Tuesday, April 11, 2023

Tuesday, April 11, 2023 -- Mattie died 706 weeks ago today.

Tonight's picture was taken in April of 2005. Mattie was three years old. That afternoon, I picked him up from preschool, and we went to the mall to meet the Easter Bunny. I have to admit that Mattie wasn't sure about this encounter and was definitely suspect of this large creature! However, the Bunny was nice to Mattie and Mattie did give us a big smile. I am so glad I captured that moment, because ironically it was the only time we visited the Easter Bunny. Mattie was far braver than I was at his age. I remember my mom taking me to a department store when I was Mattie's age to have tea with the Easter Bunny. As soon as I saw this larger than life rabbit, I hid under the table! 

Quote of the day: As someone who has lived the nightmare of losing a child, I know that the enormous hole left behind remains forever. ~ Arthur Honegger

I got my dad ready for bed last night around 9:30pm. I am finding he seems very tired this week and totally out of it! After I put him down, my mom continued to watch TV, while I went into my office. I worked from 10pm to almost 2am on writing a review for a journal article. Honestly the fact that I can string two words together right now is a total feat. I generated four pages of typed feedback for the editor of the journal, and I am hoping my insights were of help. The study I was reading about addressed one of the Standards within the Psychosocial Standards of Care, so I was very motivated to participate. But it is hard after a long day and then to wake up this morning at 6:30am, was equally challenging. 

After doing the morning routine with my dad, I decided to wrap all of his birthday gifts. My dad turns 88 tomorrow and though he is going to his memory care center in the morning, we will be taking him out for an early dinner and having him open gifts. I received a text message this morning from Peter to water our plants outside that he recently planted. So I went outside and took my mom into the backyard. She liked the experience so much that we landed up sitting outside for a bit of time. I am glad she enjoyed being outside, because this is something that I love to do! Of course I was monitoring what was going on inside at the same time, because my dad can NOT be left to his own devices! 

My dad's latest anxiety is who will give him his pills if something happens to me or my mom? Honestly if something happens to me, he has a much bigger problem than who is giving him his pills. I know that his anxieties seem to get worse when Peter is out of town. As he views Peter as a back up to me. 

In addition to his anxieties this week, my dad seems to have no energy and when we take him out to eat, he lands up only eating bread and fruit. I have tried all of his favorite foods, but he keeps saying he is full. It is very frustrating because he wants to go out to eat, but when we start eating he pushes the plate away from him and then watches us eat. Of course I know I can't eat in peace, because he has numerous needs such as food requests, needing tissues, toothpicks, and of course runs to the bathroom.

Peter sent me some photos of the office space in Seattle. I grew up in a different era where offices looked more formal! Fortunately when Peter worked in Arlington, his office space had a similar sterile, industrial look. So this did not catch me off guard. But the office has huge windows and is on the 20th floor. 

This is the look with exposed pipes and lights! I truly wonder how people like such an open concept space. I know I would appreciate the windows and natural light. 

Peter can see the famous Space Needle from the office. 

Even the water! I believe this is Elliott Bay. 

The office has quotes and uplifting messages on the walls. You know I love quotes and stories, so this resonates with me. 

Some of the core values and reminders to those who work at the office!

After taking my parents out for lunch, we got back and our neighbor, Lindsay, invited my mom out on a golf cart ride through the neighborhood. Lindsay has a son with special needs who loves this cart. Lindsay knows that my mom desperately wants to go on a bicycle, but physically can't anymore. So she tried to do the next best thing, by giving her a ride, so the wind could go through her hair and she could feel like she was in essence riding a bicycle. It was a very thoughtful gesture. The little boy on the back of the cart, is the 6 year old fellow who visits me often.

While my mom was out, my dad asked me.... are we going out to eat? Keep in mind that we just got back to the house less than thirty minutes before he asked the question. My dad had NO recollection of going out at all, much less eating. It is a deeply sad commentary.