Friday, December 11, 2009

Friday, December 11, 2009

Tonight's picture features Mattie standing in front of the beautiful water lilies at the DC Aquatic Gardens. The picture was taken in July 2008, right before he was diagnosed with cancer. Every July we would take Mattie to the Gardens. This is a fascinating Garden, because it is free to the public, and is NOT well publicized in the District of Columbia. It is one of those gems and rare finds, that you almost don't want to tell others about, because it is so secluded and peaceful. Nonetheless, I have always been a water lily fan, most likely because Monet (one of my favorite impressionists) painted and captured these flowers in a most breath taking manner. In July, the water lilies at the garden are bursting open, and they are an exquisite site which makes you pause and appreciate the natural beauty around you.


Poem of the day: Comets

Stars at night they twinkle
Afar and burning bright
Each a source of wonder
Standing bright amidst the night

We pay them small attention
For they are always there
We go about our business
With but a single care

But then there are the comets
Bright and racing past
Everyone takes notice
Even if they do not last

It's what people remember
The dramatic burning light
That stands out on the landscape
And brightens up the night


Tonight's poem captures the beauty and brightness of Mattie. Mattie was like a comet for Peter and I. He did race passed us too quickly, but his communities did take notice, and the essence of him burns bright within our hearts.

I had another busy social day today, in which I had lunch with Ann, spent time with Ann's mom, and then went with Ann's children to a Christmas play entitled, The Living Christmas Tree. I had never seen this production before, and for those of you not familiar with it, it is sponsored by a local church in Alexandria, VA. The scenery for the play is VERY creative, because on the stage is a huge Christmas tree that is formed by a choir on risers. In addition to the choir shaped tree, there is a light show going on while the choir is singing. I am not doing the play justice, but it is very clever, very creative, and very moving. In addition to the music, there is also a story line acted out by 8 or more people. The story had a good moral message about the importance of opening your heart to your family, sharing what you have with others, and thinking beyond yourself at this time of year. The play was standing room only and the church was filled with families. There was one particular song that got to me. It did for various reasons, first I had never heard it before, but second and more importantly because the opening line of the song is "I think of loved ones who have passed away, and I pray they are resting in a better place!" I almost felt as if this song was sung just for me, as if Mattie was communicating to me directly tonight. I attached a link to the song, in case you would like to hear it. But I do agree, Christmas can make people cry, and I understand this more this year than ever before.

Sometimes Christmas Makes Me Cry

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-mLIHOqA2G8&feature=related

It was interesting while this very serious song was being performed, Ann's son, Michael, and Tanja's daughter, Katharina were sitting next to me. Neither one of them made a peep through this song or even flinched. I couldn't help but feel as if on some level this song made an impression on them, especially as they were sitting next to me. Since I perceive these children as both very sensitive and intuitive, their attention to this song, made me take notice.

Once the performance was over, my friend Christine (who came with us, but sat in a different part of the church with her daughter, Livi, and Abigail, Ann's youngest daughter) and I chatted about the production. I mentioned the song, "Sometimes Christmas Makes Me Cry." Christine immediately responded and said as soon as she heard this song, she thought about Mattie and I. In fact, she told me she felt Mattie's presence at the church tonight. Interesting that Christine and I felt the exact same way about this! Christine told me she is in awe of my strength because she doesn't know how I manage day to day, much less have the courage to attend a Christmas play, surrounded by children. Christine's comments made an impression on me, and I was grateful she said them, because many times I do not give myself credit for the things I manage to accomplish in a day, and I assure you, some days it takes great faith, strength, and courage to just get out of bed.

After the performance was over, we all walked to Christine's car. I walked with Abigail, Michael, and Katharina. Abigail was having a ball watching how cold I was (because it was frigid out), while she perceived herself as feeling toasty warm. We had a good time arguing back and forth about the weather, and while doing this, Katharina and I were in total agreement. It was just plain freezing. Katharina and I walked through the parking lot with arms around each other, in hopes of keeping each other warm. Walking with Katharina made me realize how much I miss the closeness and love you can only get from a child. For that moment, it seemed magical as we connected on an emotional level that went beyond the physical temperature in the air.

After the play, though I was not expecting this, Ann invited me to her community's holiday party. This was therefore my second party I attended, back to back, and as I enter these social situations, I am now extremely cautious. However, I noticed that I knew several women at this party, which is ironic. I don't live in Ann's neighborhood, yet through Ann, I have these connections as well. I guess I learned something about myself tonight and that is, despite being grief stricken, I am still the same social creature I was before my life was completely altered. I had a nice time talking and laughing with Ann's friends, and two of them want me to make centerpieces for their table. I told Ann I would actually be willing to do this as a fundraising opportunity for Mattie's Foundation. I was very happy to hear how much these women liked what I did for Ann's table, and though I wouldn't have even entertained doing making more candied trees, I keep thinking about what my friend Karen said to me. Which was to use my creativity in some positive way, and I can't think of a more positive way then to raise money for the Mattie Miracle Cancer Foundation!

After the party, I went back to Ann's house and we talked for several hours. Clearly Ann and I spend a great deal of time together and in this process the strength and power of our relationship grows exponentially. The past two days, have forced me socially out of my comfort zone, and yet despite my fears, I managed and connected with others. Of course, I always know that if I need to step out of these social moments, Ann will not only understand but support me through the process.

I would like to end tonight's posting with a message from my friend, Charlie. Charlie wrote, "It seems like yesterday had its share of ups and downs. I am glad you are finding that people are willing to reach out to you and to allow you the freedom and the space to be however you need to be. I know that was a worry for you. I believe that anyone who has been a part of this journey with you and Mattie, has made a connection to you that will hold even though Mattie is physically gone. I can definitely understand though why it would be easier to connect to someone who has suffered a similar loss; the groundwork is already there for an emotional bridge. However, I do believe that the majority of those who care about you and Peter can also bridge that gap if you give them an opportunity to do so. As always, I hold you gently in my thoughts."