Thursday, October 1, 2009

In this picture, Mattie is about a year old, and visiting the Reston Petting Zoo. This was one of his favorite places to go. He always loved animals, especially feeding bottles to the goats!

Poem of the day (Thanks Charlie!): Loss by Beth Lorber

I am here among friends smiling at their humor

And making plans for tomorrow.

But there is another person,

lying curled up in the corner

Crying out in unbelievable pain.

That too, is me.

I am doing my household chores,

And the routine is familiar and satisfying.

A gesture toward a need for living.

But there is another person, lying in bed,

Willing her mind a blank, not wanting to think or be....

That too, is me.I look at a lovely spring day.

A view of a world of growth and change.

A world only God could make.

But that other person stares through tears,

With unseeing eyes, knowing there is no God.

That too, is me.I am surrounded by my family,

A gathering of love and joy and tenderness

Of cherished moments and warm hugs.

But another person is there,

whose arms and heartAche for the one she can never hold and comfort.

That too, is me.Very slowly,

I am learning there is room

For joy and fun and cherished moments with friends.

In this hurry up world, with no space or patience

For grieving, there may always be two of me,

And I am doing the best I can for both.

That too, is me.

Peter and I had the opportunity to visit with Leslie Williams and Larry Jenney this morning. Leslie and Larry were Mattie’s kindergarten teachers. They came to share their condolences and to also chat with us about their memories of Mattie. As Leslie was reflecting on Mattie, I realized one thing immediately; Mattie was a lot like me. Not that I did not know this already, but it was interesting to hear about how he presented himself socially in the classroom. His teachers told me that sometimes during lunch they would give the children a free seating option, in which the children could select which table and with whom they wanted to sit with. Mattie had a hard time making such a decision. I got the gist of this quickly when they were relaying the story to me. The lack of structure of having to find a seat wasn’t the problem, instead it was the simple fact that if he selected to sit with one of his friends, this could potentially hurt the feelings of another friend. I think this example speaks volumes about the type of person and friend Mattie was. He was a very loyal buddy, and a fierce protector of those he loved. I have always believed that children learn from their role models, and I am touched that Mattie observed my level of advocacy for him and others over the years. Being an advocate for others is a quality I feel is tantamount in life, and it gives me great joy to hear that in Mattie’s short 7 years, he absorbed, embraced, and implemented this skill. We enjoyed Leslie and Larry’s visit, and appreciate the time they took out of their school day to spend time with us. Thank you Leslie for the delicious bread!

I spent some time working on photo albums today. It is ironic, we live in the world of technology, so much so, that in Mattie’s seven years, I rarely assembled a photo album. All my albums were electronic. However, I would love to share photos at the reception, and therefore, am working hard at sorting, categorizing, and assembling photo books. This is not an easy task by any stretch of the imagination.

I had the opportunity to have lunch today with Resurrection Children’s Center’s (RCC) Director, Kim. RCC was Mattie’s preschool. Kim and I had a delightful conversation at lunch and we reflected upon Mattie, how we found RCC, and what a great fit the school was for our family and needs. Mattie thrived at RCC and his years there maybe some of the happiest ones in his life. Since RCC is a co-op school, I had lots of opportunities to be in the classroom and to get to know the teachers and the wonderful families who comprise this community. I tried to convey to Kim the level of loneliness I now feel from losing Mattie. I could be in a room with 100 people, but the isolation comes from within. Thank you Kim for chatting, for the support, and for a lovely lunch!

As we sit and try to write some sort of eulogy to deliver at the church, I find that I am absolutely stuck in thought. Clearly I write everyday on the blog, but there is something very intimidating about writing this eulogy. We want it to reflect the beauty of Mattie, his life, spirit, energy, and passion. How do you convey all of this in five minutes or less? How do you condense 7 years of his life, including his battle with cancer, in that time frame? I am not sure, but I will see if we are up to that challenge. One thing I know for certain and that is, Mattie gave us strength and courage under the worst of circumstances, and I am hoping we can pull from his energy within us and write something that is indeed reflective of our love for Mattie. Wish us luck.

