Monday, December 7, 2009 Tonight's picture was taken when Mattie was three and a half years old and attending Resurrection Children's Center Preschool. Mattie and I baked two gingerbread houses, and brought them in for all the kids to decorate. In the picture you can see Mattie with his buddies (Caroline, Kate, and Sam), and he is absolutely thrilled. I will never forget the look on Mattie's and Kate's faces when they both determined that they could actually eat the "glue" (or royal icing) used to attach the candies to the houses.
Where is the dealer of this hand?
Who can explain life and it's brevity?
'Cause there is nothing here
That I can understand.
You and I have barely met
And I just don't want to let go of you yet.
(Mattie), hello, goodbye
I'll see you on the other side.
(Mattie), sweet child of mine
I'll see you on the other side.
And so I hold your tiny hand in mine
And so I hold your tiny hand in mine
For the very hardest thing I've ever had to face
Heaven calls for you
Before it calls for me.
When you get there, save me a place
A place where I can share your smile
And I can hold you for more than just awhile.
I spent most of my day at home today. I was able to focus for a little while this morning (which is a rarity!) and edited and updated the Foundation's website that Peter created. It is a work in progress, but I am very proud of its evolution. If you want a sneak peak at it, please visit: www.mattiemiracle.com.
Later in the day, I decided to start assembling the gingerbread houses. In theory that shouldn't be too complicated. But for some reason my glue (royal icing), wasn't holding the pieces of the house together. I remained patient with this project for the first three hours. But after that point, I was quickly going downhill. The fact that the pieces weren't sticking, wasn't really the problem, though that was terribly annoying, what was bothering me was a much bigger issue. The issue seemed to be with me, my inability to get it to work, and one negative thought led to a spiraling downhill of other negative thoughts. When Peter came home tonight, he could clearly see I was in a state and covered in royal icing. The only thing sticking together were my fingers, and Peter and Karen both joked with me that I should get the hot glue gun out and glue the house together! Funny as that may sound, that did not seem like a good alternative to me. So in my overwhelmed state, I removed myself from the house assembly and made dinner. After dinner I went back at it, and like my mom mentioned at the Celebration of Life ceremony, Mattie's voice was also in my head an d told me "you can do, don't give up." This was one of his favorite lines which he heard from a Blues Clues episode on TV. It was actually a song, and whenever we got frustrated we would sing, "don't give up, just go on!" Needless to say, from the picture on the left, you can see that house #1 is assembled and sticking together!Tomorrow is our first Mattie Miracle Cancer Foundation board meeting. Seems fitting since tomorrow will mark the 13th week of Mattie's death. Keep us in your thoughts tomorrow, and I hope this is the start of something more positive in our lives.
I would like to end tonight's posting with three messages. The first message is from my friend, Charlie. Charlie wrote, "I am sorry that you did not have the opportunity to share so many of your interests and passions with Mattie. Given Mattie’s delight in music, I can imagine that sharing your favorite old musicals would have been a joy. I remember my mother playing movie soundtracks for my sister and I and encouraging us to learn the words to her favorite songs. I am glad to hear that you are taking the time to do some creative things during this time and not allowing your grief to keep you from reaching out when you feel able to do so. That said, give yourself time and space for your feelings; try not to judge yourself and to be patient. The past year was exhausting, you used up your reservoir of energy (physical, mental and emotional) and rebuilding your strength will not happen in a week or even a couple of months. Be kind to yourself now. I hold you gently in my thoughts."
The second message is from my sister-in-law's friend, Lesley. I agree with Lesley and Ed, Peter was an amazing dad! Lesley wrote, "This weekend my husband (Ed) and I went to the mall. We never really shop together, but we decided to make a dent in our holiday shopping. During our journey, we entered a Lego store. Ed had never been in the Lego store and he was instantly a child again. He immediately noticed the complicated sets...the sets Mattie created with Peter. I began to show him all the sets Mattie made during his time in the hospital. We both sat and stared and I saw tears in Ed's eyes. He understood the commitment and love that Peter dedicated to these projects because Ed often helps Max. Ed looked at me and said, "They were best buddies and he was an amazing father." It was amazing to me how quickly he got their connection through Legos even though he never read the blog."
The third message is from a former student of mine. Betsy wrote, "I don't really have any words of comfort to give you- or at least anything new. But just know that I am thinking of you today. I know you are suffering from feelings of insurmountable loss and I can only repeat that in time that loss won't seem quite so insurmountable. But it takes time and you need to remember to be kind to yourself during this horrible period. I also wanted to share that after my dad died, I decided to take an online grief counseling course. That led me to a grief counseling group for adults who lost their parents hosted by hospice. I know you haven't had a great experience with hospice, I just wanted to throw out there that there must be grief counseling groups for parents who have lost their young children. And now may not be the best time to go to one of those groups - Mattie died so recently. But maybe down the road when you feel ready, a group specific to your loss would be helpful. I learned a lot from my group and it allowed me to sort out all of the feelings I was having and make sense of things at least a little bit. You are in my thoughts - I wish there was something I could do to take some of your pain away. Just know that you are a wonderful person - a fantastic teacher, an incredible mother, a loving wife, daughter and friend. You will persevere and one day things won't seem quite so dark. And you will be in awe of yourself - your strength, your compassion, your ability to love. And Mattie will be too."
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