Monday, October 19, 2009Tonight's picture features Mattie sitting on a bone scan machine at Georgetown University Hospital. Mattie had to fast for 12 hours to have this procedure, so by the time the scan was complete, he was ravenous and devoured the donut Ann brought him. He couldn't wait to get off the machine! He was that hungry. In all reality Mattie was a real trooper, he put up with scans and tests, that would have tried and scared even the most patient and the bravest of adults.
Poem of the day: He Only Took My Hand
"Last night while I was trying to sleep,
My son's voice I did hear
I opened my eyes and looked around,
But he did not appear.
He said: "Mom You've got to listen,
You've got to understand
God didn't take me from you, mom
He only took my hand.
When I called out in pain that night,
The instant that I died,
He reached down and took my hand,
And pulled me to His side.
He pulled me up and saved me
From the misery and pain.
My body was hurt so badly inside,
I could never be the same.
My search is really over now,
I've found happiness within,
All the answers to my empty dreams
And all that might have been.
I love you all and miss you so,
And I'll always be nearby.
My body's gone forever,
But my spirit will never die!
And so, you must all go on now,
Live one day at a time.
Just understand-
God did not take me from you,
He only took my hand."
Last night I began to feel ill, so I knew it was going to be a long night ahead. For many of my readers who have been worried about my physical health this year and have expressed concern to me, you will be happy to know that I am seeing my doctor on Thursday. I only wish that my doctors were as half as nice as Mattie's team at Georgetown. If I could clone these women, then maybe I wouldn't mind visiting my doctors so often.
At 7am, I popped up because I could see Peter was leaving for work. I wanted to at least say good-bye to him and wish him a good day back at work. Peter transitioned back to work slowly today, and everyone in his office was sensitive to his circumstances. In all reality, I am sure for Peter's colleagues it is hard to know how to greet and interact with him after losing Mattie. Nonetheless, they all worked through this today, which seems like the most thoughtful thing to do, because afterall there is no human resource policy or strategy on how to handle an employee who just lost a son. I continue to be impressed with how Voxiva has managed this crisis, and when Peter came home tonight he shared with me a stack of sympathy cards he received from his DC office and Voxiva offices around the globe. I want to personally thank the following offices for your meaningful and heartfelt cards: India, Kenya, Rwanda, Nigeria, Peru, and Mexico! It has meant a great deal to us knowing that Mattie's story has traveled around the world, and that prayers and good thoughts were coming to him from all these locations. THANK YOU!
As for myself, today was a hard day. It got better toward the later part of the day, but the morning and early afternoon were tough. I began the day crying and then sitting in Mattie's room for a while. I looked through his photo albums and landed up reflecting on just how unfair this whole situation is. Mattie did not deserve to suffer, and we don't deserve to be childless. I looked at some of Mattie's clothing and I just can't believe he is not around to fill these items or to play with his toys, and the list goes on. It was the kind of day in which I did not even have the energy or fortitude to speak with Ann. Peter heard this, he called me to find out what was going on. All I can say is that I truly appreciate all the wonderful e-mails and calls I received today. Thank you for not forgetting about us, and for supporting Peter and I.
I eventually pulled myself together and got ready and went grocery shopping. I haven't bought groceries for our home in months. At first this task seemed overwhelming because there was so much to think about purchasing in order to start using my kitchen again. One observation I made in the grocery store is that stores cater to people with children. There are children's items every where from toys, balloons, to foods. I observed several moms shopping with children today, and I couldn't help but remember those days with Mattie. Shopping with Mattie was an art form. He never liked the shopping cart to stop moving, which made picking out food an absolute adventure. Basically it was drive by shopping, and fortunately I got to know just where things were on the shelves, so I could push him and grab items at the same time.
