Monday, July 10, 2017

Monday, July 10, 2017

Tonight's picture was taken in May of 2007. I recently found this photo on our Shutterfly account. Don't ask me where this photo went in my computer files. It was gone. Thankfully we have photos backed up on-line because to me this photo is priceless. It captures Mattie's creativity! I could try to describe Mattie's sandbox scene on our deck, but don't you think the photo does it justice??? 

Mattie was pretending that the sandbox lid was a boat. He had his fishing pole out and was using his toys as fish! But this photo helps you understand all the toys Mattie would drag outside and place either in the sand or his pool. Life with Mattie was anything but boring. 



Quote of the day: We might think we are nurturing our garden, but of course it's our garden that is really nurturing us. ~ Jenny Uglow


A view from my desk, which is in Mattie's room. This is like our secret garden in the middle of the city!



I was listening to a country music artist being interviewed the other day. He was talking about the songs he writes and sings about, all of which focus on REGRET. An interesting subject actually, as he said writing about love, dreams, and so forth is NOT realistic. As life is filled with all the tough stuff and his listeners bond and relate to him through his music. Music which he feels help us as we move through various points in our lives. Needless to say hearing his interview remained with me for several days, so much so, that I am writing about it here. 

We all regret various things in life. Perhaps something we said to someone, our behavior to a family member or friend, or not being present in someone's life when we were needed. We wouldn't be human if we did not regret something. However, parents who have a sick child, or worse have experienced a death of a child, sometimes are filled with the what if's, I should of's, or in other words REGRET. It would be hard not to have regret. Naturally when I heard this artist talk about his life experiences, I applied what he was saying to my own life, in the context of Mattie. 

Prior to Mattie developing cancer, so many decisions had to be made. Decisions that other parents face with typically developing children. Such as employment for example. Starting from day one, I had to decide whether I was going to work full-time or not. Once I completed my dissertation, a year after Mattie was born, I was offered a great job at a governmental agency. The same agency I conducted my dissertation research. The agency wanted to create a position for me in which I would be running their work-life division, within their employee assistance program. It would have been a grade 13/14 position, which is typically not the starting grade for someone coming into the government system, especially in the psychological field. Despite this incredible opportunity, I felt like I couldn't effectively balance raising Mattie and this full time job. At the time, I may have felt guilty or had some regret, because  I knew employment like this doesn't come around often in my field. 

However, this ultimately was the best decision I made. Because if I had worked full time, I would have missed out on Mattie's very short life. If I had taken on this job, I now would be feeling GREAT regret. Regret that I did not spend more time with Mattie, regret that I may have missed out on his milestones, regret that I couldn't volunteer in his classrooms, and regret that we did not have so many adventures together.  I can safely say I have NONE of these regrets. Mattie was always my priority and even in his death, his Foundation is my priority. 

When Mattie battled cancer, I was always right by his side. Despite pleas from some of the medical personnel who insisted I take a break! I did not listen to them, and fortunately I didn't! Nothing is worse than feeling regret over how you raised or cared for your child! I would say living with the memories of Mattie's cancer battle and his horrific and painful death is bad enough, but if these reflections and feelings were complicated with regret, I think it would make the situation volatile! 

Yet I would say that I have been forever changed by Mattie. I understand that the decisions and choices we make in life do have consequences and we need to be cognizant of how we react, behave, and treat others because our actions not only impact them, but they have a way of permanently affecting and altering our own lives.