Saturday, December 12, 2009Tonight's picture was taken during the summer of 2007. Mattie was taking swimming lessons and learning to become comfortable in the water. Being in a pool did not come naturally to Mattie, he was cautious and fearful, and refused to get his head wet at all costs. Nonetheless, Mattie was making progress and he could kick up a storm in the water!
Poem of the day (Thank you Charlie!): The Shooting Star by Charlie Brown
You started somewhere in the darkness of the before
The place only the spirit that creates life knows
And suddenly you were there
A bright light in our lives
You burned fiercely and with intensity
Loving life and all within it
Creating, playing, loving
Those who crossed your path
We watched you like a meteor
Shoot across our lives
Turning the sky into fireworks
For such a brief time
Such a small boy
Full of life
You came and went too fast
Like a shooting star across our lives
We treasure your light
For as brief as it was
The image burned into our hearts
Lives changed forever by your touch
You will be remembered
In the light of the moon,
The dance of a butterfly
The song of a wind chime
You were a rare one
Picked too soon
We remember who you were
And who you might have been
For most of the day today, Peter and I dedicated our time toward the Mattie Miracle Cancer Foundation (MMCF). I am also learning about the power of Facebook. The MMCF board encouraged us to open a Facebook account to get the word out about the Foundation. So Peter created an account a couple of days ago. Within a matter of days, we can see that the Foundation's website has many "friends" through Facebook, and the site is getting promoted to "friends" of friends. The networking potential is incredible, and I am honored that Mattie's nurses have signed on and are tracking the Foundation's creation and progress. What a group of women, who we absolutely love and respect.
This evening, we went to the Old Post Office Pavilion in the District of Columbia to attend the Tree Lighting 2009 ceremony hosted by the Candlelighters Childhood Cancer Foundation. "Light Up the Holidays with Hope" has become our nation’s largest annual childhood cancer awareness event. Each year during the December holiday season, a 23 foot tree is placed in the lobby of a building in Washington DC. The tree is solely decorated with thousands of gold ribbons (the symbol for childhood cancer). Each ribbon bears the name of a child who has, or has had cancer. The tree glitters strong in our nation’s capitol for all to see. Thousands each year are touched as they are reminded of our nation’s youngest cancer patients.
In addition to attending this event, we were excited to meet the Chelenza family (who live in Pennsylvania). I met Carey through Mattie's blog. She contacted me because her daughter, Lauren, was diagnosed with Osteosarcoma a week after Mattie. Carey and I have communicated through e-mail this entire year, and she continues to read the blog. We have read about each other through our respective websites, so it was a very special opportunity tonight to actually meet one another in person. Carey's daughter Lauren is an osteosarcoma survivor, and Lauren has a brother named Matthew, who is Mattie's age. The highlight of our evening was this reunion. The Chelenza family also made a generous contribution to the Mattie Miracle Cancer Foundation, which was very touching and meaningful to us.
Peter and I searched high and low on this 23 foot tree for Mattie's gold ribbon. We purchased the ribbon on-line, and the Candlelighters Foundation places the ribbon on the tree for the families. Despite our best efforts, we never found Mattie's gold ribbon. We found Lauren's and we even found Brandon's (Mattie's big buddy from Georgetown Hospital). The message we submitted to be placed on Mattie's ribbon read: "Mattie died on September 8th, 2009 from Multi-focal Osteosarcoma at the age of 7. Mattie was our world, our "old Soul." Mommy and Daddy miss you every minute of every day and you remain forever in our hearts. We Miss You We Love You."
Left: The 23 foot Christmas Tree, filled with gold ribbons.
Right: A close up of Brandon's ribbon!
In addition to seeing the Tree and finding your child's gold ribbon, there was a disorganized program of events that followed. One component of the presentation had people in the audience come to the stage to introduce themselves and their children with cancer. Most of the audience members who came forward were cancer survivors. Hearing one survivor story was painful enough, but one right after the other, was totally OVERWHELMING. All I could think of is that these children survived cancer and Mattie fought a good fight as well, but died. The unfairness and injustice about Mattie's death were screaming out at me! All I could think of was that the people around me have a child, and I don't. As I continued to sit and listen to these stories, I could feel the inner turmoil building up inside of me. I landed up crying and feeling angry at the same time. At which point, Peter motioned to me that we should leave. I said good-bye to Carey and her family and then we left. I left for two reasons. First, attending such a ceremony was not appropriate for me in my current state and I couldn't sit still one more second. Second, I acknowledge that I had absolutely no empathy for the families speaking tonight. That was a red flag to me because I normally can empathize with others, and when I can't that means I am on overload. I do not like admitting how this made me feel, but I am drowning in my own grief right now, and until I work through this, attending these social gatherings are not helpful but almost counterproductive.
I would like to end tonight's posting with a message from my friend, Charlie. Charlie wrote, "I can only imagine how much determination, strength and faith it takes to get out of bed these days and particularly now during the Christmas season. I know we all admire what you are doing to be productive in spite of the grief and emotional exhaustion you face daily. I am glad you have the courage to go to some events and the wisdom to know where to draw the limits for yourself. I think it is good that you found some events you can appreciate this holiday season as it is very difficult to withdraw from all of it. As I light the candles of Hanukkah this week, I will keep you in my thoughts."
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