozens of Mattie's favorite cupcakes and so forth, and there was something very painful knowing that others were returning to their usual life while we were returning to our empty home. A life completely altered and shattered. Did that matter to any one? It certainly did the first year! But after the first year, things changed! I really believe people think..... they made it through year one, so they will be fine moving forward! This is a very bad assumption. Mainly because real grief work, happens after the first year!
That is the one consistent message I try to give to people supporting grieving parents..... throw away the time line! The time line only applies to you or society! Not the grieving parent. I think there are many fears with the pending first anniversary of a child's death and with those fears come MANY questions...... how should I acknowledge the day? How will I feel? How will others feel? Should I include others or be alone? But after all the usual battery of questions, the mind then goes to..... now what?! What will year two look like? How do I survive year two, what will that look like, who will be there to support me through that? Of course, the over arching issue always is what will life look like for me without my child in it and how does one manage this day to day pain? So many questions and really no exact answers! This is NOT a science and what works for one, doesn't necessarily work for another. But the key to survival seems to just keep on talking or writing. These thoughts and feelings have to go somewhere! Fortunately for me I have several of you who listen on a daily basis. To my faithful readers, I am grateful.
No comments:
Post a Comment