Thursday, December 10, 2009

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Tonight's photo was taken shortly after Mattie was diagnosed with cancer. Peter took Mattie to National's stadium to see a game. Though watching baseball wasn't one of Mattie's favorite things to do, he did find the adventure and time with his dad very special and often reflected on that night.

Poem of the day: Remember me

Remember me in quiet days
While raindrops whisper on your pane.
But in your memories have no grief,
Let just the joy we knew remain.
Remember me when evening stars
Look down on you with steadfast eyes.
Remember if once you wake
To catch a glimpse of red sunrise.
And when your thoughts do turn to me,
Know that I would not have you cry.
But live for me and laugh for me,
When you are happy, so am I.
Remember an old joke we shared;
Remember me when spring walks by.
Think once of me when you are glad
And while you live, I shall not die.




I began my day bright and early by visiting the attorney who has helped us establish Mattie's Foundation. I had IRS paperwork to sign. Certainly throughout Mattie's illness, I was up at the crack of dawn, however, now, I can't seem to wake up and get myself together at all. In fact, most nights I still can't fall asleep before 1 or 2am.

After I met with the attorney, I headed to visit Ann. We met up with Alison (our Team Mattie Fund and communications director) for lunch, and it was nice to catch up with Alison and to share some of my concerns and fears about our first Christmas without Mattie.

Ann had planned a party tonight at her home, and so I tried to help in some way set up for the event. While doing this, Ann's oldest daughter, Katie, came home from school and we chatted a while. I think there is so much to be said about being present as soon as your child gets home from school. In fact, I remember with Mattie, this was the moment where I actually found out how school went that day. The window of processing the day was narrow, but in a way, though Mattie was 7, and Katie is 12, I see many similarities. Katie spoke to me again about the centerpiece I made for her mom's table. She seems to be taken by the creativity of it, and each time she comments to me about it, I am taken a back because I am not expecting it.

I had the opportunity to spend some time with Mary (Ann's mom) and Dotty (Ann's aunt) later in the afternoon. Mary's assisted living facility was hosting a holiday party, so we had the opportunity to sing Christmas carols, chat with other residents, and eat non-institutionalized food. They even had a chocolate fountain, which attracted all the children who came to visit their older adult family member. The entire facility smelled of chocolate, which for all intensive purposes for me was wonderful!

I noticed however, in the beginning of the party Mary wanted to hold my hand. It was very touching in a way, because she then told me she is very grateful that I am present in her life. I told Mary it is hard to believe we just met each other last January, but as Dotty said tonight, some people just instantly connect in a very short period of time. I am not sure I would have believed this was possible prior to this year, but after experiencing cancer and Mattie's death, I think it does bond me closer to those who understand the trauma I am living.

There were many moms at Ann's party tonight and I got to reconnect with several Resurrection Children's Center (Mattie's preschool) moms. In fact, Katie (Zachary's mom - one of Mattie's closest preschool buddies) and I reconnected tonight for the first time since Mattie's death. In many ways, I feel as if Mattie grew up with Zachary, and therefore, I felt as if I knew Zachary VERY well. As I was talking to Katie tonight, we both landed up crying, because Mattie's death is just that profound and so life altering for both of us. In fact, I remembered tonight a whole host of memories, such as Mattie playing with Zachary, and this brought me intense sadness and of course joy at the same time. Mattie and Zachary had a special bond, that seemed to transcend time and place. Zachary was a lot like Mattie (prior to Mattie's illness). They were both active with a lot of energy. However, when Zachary learned about Mattie's cancer, that did not stop him from visiting Mattie at the hospital and Zachary accommodated to whatever Mattie was physically capable of playing and doing. I actually was in amazement over their bond and friendship, and I still am.

I value the connection I have made to several of the moms at both RCC and SSSAS, and despite being uncertain about attending tonight's party, I found that everyone really wanted to support me in some way. Which is very special, because after all these women were part of Team Mattie, not Team Vicki and Peter. But I am beginning to see that for many of our supporters, the support does continue to translate down to us. Throughout the night Ann checked in with me to see how I was doing, and at some points I was doing better than others. Social situations for me now can be draining, but also at times they make me feel very vulnerable. Nonetheless, tonight I felt like it was okay to be however I needed to be, which in a way was very freeing.

When I got home, on some level I was emotionally wiped out, and when I went into Mattie's room to put something away, I felt a deep sense of complete isolation and loss. I expect to see Mattie playing in his room, I expect to hear him, I expect to see him, but just like every day since September 8, such a possibility will never happen. It is times when this reality is too hard to bear and manage.

I would like to end tonight's posting with two messages. The first message if from my friend, Charlie. Charlie wrote, "It sounds like yesterday was a good day overall. I am glad you got to have lunch with Christine and rediscover all the things that made you value each others' friendship. I do wish that some parents who seem to constantly push their children into something structured could have the opportunity to read your blog on how important the unstructured play time was to Mattie and his friends. Maybe this is part of the reason why so many children seem unable to entertain themselves; they have no idea of how to pretend, to use their imaginations and really engage in play. That certainly was not true of Mattie who had one of the most amazing imaginations and who could engage almost anyone in play. I hope today is a good day for you and I hold you gently in my thoughts."

The second message is from a former student and teaching assistant of mine. Liz wrote, "I just wanted to say congratulations on launching Mattie's Foundation website. It looks wonderful! Peter did a great job with the logo and everything was so thoughtfully written. I'm sure it hasn't been easy but it is truly well done. Like so many others, I continue to think about your family. I was walking around Roosevelt Island last week and obviously thought of Mattie--you've written numerous times about how much he loved it there. It was a beautiful day and while I was walking, I kept seeing spots and wondered if he had played or explored there. In his honor, I ran and jumped on and off a few rocks along the path. My dog looked at me like I was nuts but I just smiled and kept going. It felt good to be silly so thanks to Mattie for the inspiration. :-)Much love to you and your family during this holiday season."