Thursday, October 22, 2009

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Tonight's picture was taken on Valentine's day in the Childlife playroom. Jenny (one of Mattie's art therapists) caught Mattie on camera after he delivered a box full of handmade valentine's to me. In addition, Mattie made me a crown of hearts, which I am wearing in the picture, to celebrate the occasion. Mattie told me I was his valentine, which clearly brought a smile to my face! This happens to be one of my favorite pictures captured this year, and I can remember this moment quite vividly as if it were yesterday.

Poem of the day: We'll Meet Again

Time to go, the light awaits
A friendly face by open gates
It's not about what's left behind
But peace and joy you're soon to find
Close your eyes be not afraid
Life's not about how long you stayed
It's a reflection of the lives you touch
To whom you've cared and loved so much
The time is short, yet all is done
You need not race the setting sun
For dawn is near a world anew
Is there and is awaiting you
The time for tears is long since gone
Its time for you to be moving in
No need this time for long good-byes
We'll meet again just close your eyes

I spent a good portion of my afternoon today at the doctor's office. I am not sure what I thought was going to happen during this visit, other than my goal was to address certain issues about my health. However, once she heard that Mattie died, this changed the whole course of the examination. Suddenly I became a walking case study in the making. My doctor did not know Mattie per se, but she had met him a couple of times, and each time she met him, she would comment on how he was getting cuter and cuter. Mattie of course liked her analysis. So it was a productive and thorough visit today, and she wants to keep track of me, so she scheduled me for another visit in a few months.

My doctor is located at the same hospital in which Mattie was born. It is actually hard to go back there now, because I can't help but remember this is where our lives began together. It is moments like this where it is so hard to accept that Mattie is gone. How can you bring a healthy baby into the world, and seven years later, he is dead? Something just seems very wrong about this picture. While I was waiting to see the doctor today, a pharmaceutical rep came into the office, with her wheeled cart of samples behind her. She greeted the staff at the front desk of the doctors office and then went into a 10 minute banter about how wonderful the office pumpkin was and how clever the staff was for outfitting the pumpkin with H1N1 protection. The pumpkin was wearing a mask and had tylenol packets taped to its fake pumpkin arms. Myself and two other people in the office were watching this interaction, and when she pulled out her camera and started taking pictures of the pumpkin by itself and then paired up with the staff, I just about lost it. She claims she is putting them on facebook, in case you wanted to know! I am not sure if the conversation alone bothered me or her insensitive nature to the fact that there are people in the waiting room who aren't feeling well, and she is joking about H1N1 flu. I still am not sure exactly why she irritated me, other than perhaps I felt how lucky she was not have a perceived care in the world other than to joke about a pumpkin, while I am sitting in the office having experienced the worst pain in my life (losing Mattie, not my physical pain).

After the doctor's visit, I then had the pharmacy experience. I waited at the pharmacy for an hour, while they were figuring out how to fill my prescriptions. The only reason I got out in an hour is because during the last 15 minutes, I basically flagged the pharmacist and sat right next to her until she filled the prescription. By the time I got home, I felt I put in a full day.

We want to thank the Lee family for dropping off homemade soup and fall fruits to us today. I truly appreciate your continued support and concern for us. We also want to thank the Ferris family for a lovely dinner. You all are making it very clear that your support for us did not end when Mattie died on September 8. Thank you for caring for us, and for helping me this week when I physically wasn't up for handling much.

I would like to share an essay I received from my friend, Jen, in Boston. Jen and I attended Boston College for graduate degrees in Biology. She has been following Mattie's blog religiously and in essence so have her children. Jen came across an essay her 12 year old son wrote about Mattie. Jack, Jen's son, only met Mattie once when he was maybe 2 years old. However, from his essay it is clear that Mattie's life made an impact on him. I was taken aback by this, by his ability to express his emotions, and his courage to face the challenges of losing someone. Jen tells me that Jack not only wrote this essay, but verbally presented it to his class. As Mattie's mom, I am thrilled to hear that a teacher would offer the outlet of such self expression, to allow a child the ability to process his feelings, and also give Jack the opportunity to educate others about Osteosarcoma and the topic of death. A topic many adults shy away from.


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John O’Donnell
October 20, 2009
St. Agnes School
Grade 6B

Inner Sadness

I can still remember the day my mom told me her friend’s son had a rare form of cancer. I believe he had Osteosarcoma. His name was Mattie and he was around 5 years old at the time. For awhile I didn’t think much about what this meant.

For a couple of months I went about life. I did normal things for a 5th grader. Then, one day going into 5th grade I saw my mom on a website. I asked her what it was. She once again told me about Mattie, and how his mother had started a blog for him.

Some days the blog would be happy. For example it would say things like, “Mattie saw The Lion King on stage yesterday, and he loved it.” Some days it would be sad and say things like, “It’s hard for Mattie to be happy during treatment.” I got used to hearing Mattie’s name around the house. We would pray for him every night.

One day in the first months of school, I saw an e-mail saying Mattie had died. I asked my mom if it was true. She said she was planning on telling me later.

I was so devastated I sat on a chair crying for 45 minutes. I wouldn’t have been so sad if it weren’t for his treatment nearly being done. I had never spoken to him. I am pretty sure I had only met him once. I couldn’t get over feeling sad.

I stayed sad for weeks. I eventually learned to get over this sadness. I now know how to handle sadness. I learned the value of loss and now handle it easier. I feel better about Mattie because I know he is in Heaven with God.


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I would like to end tonight's posting with two messages. The first message is from my friend, Charlie. Charlie wrote, "There is a saying that the whole is greater than the sum of its parts. While nothing and no one can replace Mattie, it is pretty clear that with regard to memories, the whole is greater than the sum of the parts. Memories of Mattie, thoughts of Mattie are alive and well in so many people, even those who had little or no direct contact with him. So many of us are holding thoughts of Mattie and find ourselves reacting to objects, ideas and people in a new way that clearly has Mattie’s “prints” all over it. I appreciated Margaret’s tribute to Mattie and “seeing” him as a healthy little boy. I unfortunately, have collected most of my Mattie time via the blog after Mattie was diagnosed so this is really helpful in rounding out Mattie in my thoughts. And finally Tamra, thank you so much for your continuing care and concern for Vicki and Peter; I know they really appreciate the breakfasts, dinners and so many other thoughtful things you do."

The second message is a prayer from a fellow SSSAS mom and friend. Liza heard this prayer in church last weekend and sent it along to me because it made her reflect on Mattie's life.

Life is short.
We do not have much time
to gladden the hearts of those
who travel this way with us.
So, be quick to love,
Make haste to be kind,
and may the blessing of God the Almighty
be upon you and remain with you
all the days of your life. Amen.