Tonight's picture was taken in May of 2005 on our deck. Mattie loved his sandbox. Mattie did not begin his life liking sand. In fact, he was quite intimidated by it until he entered preschool. It was at Resurrection Children's Center that he began to see the fun and the creativity one can have with sand. After that point, you couldn't get Mattie out of a sandbox. Mattie spent many hours on our deck in the fall, spring, and summer building, designing, and enjoying these simple moments in the sand.
Poem of the day: Helpless Still by Shaakiera
Six months, ten days have passed
yet nothing has changed
time has not started since that April day…
Sadness remains
Tears constant
Helpless still…
Days remind me of a roller coaster ride
not one you enjoy…
but the dreaded kind…
where every uncertain second…
so unkind
one day bearable…
the next, a bottomless pit….
falling
Anger overwhelming
Emptiness always
Helpless still…
Alone… is what you prefer
Push and shove everyone that's dear
out of your life…you want no one near
if you don't love anyone…you can't lose anyone
Patience, my answer…
but you won't hear
Your fear suffocating
Can't breathe…
Can't walk…
Can't live…
Helpless still…
Days are awesome …remembering your ANGELS smile…
remembering his antics…
that nearly drove you insane
Days are awesome
as you face lights up with the lost smile that was hidden since that day…
As if not allowed,
suddenly your laughter transforms into a sob…
Heart breaking…
Soul wrenching…
Helpless still…
Sleep does not come easy
Helpless still
Eat…What's eat?
Helpless still...
They say the pain lessens
Who are they?
Helpless still...
Questions unanswered
all the whys you ask…
Helpless still
As you struggle
day by day
hour by hour
I am still here…right beside you…
reminding you …I care…I love you!
Tonight's poem, "Hopeless Still," speaks volumes to me. In particular, two lines within the poem jump right out at me. The first line in question is, "Push and shove everyone that's dear out of your life…you want no one near if you don't love anyone…you can't lose anyone." This is a very accurate statement of thinking and feelings when grieving. Or I should say, when you have survived a child who has died from cancer. Not that Peter and I planned this, but our world of family and friends was definitely narrowed as a result of Mattie's death. I am not sure if this happened because we are protecting ourselves, like the poem implies, or simply the very fact that our world is no longer the same for us. Therefore, it is not surprising that the people who make up our world now may be different. I have no answers, but I do agree with the sentiments expressed. The second line of the poem that is also telling is, "I am still here…right beside you…reminding you …I care…I love you!" Indeed I am blessed to have several people in my life who remind me of this, however, I think when Mattie was alive, it was easier for people to reach out to me, and definitely easier for others to say they were thinking of me or loved me. Now that Mattie is gone, I do not hear these reminders as often. This is not a social commentary on my feelings in any way. However, it is an observation. An observation that I heard from clients over the years. That as time moves one, it appears as if people have moved on, are living their lives, and aren't as concerned or connected with you as when the death just happened. I absorbed these thoughts and feelings over the years when others told me about them, but I can unfortunately say I deeply understand their sentiments now.
When Charlie wrote me her e-mail message today, it got me thinking. Charlie tried to put Mary's caregiver's reaction to Mattie's death in cultural context for me. As you may recall, Mary's caregiver suggested I have another baby, once she heard Mattie died. I completely understand that the caregiver responded in the best possible way she could and it is quite possible that in her culture, infant and child mortality rates may be higher than the USA. Therefore, such occurrences may be more regular to hear about than in our society. I certainly can appreciate that, and cognitively understand this fact. However, I think what this speaks to is the necessity of understanding the cultural context of death for the person you are interacting with. Clearly, we do not all look at death the same way. It is interesting, as a young child, I travelled to Italy during the summers to visit and vacation with our family. There is a city located on the toe of the Italian peninsula called Reggio di Calabria. My father's mother was born and raised in Calabria. Visiting this small city was an eye opener for me as a child. Why? Because the streets were made of cobblestones, donkeys traversed the streets at all hours of the day, there was only running water and electricity available during certain times of the day, and to me everyone was always wearing black. I remember asking my mom and grandmother why everyone was always dressed in black. They explained to me that if a family member died, a person would wear black for over a year. Needless to say this cultural experience made an impression on me, so much so that Charlie's message seemed to trigger my memory of it today. Wearing black in Calabria was clearly a way death was recognized and memorialized. Not a tradition I observed in the United States for the most part, other than wearing black at a funeral. But I have to say these family visits impacted my understanding of how you understand death and honor the person who died.