Tonight, as I sit in the assisted living facility visiting Mary and Sully, I find Sully has degraded even further today. His heart is beating faster and today is the first day he needs oxygen. Ann and I sometimes sit and reflect on how both of these deaths happen back to back for us, and of course there is no answer to this, other than, there are many things in life that are totally out of our control. Tanja came by as well, and we had an opportunity to chat and visit. It is still hard to interact with the real world, but as I slowly allow certain people back into my life, I am hoping this will help how I am feeling, but part of me truly believes this internal feeling may never go away. It is a feeling of complete and utter emptiness. As Charlie’s poem in tonight’s posting mentions, it is as if I am living two lives, and it is true. I have an external life in which people see a somewhat together and well functioning person and then I have a whole other inner world going on, a world, which isn’t as pleasant, happy, or satisfying.

I would like to end tonight's posting with two messages. The first message is from my friend, Charlie. Charlie wrote, "I am glad to hear that the plans for the services are coming together and that as usual you have found the right people to handle the job. I am also glad to hear that the gatekeeper at the church now understands your needs and is willing to listen. Hopefully that will carry over for the next time someone is in need. I read what your sister in law, Lisa, wrote about how we "need" a tragedy in our lives to appreciate what we have but that giving up Mattie for that cause isn't okay.I think as humans we have a need to make sense of things, even senseless events like untimely death or some horrific situation. I am not sure we can. But what we can do is try to avert the next time, consciously use it to make a change in our lives for the good, or work toward Tikkun Olam, the healing of the world, in the person's honor. If what you and Peter plan to do with your foundation saves one child what Mattie went through that is a major event. In Jewish tradition, charity is so important because to save one life is seen as saving the world. May each of us today and every day we can, reach out a hand in kindness to someone in Mattie's honor."

The second message is from my mom. My mom wrote, "From the infinity of time and space, Mattie's spirit is now free to proclaim his love for you without any earthly limits. No longer restricted by the physical laws that govern us, he improvises with new angelic delight. So is it any wonder that within three weeks of his death, he found a unique way of getting your attention? Certainly there is nothing conventional about what happened, but this is Mattie we're talking about, and conventional thinking never limited him in the real world so why should we expect things to be different now! It would be just like Mattie to want his first "communication" with you to take you by surprise forcing "the little gray cells" of your mind, as Poirot might say, to become activated and ask the question," How come the front passenger seat of my car was found inexplicably in the down position,when I left it in the up position and Peter says he has not touched it?"

It is a mystery with no immediate earthly explanation if we restrict ourselves to the use of our five senses and scrupulously look for the "scientific" explanation. An alternative approach might be to allow our minds to soar beyond the restrictions imposed upon us by the material world and "see" the facts in a spiritual light assisted by our sixth sense to guide our thinking "outside the box." Taking this advice myself and using my little gray cells, here is an interpretation of the "facts" as I "see" them and I will let you conclude what you will after you have examined them for yourself.

Fact 1: This event took place in your car. Mattie loved cars, especially yours, and if he chose to communicate with you as a spirit, wouldn't it happen in your car?

Fact 2: The front passenger seat of your car was found in the down position, the position that you used only when Mattie was in the car so that he could extend his leg. Therefore, a sign from Mattie!

Fact 3: There would be no other reason for ever putting it in that position again after Mattie died.

Fact 4: No one claims or remembers putting the front seat down after Mattie died. Daddy and I drove the car after he died and the seat was in its upright position before you began driving it again.

Fact 5: Mattie had awesome will power in life and when he was alive made things "happen" that were surprising and unexpected. Mattie's will power has made the transition to the other side in tact with his new angelic spirit.

I acknowledge that it takes a leap of faith to accept my logic. However, I remember that all year long, I wished for a Mattie Miracle, Although this is not the miracle I hoped for, I do believe that one did happen in your car!