Friday, September 25, 2009Today's picture features Mattie in his 2006 Halloween costume. Mattie wanted to dress up like Patches, his cat. Patches is a calico cat, and Mattie and I went to the craft store to pick out the materials to make the ears and the patches. It was one of my favorite costumes, mostly because Mattie and I designed it together.
Poem of the day (Thanks Charlie!): Who Am I? by Carol Sharp
Who am I know that you're gone?
I've asked this question so many times it seems
But the answer is not available - Not even in my dreams
Who am I since you went away
The days go by; time won't stand still.
I wish it would
But it's against my will.
I feel as if I am fighting
To keep my head above water
It is horrible to go on without you....
Never to hear you call me "Mother"
Who am I without you in my life?
Reminders of you everywhere I turn
Are supposed to comfort me,
But it's you for whom I yearn
My body feels so empty
And the void's so hard to bear,
I plead to have my son back;
I have so much to share.
Who am I when I can't care for you anymore?
I miss you at noon when we'd have lunch together.
That was our time to visit
And nothing else seemed to matter.
My heart aches, because
I can't fix you those special dishes
You always bragged on my cooking
And rewarded me with kisses.
This rocky road of grief
Has many ups and downs
I'm trying to travel it, falling
But still keeping above ground
The road is long and treacherous
I know it has to be
Because deep love, joy and laughter
Are the legacies you gave to me
With a future of despair who am I?
I know who I am.
I am still your mother,
Your comrade and your friend.
You may be gone from me
But our love continues on.
No one can take that from me,
It's there from dawn to setting sun.
I'll miss you and I'll want you
All the rest of my life.
I am the lucky one, God gave me a son.
It was a rainy day in Washington, DC today, and the gloominess seemed to match how I was feeling internally. It was harder to get up this morning, harder to focus, and harder to accomplish things that needed to get done. I met up with Ann today at her parent’s assisted living facility. Her dad had a very rough night, and she spent most of the night there. I remember that feeling of being up all night, of being emotionally and physically wiped out, and in dire straits. In those times, Ann would somehow come into Mattie’s room and try to breathe some life into me. So this afternoon, Ann and I left Sunrise and had lunch together. Sometimes a change of scenery does help tremendously, even though you know what lies ahead of you later in the day.
Ann and I talked about so many different things, which can be challenging for anyone listening to me, because I can cover multiple topics at one time. But Ann never skips a beat and is able to keep up with me. While chatting with her, we seemed to be surrounded by children at the restaurant, particularly cute little boys running around all over the place. Of course my mind couldn’t help but drift to my cute little boy, who at that age was doing the exact same thing. It is funny how a sight, sound, or fragrance can bring you back to a point in time instantly.
While having lunch, we happened to bump into Margaret as well. She came over to join us and then Margaret took me back to the assisted living facility, and we both sat and chatted with Mary and Sully. Thank you Margaret for all the visits this week, for the goodies, and of course the support.
Later in the afternoon, Mattie’s technology teacher from SSSAS came by to visit with me. As many of my readers may recall, Mary was devoted to Mattie this year. She would visit him routinely in the hospital, work with him on his technology skills, would play and inspire his creativity on all sorts of projects. I was thrilled to hear that Mary wanted to help me put together a slide show of Mattie’s life for the celebration of life ceremony. Somehow picking out photos for this slide show has been an impossible task for me. Mary and I talked about this, and she got my mixed emotions regarding this RIGHT AWAY! She figured it was impossible for me because I wanted it to be perfect. I wanted the video to capture the life, energy, and spirit of Mattie, and if I did not do it right in my eyes, that this would make me feel like I failed Mattie somehow. That sums up my problem perfectly. Mary and I brainstormed the video, what would make it meaningful and powerful, and I am happy to say that I feel like I have a good direction now. Thank you Mary for meeting today, for your willingness to take on this project, and being so instrumental to Mattie’s life. I think your connections with Mattie will be vital as we try to capture his courageous and contagious spirit. Mary is passionate about this project, and I so enjoyed hearing her insights. As Mary kept on talking, I began to cry, and I truly believe a part of me was so deeply moved by her generosity of time, appreciation of Mattie, and her willingness to bring to life my vision of this incredible boy.
I would like to end tonight's posting with a message from my friend, Charlie followed by a song. Charlie wrote, "Vicki, I've been reading about loss and grief and what I have gleaned is that the initial response to death is shock and and disbelief that one's child is no longer here. The feeling that one is in a horrible dream but cannot awaken is something described by many. The loss of a child means not only the deprivation of being without one's beloved child but also the loss of aspects of themselves much as you've been saying in the blog. Where is my identity as Mattie's mom? Am I still a mom? Will I still have a relationship with friends who I've come to know because they are parents? Inability to cry, to plan a service, to make decisions are all normal reactions faced by virtually every grieving parent. All I can say is to be patient with yourself and Peter, give yourselves time to recover from the shock and then to grieve for the multiple losses Mattie's death has created in your lives. What you are doing now, reaching out to Ann and her parents, is a wonderful thing and a way to repay her help to you through Mattie's illness. Find those who will listen, who will just sit and really listen and I think that in time, when you are ready, you will find your way to express your grief. I continue to hold you in my thoughts and prayers."
One of Mattie's fantastic HEM/ONC nurses, Tricia, sent me this song today. It is "Who'd you be today" by Kenny Chesney. She says it reminds her of those she has lost in her life as well as Mattie. Thank you Tricia for continuing to walk this path with us!http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WaN2o_uOF_I
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