I received a lovely card in the mail today. It was a 6 month anniversary card of Mattie's death sent to us by all our friends at Georgetown University Hospital. This remembrance and correspondence means a great deal to Peter and I. We grieve the loss of Mattie each day, and in the process also grieve the amazing support team we developed at Georgetown.
I had the opportunity to see Ann today, after her week away. It was fun to hear about her trip and all she accomplished in one week's time. However, as we all know, getting back from a vacation is hard, and when traveling with children, laundry begins to just pile up. So Ann was digging out of piles of laundry today, and in the midst of that, I tried to help out and catch up with her in the process. Mary, Ann's mother, is focused on getting new shoes and going shopping this week, so if the weather cooperates that may be a possibility. But I take that as a very good and healthy sign that Mary wants to go out on such a journey.
I would like to end tonight's posting with two messages. The first message is from my friend, Charlie. Charlie wrote, "I am sure that when one of the caregivers said you should have another child it upset you deeply. I know it is hard to take in but different cultures have different ways of dealing with the death of a child. Unfortunately in many cultures, while they do love and cherish their children, they also acknowledge that for children, life is fragile and the death rate is high, so mourning is a way of life for many families, unlike us here in the US. So their view often is one should have many children because it is likely that regardless of how much love you give them, you will lose at least one and perhaps more of them. It is difficult for us to understand but she in no way meant that Mattie as a person could be replaced, only that where she is from, many have the same heartbreak as you do and this is how they cope. I work in a school setting with people from more than 25 countries and this attitude is one I am familiar with as a result. It is amazing and awful that instead of having Mattie's alive, warm person to love and hug and care for, that you have to remember him in pictures and objects and things that he used and cared about. All of us who cared about him and about you grieve in our own ways daily to see you go through this and we each remember and honor him in our own ways. May you find some solace in that. I hold you gently in my thoughts."
The second message is from our friend and MMCF board member, Tamra. Tamra's message touched me deeply, and I can't think of a better way to remember Mattie and his birthday on Sunday, than by planting forget me not seeds! Tamra wrote, "The weekend has come to a close with the darkness of the night and the rain that has set in for evening hours. Spring break took us to Florida for a week of training and games for our lacrosse team. A handful of parents made the trip but the days were quite unstructured for us parents - some played golf, others went to the Disney parks, the pool was always a nice respite for reading and the warmth of the sun on one's winter-weary body...The girls played alot of lacrosse at the beautiful ESPN Wide World of Sports fields, which is a part of the Disney properties. They even have a stadium in the ESPN complex - home of the Atlanta Braves spring training. Coach Jenkins has the kids practice and also does a wonderful job of letting them enjoy the adventures at Disney as well as offering them great bonding time as well as building camaraderie and respect for each other. I had some leisure time and read a marvelous book and also took myself to Epcot. It has been many years since I have been to Disney. I was especially keen on going to Epcot because it was garden month and the grounds of Epcot are especially "dolled up" with beautiful plantings, topiaries of Disney Characters...it was a blooming splendor as far as the eye could see...The day I returned alone, I stumbled (literally) upon Tinkerbell's Garden...as I tripped on a stroller that rolled into me. There, ahead of me was a very sweet garden, beckoning all to come inside...so, I parted the little beaded curtain and found myself in a magical spot full of butterflies - topiaries of butterflies, plantings in the shape of butterflies, and real, live, beautiful butterflies. The day was overcast and while I marveled over the butterflies, I suddenly realized that there were gentle, sweet chimes being played by the flutter of the wind. I suddenly felt that Mattie was there...For the past several months, I have had tucked in my wallet one of the delicate butterflies from Mattie's celebration. I planted one by our angel statue in the back yard, but I have kept the other one in my wallet next to a wish ticket...the fragrance of the garden, the beauty of the flowers, the butterflies, tinkerbell, the fairies, the small child's garden tucked into the landscape of this very public and enormous space was a most magical respite...because it felt so full of Mattie...There were a few rain drops falling while I was in Tinkerbell's garden..so, I took my sweet little butterfly from my wallet and tucked it gently in the rich soil of the garden and carefully patted it and smiled..the chimes continued to "sing".. Mattie is everywhere for all of us..he was that kind of boy..loving, unconditionally...and always knew where the fun was...and he was, and is, a catalyst of joy. I have no doubt that the little butterfly seedling is growing..... spring...I think of you both everyday."
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