Tonight's picture was taken in April of 2003. That day we were hosting Mattie's first birthday party! It was a challenging day for Mattie, and thankfully we only had a few family members and close friends in attendance. The theme of the party was Elmo, that cute red furry Sesame Street fellow. Mattie was in LOVE with Elmo. Mattie enjoyed some moments of the party, but for the most part, he and I spent a lot of time upstairs in his bedroom, where it was quieter and calmer.
Quote of the day: A hero is an ordinary individual who finds the strength to persevere and endure in spite of overwhelming obstacles. ~ Christopher Reeve
It is the start of a new week, and I feel absolutely exhausted. I literally dragged myself out of bed today and once I was up, I literally asked myself.... do I have the energy for another day of chores, making meals, getting my dad washed and dressed and so forth? Somehow I manage to push through that feeling, but it takes a lot of inner strength to charge forward, especially when each day is much like the one before.
This is the first year since Mattie died, that I won't be visiting his tree for his birthday tomorrow. Mattie would have been 21 years old on April 4. I personally like traditions and rituals, as it helps manage our long term grief. But with my parents in tow, I honestly don't know if I am coming or going most days. My life revolves around their every need and issue and in the process I have lost track of myself and my own needs. Typically parents are worried about their children's well being, but I think dementia strips that away completely. There is no room in one's head for anything else other than one's own issues. This makes caregiving particularly challenging and what is equally enlightening to me is that my parents do not even care for each other in any way.
Today was a three ring circus at the house. We had a repair person for the oven and another for the fireplace, and then our neighbor stopped by for help with her computer. Somehow with all of this, I couldn't focus and get anything done. Which is super frustrating for me. But then I try to step back and say..... you are just one person and there is so much I can take on at any one time. I am fed up with this daily routine and I am hoping, once the Foundation's Walk is over, that I can find a way to carve out time to walk again and find a minute for myself. Since November of 2021, I haven't had a free day to myself. It is hard on the human spirit to feel this controlled, to have no freedom, and to be working non-stop.
No comments:
Post a Comment