Tonight's picture was taken in December of 2006. Mattie four years old and each Christmas Mattie received a special sweater. I tried to feature Mattie and this sweater or jacket in our family Christmas card. What I particularly love about this photo was Mattie's incredible smile. The happiness was practically jumping off the page at you.
Quote of the day: Grief can be a burden, but also an anchor. You get used to the weight, how it holds you in place. ~ Sarah Dessen
It was another full day on the Farm. After last night, I truly am not sure how I put myself back together emotionally and was functional today. I wasn't only functional, I got some Foundation work done, and was able to do this because believe it or not there was an HVAC person over inspecting our furnaces. His presence enabled me to stay in my office and focus on several things. Otherwise, without him, my mom would be circulating around and giving me tasks to do.
This evening, I went for my weekly counseling session. This therapist and I are having a meeting of the minds. I think she has learned quickly that I have a mind of my own, I am very self directed, and can tolerate a great deal of pressure and stress. She is concerned about me, as are my friends, because there is just so much one person can take. Yet what I liked about what she said tonight was that I need to start small. Meaning I need to carve a minute or more each day just for me. When she framed it like that, I thought.... well that is possible! Sure I would like hours, but hours are not possible for me right now.
We got into talking about my maternal grandmother, of whom, I believe I am a lot alike, and I also shared with her why the moon and pennies are important to me. When Mattie was in preschool, the school gave Mattie a symbol that started with the first letter of his name. Mattie's symbol was the MOON. So we used to call him 'Mattie Moon.' When Mattie died, it became a natural transition to look up to the MOON and think of Mattie. I mentioned to the therapist that I saw several big Mattie Moon's around Christmas time, and I felt that was a message to me that Mattie continues to walk my journey with me.
As for pennies, when Mattie was a preschooler, he used to love finding coins. He was like the coin detective. I will never forget taking Mattie to the grocery store and one day Mattie spotted a penny right near the checker's feet. Literally Mattie dove on the floor to collect that penny! Sometimes we would place pennies around the house for Mattie to find. We always told him that the Penny Fairy left these coins for him. He absolutely loved it. To this day, when I see a penny on the street or ground, I think of Mattie and the Penny Fairy. Of course now I deem these coins as direct messages to me from Mattie.
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