Monday, January 20, 2025
Tonight's picture was taken in December of 2001. I was five months pregnant with Mattie. Keep in mind that three months before this photo was taken 9/11 occurred. I will never forget the fear and anxiety I felt. I was scared for my own safety and the security of the country. Then add to that, I found out that I was pregnant. I did not know if all this stress was going to impact Mattie and I also did not know if I was ever going to be able to meet with an OB/GYN as appointments were canceled due to this national tragedy. When this photo was taken, it was three months later, and we tried to stabilize. As you can see, my fur baby, "Nurse Patches," was in my arms. Patches was an amazing and super bright kitty. She got the name "Nurse Patches," because when I was sick one day with an 102 fever, she stayed with me on my bed the entire time. I felt she was watching over me and was there for support.
Quote of the day: Loss is simply what happens in life, and the meaning is in us afterwards. ~ David Kessler
A friend of mine recently wrote to me and introduced me to David Kessler. She wanted me to see this VIDEO. David is a grief expert and is also a bereaved parent. This video is about six minutes long and worth a watch.
David mentioned an article he read in the NY Times that asked people in their late nineties how they found happiness and meaning in their lives? The answer was interesting...... they focused on SMALL GOALS and LITTLE MOMENTS of beauty. Not the big milestones so many of us use as benchmarks..... such as jobs, graduations, weddings, having children, etc. However, what happens to these benchmarks or milestones when we are grieving or traumatized? They really become less important, and border on non-existent.
Instead, David discusses the importance of focusing on micro-pleasures -- the small things around us that keep us connected and bring comfort. Notice he doesn't say.....joy! He gets a gold star from me! Because joy and happiness are NOT words that resonate to any of us in the throes of grief and trauma.
In the video, he discusses that our brains are hard wired to focus on the bad. However, he challenges us to work on installing the good. Certainly grief and loss of a loved one makes us focus on the negative. But even with all the negative, there is a nugget or two of positives. He suggests three ways to install the good:
- Identify a positive experience or memory
- Savory this memory and repeat the story over and over again to yourself
- Absorb this memory
I would say this strategy definitely occurs almost naturally over time. It is an evolution of living with grief! I know when Mattie first died, I was very focused on his 14 month battle that we endured. There was a great deal of daily horror that I absorbed and had to be processed. However, over time, even with the memories of these horrors, I was able to tease out the positive. Yes I know that sounds ridiculous..... what kind of positive could possibly result from Mattie's cancer diagnosis, treatment, and death? The positives were the amazing community and human connections we formed during this nightmare. I saw kindness, true friendship, and a community come together to do whatever was possible to help Mattie and my family (e.g., daily meals delivered for us to the hospital for 14 months, gifts of all kinds, birthday parties for Mattie, a community run Mattie March, etc). Which is why even today when I see certain things like sunflowers, for example, it sends me right back in time. Back to the positive, in the midst of great terror. It is through the worst trauma and grief a parent could experience that it enabled me to feel and be the recipient of the beauty and humanity in people. So yes I do agree, that when we dig deep, there are positive experiences and memories that are worth exploring, savoring, and absorbing.
I leave you tonight with the notion that maybe we should learn from our elders. Shouldn't we all try to find meaning in the small moments? "THINK SMALL, FIND MEANING" is my motto for the day!
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