Mattie Miracle 15th Anniversary Video

Mattie Miracle Cancer Foundation Promotional Video

Thank you for keeping Mattie's memory alive!

Dear Mattie Blog Readers,

It means a great deal to us that you take the time to write to us and to share your thoughts, feelings, and reflections on Mattie's battle and death. Your messages are very meaningful to us and help support us through very challenging times. To you we are forever grateful. As my readers know, I promised to write the blog for a year after Mattie's death, which would mean that I could technically stop writing on September 9, 2010. However, at the moment, I feel like our journey with grief still needs to be processed and fortunately I have a willing support network still committed to reading. Therefore, the blog continues on. If I should find the need to stop writing, I assure you I will give you advanced notice. In the mean time, thank you for reading, thank you for having the courage to share this journey with us, and most importantly thank you for keeping Mattie's memory alive.


As Mattie would say, Ooga Booga (meaning, I LOVE YOU)! Vicki and Peter



The Mattie Miracle Cancer Foundation celebrates its 7th anniversary!

The Mattie Miracle Cancer Foundation was created in the honor of Mattie.

We are a 501(c)(3) Public Charity. We are dedicated to increasing childhood cancer awareness, education, advocacy, research and psychosocial support services to children, their families and medical personnel. Children and their families will be supported throughout the cancer treatment journey, to ensure access to quality psychosocial and mental health care, and to enable children to cope with cancer so they can lead happy and productive lives. Please visit the website at: www.mattiemiracle.com and take some time to explore the site.

We have only gotten this far because of people like yourself, who have supported us through thick and thin. So thank you for your continued support and caring, and remember:

.... Let's Make the Miracle Happen and Stomp Out Childhood Cancer!

A Remembrance Video of Mattie

September 22, 2009

Tuesday, September 22, 2009


Tuesday, September 22, 2009


Tonight’s picture is another favorite of mine. You can see Mattie and I smiling at each other on the couch, but it is the sweet and loving way he was looking at me, that remains forever in my heart. I always look at these pictures and I am struck by just how much we looked alike.


Two weeks ago today, Mattie died. This vision of his death is still very vivid to me. In fact, I will never forget the fact that he did not want to let go and leave us. It took Propofol, a strong intravenous form of sedation, to help him slip away from us. The process of his death clearly illustrated to me his great love for us as well as our devotion to him. It continues to be hard to accept that we are living a life without our son and in turn all the aspects of life that come with raising a child.

This week, Peter and I are visiting with Ann and are staying in her house. Dr. Bob is out of town at a professional conference, and we decided to try to support Ann as she is balancing three children and the full time care of her parents. Peter and I are both committed to helping Ann and value her friendship, and in fact, removing ourselves from our home right now is actually very therapeutic. It is almost impossible to be surrounded by Mattie’s things and his ever presence in our home engulfs us. At times I am okay with this, and at other times, it becomes so overwhelming and brings about intense sadness. Mattie’s things remind Peter and I of what and WHO we are missing, how are lives have changed, and how lonely we are. Our family dynamics have changed, and our main purpose and focus in life have been striped away from us. So how do you recover from this? I don’t know!

When I woke up today, I glanced over at my desk, which is in our bedroom. On the desk sits a lovely 3-D elephant puzzle (therefore it stands up like a statue) that Mattie received as a gift from a colleague of Peter’s. I love this elephant puzzle because it features a mother elephant with her child. Mattie always loved playing with this puzzle and talking about it, because it reminded him of us. When I looked at the puzzle this morning, something was wrong. The mother elephant was missing a piece of herself, but the baby was intact. I guess I look at the world around me now and desperately search for signs and signals about how Mattie is doing, or how this loss is affecting me. I thought today’s picture in front of me was so accurate. Mattie may be at peace and found his wings perhaps, but like this mother elephant, I am not intact, a large piece of myself has been severed off. So this is how I started off my day.

I packed the things I needed to stay at Ann’s house this week, and then headed over to her parent’s assisted living facility. Ann has been having a very difficult time with Hospice, and I am truly amazed by the insensitivity, incompetence, and sheer lack of concern this particular Hospice group has for its patients and more importantly for the family members of these patients. Ann has made formal complaints, Dr. Bob (her husband, and Mattie’s surgeon) wrote a formal letter, and today, I called the executive vice president of clinical services. Needless to say, I continue to be thoroughly disgusted by the lack of response or timelines to address some major issues and oversights. I know that caring for someone who is ill and dying is HARD enough, but add on top of it the challenges of managing people responsible for the care, and it is a recipe for disaster.

While visiting with Mary and Sully (Ann’s parents), Margaret came by to visit. Margaret is a friend and also Mattie’s first preschool teacher from Resurrection Children’s Center. Margaret brought Mary a beautiful rose plant and some lovely pastries. We all had a good time chatting, and told stories about Mattie, and reflected on the kind of child he was, what he loved to do in the classroom, and what a solid and loyal friend he was. Mary talked about her son as well, and Sully was listening and very engaged to all three of us women chatting. He chimed in a couple of times to the conversation. But here is the thing, watching this dynamic today only proves to me the importance of human interaction. I saw Mary and Sully come to life as we were talking and making a human connection. I have no doubt we need all the drugs and technology of modern science, but we also can NEVER discount the vital nature of the human spirit and what influence that can have on one’s physical condition.

While Margaret was visiting, Tanja (a fellow SSSAS mom and friend) also stopped by. Thank you Tanja for the wonderful ice cream and my favorite tea. Tanja has been supporting me all year, and her support just continues even after Mattie’s death. So it was a day for me in which I was surrounded by caring people, who didn’t push me to express things I am not ready to feel or elicit yet. Thank you!

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