Tonight's picture was taken in December of 2008. Mattie was home from the hospital, between treatments, and his art teacher surprised him with this creative wreath. Each leaf of the wreath was designed by a first grade student at Mattie's school. Some of the leaves had messages on them. This wreath was precious and for months it hung on the back of our front door. It was a beautiful symbol of love and community.
Quote of the day: Sadness takes its own time. It can’t be hurried along. It can’t be rushed. It moves heavily across the landscape of the heart until time and love can carry it further into the distance. ~ Melvina Young
I know some of you panicked last night, when you got a pop up message that the blog went "private." After great introspection, I made the blog public again tonight. Why? Well a friend said to me today.... nothing can change the truth of who you are! Somehow that was exactly what I needed to hear. I started writing this blog for the community, and I will continue to write this blog for the community. I have been told by many readers that my writings touch their hearts and minds, and it is this honest content that unites us. The one positive of shutting the blog down last night, is that I got to interface by email with some of my long time blog readers. Many of whom I have never talked with before. Do you know I have readers in Canada, England, and Germany?! Truly I am stunned and at the same time humbled! But then again, this is the power of Mattie and perhaps of a mother's love. Nothing could be greater!
In times of great turmoil, we all can stray from our mission. Mainly because we are that hurt, that frustrated, and that stressed out. In these moments of being totally lost, who do I turn to? My compass.... Mattie Brown.
This blog was created for my greatest and true love..... Mattie. Since its inception it has detailed Mattie's cancer journey and the fierce and determined nature of his parents. When Mattie died, I could have stopped writing the blog. After all, the blog was designed to inform our care community about Mattie's day to day progress, issues, and how my family was coping. Without Mattie, there really was no driving force to the MattieBear Blog!. It was at that point that I could have let this legacy piece die! But somehow I couldn't let it go.
Letting go would mean somehow saying good-bye to Mattie. NOT HAPPENING! Instead, I pivoted in 2009, and the blog became my lifetime journey of facing life without my child. Which meant that I wasn't only talking about childhood cancer, but various aspects of my life. So it became a written reflection that was even more personal than it was when Mattie was alive. As so many of you know, the blog highlights happy moments, sad, depressing, and traumatic moments. All these emotions are forever present when discussing the complexities of our human existence. Then add child loss to this complexity, and truly at times I feel like I am a bundle of raw emotion. The feeling of being different is particularly highlighted over the holidays. Any one who has experienced child loss knows, Christmas in so many ways is about family and connecting with our children. How I would love one more chance to be able to have a holiday with Mattie. Since that is NOT possible, what do I do???? I write, and I write, and I continue writing.
Writing is my outlet and my therapy. Sure I could keep a journal or talk to a therapist (not to dig on my own profession, but some things transcend the power of therapy)! But that isn't quite the same as writing a blog. The blog has connected me with amazing people over the years! It is through your lens, your feedback, and you getting to know Mattie, that together YOU HAVE KEPT ME GOING OVER ALL THESE YEARS. Together we carry on MATTIE'S LEGACY. Do you have any idea how grateful I am to you????
The beauty of this blog is that it has endured over time. Lately as I have faced my own personal crises, the blog veered off from its original content. Some of you may even see that I have made "dark" my blog postings from September to now. This was a personal decision. It is content that I have kept for myself and perhaps there will be time points in my life that I may reflect back on it in private, as I always use my writings as benchmarks on my own growth.
Yes this blog is about Mattie, this blog is about surviving childhood cancer and child loss, and it is also about a bereaved mother's navigation through the complexities of life. One of life's complexities is caregiving for aging parents and if I am true to myself, then that means I do not compartmentalize my life. Caregiving influences my lens on the world. So many adult children are faced with caregiving obligations and as you know I talk about the good, the bad and the ugly. Not to belittle anyone, but to call attention to the challenges we all face in life. One thing I learned through writing this blog is that we are more alike than we are different and caregiving is one of those life lessons that unites us and in the process we can learn a great deal about patience, humility, strength and love.
THANK YOU FOR TUNING IN! I AM BACK.
6 comments:
So glad you are publicly back Vicki! You are a champion of honesty, reflection, dedication and integrity. Your raw expression on the challenges of the losses in your life are brave. You have helped your readers reflect on what they value in their lives and how the navigate difficult emotions in life. I am so happy you are back with us. You belong heređź’—Jennifer
This has taken strength and courage, and hope Vicki. I am so proud of you. Thank you for taking your life back and for helping those of us who truly missed you, even if for only a day. Keep on shining.
Chris, you are a light for me! Thank you for sharing your beautiful Jillian with me! May she and Mattie unite and continue to serve as our beacons of hope. Thank you for believing in me!
Thanks Jen for getting to the heart of the matter and for your message today! It helped guide tonight's blog posting! Thank you for reaching out and understanding the depths of my despair.
As The Chapter Closes...
As we stand at the threshold of another year's end, our hearts hold both shadows and light. 2024 brought us moments that tested our strength, taught us resilience, and showed us who truly stands beside us when storms gather.
To those we lost - your absence echoes in the quiet moments, but your love continues to guide us forward. To the challenges that brought us to our knees - thank you for showing us we are stronger than we knew.
Some of us carry scars that the world cannot see, fought battles in silence, and found courage in the darkest hours. Yet here we stand, breathing, hoping, dreaming still. Tonight, we release the weight of what was, honoring both our tears and triumphs. They have shaped us, but they do not define our tomorrow.
As the sun sets on this chapter, we gather our hopes like stars, ready to paint them across a fresh canvas. Tomorrow brings not just a new year, but a chance to begin again - wiser, braver, and more grateful for each breath we share.
To 2024 - thank you for your lessons. To 2025 - we step toward you with open hearts, ready to write new stories of love, healing, and possibility.
May we all find peace in letting go and courage in beginning anew.
Thank you so much for this beautiful New Year's Eve message. A meaningful reflection that can apply to all of us. The opportunity to have learned from 2024, to take that knowledge forward and some how become wiser, braver and to find peace. I appreciate you sharing this journey with me, as you and I know the depths of losing a child to cancer. It is a forever journey!
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