Sunday, September 27, 2009Mattie was four years old in this picture. One of his favorite past times was to assemble wooden models and then paint them. Featured tonight is a dinosaur model that Mattie created and still sits in his room today.
Poem of the day (Thanks Charlie!):
My Brief Rainbow by Peggy Kociscin
Rainbows appear only on dreary, rainy days.
They beautify the world for a few brief moments.
Those moments, however, can be spectacular.
YOU were my brief rainbow.
You entered my life And stayed but a short while. Nevertheless, the memories of those moments
When you blessed us with laughter and delight, Joy and smiles, charm and beauty, Gaiety and happiness, Mischief and silliness, sunlight and moonbeams, Giggles and love (ad infinitum)...Made the deluge, the tears of pain and anger
Helplessness and fear, insanity and agony, Sadness and heartbreak, emptiness and loneliness, Bearable Rainbows, however brief, Make the world a brighter, lovelier place. How grateful I am that I had you, My brief rainbow.
On Saturday night, Ann’s children and their friends performed four plays for us in their basement. The children acted, developed scripts with moral messages, designed costumes, and even directed these plays. It was wonderful to see this creativity, to see their camaraderie, and to be included in this fun. We all laughed and for a moment our minds were taken off of our daily worries, and instead focused on what was being acted out in front of us. Which only verifies my point, that children have a way of capturing your attention, focus, and at times helping us see what is important in the world. Certainly not having Mattie in our lives, leads Peter and I to feel like we have lost our life’s compass. There are times that I feel a level of directionless come over me, and it is during these moments, that the feeling is so pervasive, it is hard not to feel frozen in time.
Last night, when I finished visiting with Ann’s parents, I got back into my car, and made a mental note of what I actually observed, but I couldn't process it at the time. In fact, my mind processed it the whole night long. It was that bizarre. When I got up this morning, I was simply perplexed. Why? Because what I noticed was the passenger seat was flat, or reclined straight back. I knew I hadn’t done this to the seat, but I decided to question Peter today to see if he had been in my car, transporting something, which could explain why the seat was in this position. But low and behold, Peter told me he hadn’t been in my car, and hadn’t touched the seat. So why was the seat like this? I have NO idea! The ironic thing is, the only time my passenger seat has been straight back like this was when I was transporting Mattie around after his limb salvaging surgery on his leg. Mattie would sit in the back seat, and prop his bandaged leg up on the seat in front of him. As I was questioning Peter this morning, what I began to realize is that there was NO earthly explanation for what I observed. The seat wasn’t broken, neither of us manipulated it, and I have to tell you that when I left the car earlier in the evening the seat was in the correct position. My only conclusion, as insane as it might sound, is that Mattie was telling me something. Mattie must have moved the seat! He knew that if it was placed in this fashion, that I would know immediately that it was a sign from him! In fact, I felt as if his presence was inside the car. I wasn’t sure if this notion excited me or completely upset me. I just kept telling Peter over and over again that Mattie was with us. I am sure I left Peter dumbfounded, because there was NO logical explanation for any of this. I have to confess when others have told me in the past about experiencing the presence of a deceased loved one I always listened, but wondered if this was the mind playing tricks on them. After all, if you wish for something hard enough, perhaps you can create this reality. Maybe?! But last night, I wasn’t wishing for anything, it just happened to me. So now all of this has given me great pause, and it makes me wonder what is Mattie trying to communicate to me? I felt compelled to check the rest of the car today, to see if any of his toys in the back seat were moved, or anything was out of place. I still haven’t removed his car seat or toys from my car. Somehow they seem to just belong there, and taking them out would disrupt the natural order of things. Any case feeling Mattie’s presence today brought the reality of the situation home for me. I wasn’t myself at all. I felt down, tired, lifeless at times, and little things seemed to set me off.
While I was with Ann this afternoon, she called Charlotte’s mom to set up a playdate for her daughter. As many of you know, Charlotte and Abigail (one of Ann’s daughters) were friends of Mattie’s. The conversation was innocent at best, but for me, based on how I was already feeling, it made me very upset. Upset not because these moms were talking with each other, but upset because Mattie was no longer part of this equation. There are no more playdates to plan. So the loss is on multiple levels. I am sad because Mattie is gone and can’t be a part of this world, he was robbed of his childhood and his life, and for me I don’t even know what world I am a part of.
As this week approaches, Peter and I have our work cut out for us as we begin to make concrete plans for Mattie’s funeral. Planning the funeral requires an inordinate amount of strength, and I think a part of me is trying to hold it together for this event, but after the funeral is over I am not sure what will happen or how I will feel after that point. Though I have a direction at the moment with helping Ann’s parents, I also realize this is a short-term solution to my MAJOR problem. A problem that I know will last a lifetime. I have lost other people in my life prior to Mattie, but the loss of a child is something so indescribable, incomprehensible, and so deeply, deeply painful. There are waves of sadness and depression that come over us, and yet I know all of this is so understandable and through time I hope I will be able to process or be open to process this somehow.
I would like to end tonight's posting with a message from my friend, Charlie. Charlie wrote, "Tonight begins the most holy day of the Jewish calendar, Yom Kippur. On this holiday we pray for atonement of our sins and those of our community and the world. Too, at this time we recall all those we love and who have passed from this life into the next and I can tell you that Mattie will be foremost in my thoughts joining that of my immediate family who have gone before me. One of the important things in this holiday is to forgive others and to ask for forgiveness of any hurts we have inflicted on someone else. Sometimes the greatest hurt is the one we inflict on ourselves by expecting things we simply do not have the power to accomplish and it is important to forgive oneself as well. So today remember Mattie and see if you can take the first small step toward self forgiveness."
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