Tonight's picture was taken in February of 2003. Mattie was ten months old and I captured him while playing. Wasn't this look priceless? Alert, smiling, and very engaging!
Quote of the day: Fears are educated into us, and can, if we wish, be educated out. ~ Karl Augustus Menninger
I wish I could take Menninger's advice! But frankly Mattie's experience educated me on cancer, and unfortunately I look at everything through a cancer lens. I don't think there is enough education you can give me, to shake that trauma from my head. Which leads me to today.
I got a call from my urologist's office letting me know that my routine urine test last week showed red blood cells in my urine. At that point, she might as well have stopped talking, because all I could think of was cancer.
She explained that a normal result is 4 RBC/HPF (red blood cells per high power field) or less. Whereas I was in the 6-10 range. Therefore, more testing is needed! Naturally I then asked lots of questions to try to rule out the normal everyday explanations for this. But since this specimen was caught through a catheter, the likelihood of contamination or other issues are basically eliminated.
So clearly I had to ask questions about next steps and testing. Testing which entailed a blood test today, and a soon to be scheduled ct scan and cystoscopy. About 8 years ago she did a cystoscopy on me and I thought I was going to throttle her, as she does it without sedation. To me it was torture beyond belief, so signing up for this again isn't high on my list. But I have no choice.
As I have been told, the early stages of bladder cancer cause bleeding with little or no pain or other symptoms. Blood in the urine does not always mean you have bladder cancer. More often it is caused by other things like an infection, benign (non-cancerous) tumors, stones in the kidney or bladder, or other benign kidney diseases. Who knew one could hope for any other condition possible other than cancer!
Meanwhile, I feel that my urologist is causing havoc in me life again. In February 2012, she sent me for a routine ct scan. Instead of the test indicating any issues with my bladder, it found several masses on my cervix. Not just any masses, as the radiologist felt the masses were an aggressive form of cancer (called adenoma malignum). My world once again spun around me and I had to find a gyn-oncologist. I actually went through about four or five gyn-oncologists, until I finally latched onto one who I trusted. She suspected I did not have cancer and with her I walked a journey for a year in which I was scanned every month to every three months to see if these masses changed in any way. Because if so, I would need a hysterectomy. Keep in mind I lost Mattie three years prior to all that happening. It was beyond disheartening and frightening.
I am trying not to let my mind run away with itself now, but here we go again. Waiting for testing, waiting for results, and being totally helpless and in the hands of the medical community. Yet at the center of all of this are psychosocial issues! Because no one in this equation ever factored in that I was a mom who had a child, who died from cancer. So I may hear things quite differently from the average patient and yes I am afraid we bereaved parents need more hand holding when it comes to our health. An aspect of care that falls on deaf ears in the medical community.
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