Tonight's picture was taken in December of 2008. Mattie was in the hospital for treatment. Sitting next to him on the floor was Tricia. Tricia was Mattie's favorite nurse. Tricia is the kind of quality person that you want by your side if you are sick. Not only is she highly competent but she is also compassionate and an amazing family advocate. I remember one day while in the PICU, Mattie was in the hallway, and he saw Tricia. He started SCREAMING.... Tricia, Tricia, Tricia! From across the unit, Tricia came flying, as we all thought something was very wrong with Mattie! When Tricia got to Mattie, you want to know what he said to her? He said .... I LOVE YOU! Mattie did not express such things unless he meant it. The beauty of Mattie and the special bond between Mattie and his amazing nurse, Tricia.
Quote of the day: The biggest reason to be mindful of what we wish for is that we’re prone to believe we’ll be happier once we acquire what we desire. Social science research has proven that thinking this way is a setup, because the more we get, the more we want. We believe that getting what we wish for will be the answer to all of our problems, granting us lifelong joy and satisfaction. But happiness happens to be an inside job; without knowing how to cultivate it internally for ourselves, no amount of money or external rewards will allow us to experience or maintain it. ~ Denise Fournier
At midnight last night, I could hear fireworks from outside my bedroom window. My parents were already sleeping and frankly I blocked out the sounds and there was NO WAY I was going to watch the festive activities at Times Square on TV. Truly it wasn't until my lifetime friend, Karen, text messaged me a "happy new year," did I associate the fireworks with 2025. I am grateful for friends who orient me and pull me outside of my current thoughts of despair. Now that the calendar has turned over to 2025, what does the New Year hold? Of course there is the ever present notion of New Year's resolutions, or we may hope or wish for something this year.
In fact, have you ever heard someone say to you..... be careful what you wish for? This is actually a powerful statement and filled with meaning. Because sometimes what we wish for, or think we are wishing for, isn't really what we want at all! What do I mean? Well when we are focused solely on one thing, we may not consider how our lives will change when we get what we are wishing for, in fact we may end up less happy in the process. Here's the classic example..... think about people who win the lottery! Sounds good doesn't it? You may wish for such an occurrence, but you have to wonder why are the majority of lottery winners depressed, broke, or suicidal? Because what we WANT, what we WISH for has consequences that we may NOT BE THINKING about fully. Think about how dynamics between friends and family change if you win the lottery! Think about how the winner has to constantly be on guard over one's safety and security! Interestingly enough research in the field of positive psychology has demonstrated that the more we want, the more dissatisfied and unhappy we tend to be. WOW!
Okay so what does all this mumbo jumbo mean? Do we not make wishes? Do we not hope for things? The short answer is of course we do! This is part of maintaining our human spirit, however, wishes and hopes can't be all consuming, because if they are we no longer are present focused or living and appreciating the moment. When going through a crisis, THINK ABOUT YOUR OWN LIFE, are you future focused? Are you making wishes? Are you thinking about what will happen a year or ten years from now? The answer is ABSOLUTELY NOT. When in a crisis, you may not know what the next minute will look like, much less a year from now. The only way to cope in a crisis is to live in the here and now.
What I learned when Mattie was diagnosed with cancer was to live in the present moment. This was a crucial life lesson and skill I developed in 2008! I dropped the whole notion of being future focused. Back then this separated me from most people I knew, as it may even today! After all, most people I know maybe thinking about their children in college, their family vacations, anniversaries, celebrations, where they are going out to dinner, a show they will go see, or what I refer to as the more "normal" things in life. But life for me doesn't look this way, and it hasn't for many, many years. Certainly being a divorced woman, who is caregiving around the clock for her parents, there is NOTHING normal about my life. I do not meet with friends, I do not go on vacations, I do not have celebrations, and one day looks very much like the next day and the next day after that.
If you ask me to think about the future (and believe me I have many people bringing up this notion with me almost on a weekly basis), my answer most likely is.... I can't! I am not trying to be curt, and I am not trying to be obstinate. I am simply being Vicki, a person who has absorbed many traumas in life and my life lesson is don't set yourself up with unrealistic resolutions, hopes, and wishes, that may produce a let down if you don't achieve them! I am not suggesting be stagnant, but be intentional and purposeful. We have enough to bring us down on any given day, so why should we be adding unrealistic hopes, wishes, and expectations to the list.
In my own life, when I was much younger, I was guided by hopes, dreams, and wishes. That did not get me too far. When I got married, I had hopes for a long future with my husband and raising Mattie. Both of those hopes have vanished. Drastically, my life has crumbled and at times I feel like my identity has crashed and burned. Because of losses, trauma, and grief, there are words that have been permanently removed from my vocabulary. Many of you who are long time blog readers know, don't use happiness and joy with me. They are trite and just sugar coat the reality of life. So how do I manage and cope with this New Year? The answer is I am not sure, and I have to be okay with that! I take it on a day to day basis, I am focused on caring for my parents, keeping them stable and well, and as always I look to my Mattie for inspiration, direction, and guidance.
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