Tonight's picture was taken in August of 2002. Mattie was four months old and we had just started him on rice cereal. By that point Mattie really needed more sustenance since he was so active! He took to cereal like a duck to water. Mattie's favorite initial foods were the cereal, pureed pears, and baby oatmeal. He couldn't get enough oatmeal. In fact as Mattie got older, he graduated to real oatmeal and ate it practically every morning for breakfast. It was his request and routine!
Quote of the day: A tree is known by its fruit; a man by his deeds. A good deed is never lost; he who sows courtesy reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love. ~ St. Basil
For so many, today is just another Tuesday. Yet Tuesdays are not just any day of the week for us. Some of you may notice that at the top of every Tuesday blog posting there is a number in RED. This number notes how many weeks Mattie has been gone from our lives. This is the case because Mattie died on a Tuesday morning at 7:15am. It always amazes me how the world keeps revolving on when your life has been altered so profoundly. You learn to deal with this feeling but there are days when some things just trigger feelings or I should say SET ME OFF.
I find that friends I established prior to Mattie's cancer tend to talk non-stop about children, their children, the ups and downs in their family's lives and so forth. Of course nothing is wrong with that per se, but when you talk to a mom who lost her only child, this conversation can be very one sided. In fact for me it feels more like a therapy session, where I am listening and giving feedback, rather than a friendship in which the dialogue and interests are two ways. I would say there are many things parents who lose a child have to adjust to, and it is not only the sheer and monumental fact that your child died. Every aspect of your life is altered and yet for the most part people neither want to acknowledge it, hear about it, or accept that this is a part of your life and you do need to talk about it. You don't just absorb the loss the first year and things spring back to "normal" or the way they used to be!
To me all of this is a double edged sword, with no one winning because if I should mention how I feel to others, they tend to get upset. Of course on the other end, the alternative is I am upset. So it is one of those days today in which I don't particularly feel like writing, and yet as always I think...... tomorrow is another day and hopefully I will reset myself so I can once again manage the world around me.
1 comment:
Vicki,
This is an important post for the honesty that you shared. Friendships are two way, sharing details of every day life and sharing memories that are important. Mattie died but he remains your child and you are his parents forever. Nothing, not even death changes this. It is important to talk about Mattie and keep him in the present. I read that Mattie's death occurred on a Tuesday, when I started reading your blog. I imagine every Tuesday or most of them, you relive the morning Mattie died.
Thanks for posting the beautiful picture of Mattie. He is precious.
Margy
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