Tonight's picture was taken in April of 2006. That day I took Mattie to the Reston Zoo. This was a zoo that Mattie absolutely loved. Mainly because it was small, never crowded, and there were a lot of hands on activities. One activity we always did was feed the goats. Mattie enjoyed being around animals. At first he was a bit timid (for good reason), but over time, he understood how he had to behave and what he needed to do to touch and feed the animals. In front of the entrance that day was a big pink Easter Bunny! I am glad I had Mattie stop and take a photo! As you can see he was giving me such a big smile, you can hardly see his eyes!
Quote of the day: I guess I always thought it would be bigger, when a terrible thing happened. Didn't you think so? Doesn't it seem like houses ought to be caving in, and lightning and thunder, and people tearing their hair in the street? I never - I never thought it would be this small, did you? ~ Dan Chaon
It was another crazy day for me. I was up at 5:30am yet again, in order to get myself ready, breakfast made, my dad showered, dressed, fed, and off to his memory care program. I had to drop him off early because I had my yearly physical. Despite all that I am contending with, I continue to go for regular check ups and assessments. I believe being as proactive as possible is important.
When I got to the doctor's office, I had an intake process on my cell phone! Personally I am not a fan of interacting with a cell phone when it comes to my health! I know I am in the minority, but I find it impersonal and frankly it is hard for me to take it seriously. One of the questionnaires I had to complete was clearly assessing for my level of depression. I practically laughed in the middle of the waiting room when completing the questions. If I answered the questions truthful, the doctor wouldn't be able to handle the results or me (so the question is why do they do these assessments other than for reimbursement purposes??)!
I know clinically exactly what the questions were trying to assess and there was NO way I was going there today. For many reasons! One, I would like to see anyone else in my position handle my daily stresses better. Two, without the context of what I am living with, these trite questions are meaningless. Sure I have down days, and I feel down about myself. But that doesn't mean I am clinically depressed, it means that given my caregiving role, I am facing significant stress and exhaustion. Three, though I like my doctor, she is not an empathetic person and therefore trying to have a meaningful conversation about my caregiving role would be fruitless and frustrating for me!
I had no idea that on her mind today would be a discussion about needing to see a breast surgeon. Apparently she feels that I am at high risk for breast cancer. If I wasn't stressed before seeing her, this conversation could definitely send me over the edge. I understand where she is coming from, as she wants to be proactive with me given that I did have atypical hyperplasia in October of 2015, which required surgery.
My doctor told me that research is showing that an MRI is considered more sensitive for picking up breast cancer than mammography. But at the same time an MRI can miss some cancers that would be detected by mammography. Which is why an MRI is recommended in combination with other tests like a mammogram and/or ultrasound.
So on top of everything else, I have to get connected with a new breast surgeon for follow up. My doctor said if she prescribed a breast MRI for me, insurance wouldn't cover it, but if a breast surgeon writes a script for one, it will be covered. Truly the healthcare system is crazy and it can make you crazy in the process.
I loved the surgeon I used in 2015, but she left the area. When my doctor started talking to me today about the limitations of mammography, I KNEW THIS ALREADY! I learned this first hand with my own experience in 2015. In addition, when I had a mammogram, sonogram, and guided breast biopsy on October 30, 2015 (which led me to having more surgery two weeks later), the radiologist who was working with me gave me an education about the mammogram and the benefits of ultrasound.
If this discussion wasn't alarming enough, she also discussed with me my elevated cholesterol level. Honestly given my stressful lifestyle, I am surprised this is the only thing flagged in my blood work. I know exactly why my cholesterol is high! It is because my parents like eating out. The problem with that is I am not cooking what I am eating and don't know how things are prepped. When Mattie was diagnosed with cancer, our support network was exceedingly kind and brought us meals for over a year, DAILY! Of course it is hard to transport food and the best food for transport, is usually carbohydrates. So in 2009, after Mattie died, when I went for my physical, my cholesterol level was very high! But I found as I began to cook again and eat a more balanced diet, my cholesterol levels returned to normal.
My doctor doesn't want to put me on medication, as she feels I can modify my diet and she will do blood work on me in six months. The only problem with this is it will take GREAT effort on my part to avoid certain foods. Besides eating out, I am also living with daily stresses. So it is natural to turn to carbs in those moments. Some people do alcohol or drugs, for me it is carbs. They bring me happiness. So overall, this was yet another challenging day, on top of weeks and months that I have endured already.
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