Tonight's picture was taken in December of 2008. I will never forget this moment in time. Mattie was getting admitted to the hospital and was running a fever. He could hardly keep his head up. Yet Santa and Mrs. Claus were visiting the children. When they came into Mattie's room, he desperately tried to keep his head up, to chat, and to receive their gifts. As soon as Santa left, Mattie collapsed back into the pillow.
Quote of the day: It's so much darker when a light goes out than it would have been if it had never shone. ~ John Steinbeck
There are times in each of our lives when we are faced with dark questions and depressive thoughts. It is part of the complexities of being human. Such questions as..... is this as good as life gets? How did my life turn out this way? Or how about, do I have the strength and determination to manage through another day? If you haven't had any of these moments of doubt, please write to me because I want to know your secret! WHAT AM I MISSING?
What do we do when faced with challenges, adversity, or feel like we are drowning in a sea of angst and depression? I am sure the answer differs for each of us. Do we call someone, email a friend, take a walk and try to refocus, or engage in an activity to change one's scenery and thoughts? All of these are plausible coping mechanisms, but what if they don't work? I can understand how people can be so depressed and/or traumatized that they resort to drinking, using drugs, or thinking about suicide. One has to truly understand pain, in order to have the appreciation and understanding that another person may feel like there are no other options in life.
When Mattie died, for example, my world as I knew it ended. The notion that I was going to be his mother, watch my son reach and complete many milestones, and share in all his firsts (such as holy communion, high school graduation, college, dating, marriage, and grandchildren) vanished. I remember there were days that I couldn't function. I stayed in bed, watched Hallmark movies all day, and was working on handmaking Christmas decorations for my friends (yes this photo highlights some of my crafty work in 2009!). That was as good as it got for months.
But then what? How did I pull myself out of the depths of despair? Well it wasn't a quick fix! I had to build myself back up piece by piece and find myself again. It meant finding out who was Vicki, what is my identity, because the one of being Mattie's mom was stripped away. Yes I will always be Mattie's mom, but it isn't quite the same parenting a memory as it is parenting a live child!
So what worked for me? What do I do when I am besides myself and at a breaking point? Writing, writing, and more writing! Why do you think I have 16 years worth of blogging?! In addition to writing, there is YOU! YES YOU!!! The people reading this blog. I may not know you, I may not know your name, and I may not have ever met you! But something I am writing about is resonating with you and then there are times you comment and let me know your thoughts and insights. It is your interest, your kindness, and your devotion to my journey that ultimately has made the difference in my life.
Why am I still here after losing Mattie? It is because of this blog! It may sound silly, but for me it is not! The blog shares my journey throughout many years and it is my space where I share Mattie moments, Mattie memories, and my thoughts and feelings. Certainly the blog has morphed like I spoke about last night, but this blog is not just a place to learn about the emotional and long term impact of childhood cancer, NO! It is a personal journey, it is my journey, a journey of resilience, courage, fortitude, and writing from the heart. In the process of my writings, what always amazes me is my words bond me with readers. You all seem to truly understand me, you know my core values, my interests, and most of all you know and have gotten to love my Mattie. If this is the extent of what I accomplish in life, then I have been successful. If you look at the moon and say, THERE'S A MATTIE MOON, or you see a sunflower, and think that is a team Mattie symbol of love and community, or if you look at cardboard boxes and wonder.... what would Mattie create? Then I have been successful! My mission is always first and foremost to share the beauty of Mattie with my readers and through the sharing of memories, telling his story, and sharing his life with others, that builds me back up and has helped me re-establish my identity after great tragedy.
As for my Mattie Miracle Cancer Foundation work, well that is also a lifetime commitment! I am well aware of how the Foundation helps countless children and has changed the way cancer care is provided to all children with cancer. In that light, I received a message this morning from a dear friend. She acknowledged my undying commitment to children with cancer and then said..... I see you and you matter! I let those six words swirl around in my head. What better words to receive? This was my New Year's Eve gift to know that in the eyes of my friend I matter.
On dark days ahead, when you too may not know.... will I make it until tomorrow? Pause and remember to me, my blog reader, YOU MATTER. You make my life worth living and you are my Mattie legacy makers.
6 comments:
Yes! Your power is your dedication and compassion🌸there is a reason your readers and donors keep coming💗it’s YOU Vicki. Happy New Year!
Happy New Year, Vicki 🩷🩷🩷😘 xoxo Emily
Vicki, there were times when things in my life were really hard and I thought I couldn't get through another day. I would wake up and lament that I was still alive. I found your blog and read about what you went through, and I decided that if you could get through the death of your beloved only child and caregiving for your both of your parents, I can at least get through my day. I admire your strength, fortitude, and your willingness to keep going and doing the right thing. I also think that you are a wonderful mother, and Mattie was so dearly blessed to have you for seven years. I will never stop reading your blog. You're the first thing I read when I wake up and the last thing I read before I go to bed. So please continue to write, and your legions of supporters will be right there with you. Wishing you health, love, and all good things for 2025.
Thank you for your beautiful message and SUPPORT! It means a lot to me and has helped me through two very difficult days of pivoting the blog.
Love to you and your amazing family! Your Christmas card was stunning. You are beautiful inside and out.
I am BEYOND touched by your message. I think it takes courage to admit when we are so down, so depressed, and truly vulnerable. I am deeply sorry that you know this feeling personally. I am honored, humbled, and moved that somehow my words and life journey have been able to help you! I would say that your determination to keep on living illustrates your incredible strength, fortitude, and most all appreciation for life. Thank you for checking the blog first thing in the morning and last thing at night. I will carry your message in my mind ALWAYS. I do not know whether we actually know each other or not, that really doesn't matter. But we are united through pain and the complexities of life. Your life matters, as does your words, feelings, and sentiments. You brought a light to my spirit today and that is a gift one can't put a price on. Thank you for taking the time to share your reflections.
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