Later in the afternoon, I had the opportunity to pick up Ann's oldest daughter, Katie, at school. Katie attends Mattie's school, but she is on the middle school campus. Though I was surrounded by children, it seemed okay, because this was NOT Mattie's campus. In true St. Stephen's fashion, the school pick up line worked efficiently and safely. It was actually wonderful to see, and to see how happy the children appeared as they were waiting for their families. Ironically when I picked up Katie at school, and she sat in the car with me, I was instantly transported back in time. Not to my time with Mattie, but my time with my mom, when she would pick me up from school. I am not sure why, other than it reminded me of the time I used to debrief about my day, and it was fun to hear about Katie's day and the activity she did with her sixth grade class today. I spent several hours with Katie and then later on had the opportunity to spend time with Abigail. Abigail point blank asked me if I thought Mattie would be proud of her and her ability to assemble this intricate Lego train. She then informed me this is just one of many more Lego designs she plans on doing. Her next purchase she wants to tackle is a Victorian house. This house was one of Mattie's prized possessions and it still is assembled in our living room. I don't have the heart to disassemble these Lego creations just yet. As Mattie's mom, I can't help but see a deep connection between Abigail's Lego building and her feelings and reflections on her friendship with Mattie.
After months and months away from the kitchen, I can officially say that I made dinner tonight. Peter and I had the opportunity to sit together, talk about our day, eat a peaceful dinner, and try to create some sort of new world for ourselves.
I would like to end tonight's posting with two messages. The first message is from my friend, Charlie. Charlie wrote, "I am concerned for you today with Peter gone back to work and you sounding as if you want to hide away from your feelings and other people. I understand the desire to mourn in private, to keep one’s feelings tamped down but I am not sure this is a good path for you to walk for a sustained period of time. I am sure you feel your pain is so tremendous that no one could help you with it. This level of pain is not something to be borne alone. Clearly you can’t come to terms with all of it at once, it is overwhelming, but try to trust enough to make a start. Kim’s tribute was wonderful and put into words what so many of us felt, that we wanted so much to see Mattie grow up, to see the person he would come to be and that having this opportunity cut short is just so wrong. It is as I remember hearing, like a story with the end torn out; no way to know what might have been. I am sad for this was a life story with so much promise and now it is done. Mattie’s story lives on in the memories of those who loved him, who cared for him and who were his friends. There are, I know, many joyous memories for you behind the painful ones. I do hope that as time goes on you are able to focus more on those rather than the more recent ones of trauma, pain and loss."
The second message is from a friend I met through Mattie's soccer group. Elizabeth wrote, "I can't believe it has been a full week since Mattie's funeral. I have had this email drafted for several days and am finally getting it sent! First of all, let me apologize for not being able to compose myself when I saw you at Mattie's Celebration of Life reception! I am so sorry for carrying on and not being able to stop bawling long enough to speak to you! I think that the funeral was just so moving and touching that I could not hold back the release of emotions over the loss of Mattie. It continues to feel just so unfair and difficult to understand! I want you to know that last Saturday was a difficult day for me but it was also a day which helped me grieve for Mattie and be part of the community that loved him and is missing him. Everything that day seemed to set me off crying, from the beautiful words that were spoken of Mattie, to the music and the wonderful pictures and gorgeous art work at the reception. The violinist was absolutely wonderful and so young! The large pictures of Mattie seemed to have him projecting off the canvas right into the room! Like you and some of the others who have written you, I too was irritable on Saturday. I think it goes back to what your former student said about being frustrated at the loss of Mattie's precious life and not being able to do anything about it or to help you through your grief. After speaking to you and exploring the beautiful reception, the one thing that finally allowed me to gain my composure was the food - of all things! I think I had exhausted myself at the funeral and was so famished that once I tasted the wonderful spread that you put out I was able to calm down a little. Funny isn't it. I absolutely agree with your other blog followers that the afternoon was just about perfect in demonstrating what a wonderful boy Mattie was and showing everyone the deep love and admiration you and Peter have for him. The size of the gathering speaks to the love and admiration your friends and colleagues have for your family as well. May these days ahead be easier somehow knowing that you have a large support network and that Mattie will always be remembered - no matter what. Best of luck with the Foundation. You are a resourceful, intelligent, sensitive, inquisitive and capable individual - I know you will do just great with that work."
No comments:
Post a Comment