Tonight's picture was taken in May of 2005, at a park that had a walking path along the Chesapeake River. Mattie loved the water, and he also loved walking outside along nature trails. Each weekend in the spring and summer, we would walk and explore as a family. Over time, we began to know about some wonderful places to visit and walk. We miss our walking buddy and the energy he brought to these experiences. As adults our minds are closed off to many possibilities, but seeing things through the eyes of a child is a special gift. Sometimes you do not realize how much it is until you don't have it.
Poem of the day: When the crabapple blooms by Roland Cavanaugh
When the crabapple blooms, I will remember you,
remember the pain that you felt.
When its dark blooms appear, my thoughts turn to you,
thoughts of suffering that make my heart melt.
The plant was a gift from good, loving friends,
who stood close at hand in my pain.
In their kind, loving words, they suggested to me,
that this tree would live on in your name.
When the crabapple blooms, I will remember you,
remember the pain that you felt.
When its dark blooms appear, my thoughts turn to you,
thoughts of suffering that make my heart melt.
The day it was planted, by the strength of my hand,
I watered it freely with tears.
as each drop of sorrow fell onto its roots,
my heart was relieved of its fears.
When the crabapple blooms, I will remember you,
remember the pain that you felt.
When its dark blooms appear, my thoughts turn to you,
thoughts of suffering that make my heart melt.
The prayer that I prayed, as I covered that mound,
was that the young sapling might live.
I still cry out to God, in a daily report,
“May it have all of the strength you can give.”
When the crabapple blooms, I will remember you,
remember the pain that you felt.
When its dark blooms appear, my thoughts turn to you,
thoughts of suffering that make my heart melt.
While the blooms they remind me that things go on living,
and that life yet comes through when we die.
Still their pedals bring sadness and cause me to ponder,
the reason for the tears that I cry.
When the crabapple blooms, I will remember you,
remember the pain that you felt.
When its dark blooms appear, my thoughts turn to you,
thoughts of suffering that make my heart melt.
The flowers bring beauty to the eye of the beholder,
the fruit provides food for the birds.
The branches give shelter from the threatening weather,
and offer comfort like well-spoken words.
When the crabapple blooms, I will remember you,
remember the pain that you felt.
When its dark blooms appear, my thoughts turn to you,
thoughts of suffering that make my heart melt.
As the crabapple grows, gaining strength and endurance,
a symbol of health it will be.
When the birds leave its branches, and soar to the heavens,
it reminds me that you are now free.
When the crabapple blooms, I will remember you,
remember the pain that you felt.
When its dark blooms appear, my thoughts turn to you,
thoughts of suffering that make my heart melt.
"When the crabapple blooms" is a powerful poem. It is a powerful poem for anyone who has lost someone close to them and who desperately wants to remember that person. The crabapple tree, like any flowering tree, seems to illustrate the delicate balance of life and death. It is a very touching way to memorialize someone, and as Charlie points out in her e-mail to me tonight, Mattie's school is doing just that. Some time in May, a tree will be planted on Mattie's lower school campus. I am deeply touched by this beautiful gesture from the second grade parents and the school.
There are some days where I can't believe I have to even think in these terms. That I no longer have Mattie in my life, that we lost the cancer battle, and that I need to cling to objects and symbols to remember him. Today, while driving in the car, I was hit with the vision of Mattie dying in the PICU. A night and morning I will never forget. It remains with me always, and when I stop to think about it, I can't imagine how cruel the world is to allow a seven year old to suffer in such an intense manner. Fortunately in the end thanks to Dr. Shad and our Angel of Mercy, Sarah Marshall, Mattie was sedated so intensely that he most likely wasn't in pain. But no one should experience this much pain, especially a child, and no parent should have to witness such cruel and unusual punishment.
Peter and I went out to lunch and chatted about all sorts of things today. We both feel under the weather, so together we are a sight. Later in the day I went to visit Mary. Mary thought she would see Ann tonight, or at least this is what she was hoping. However, I explained to Mary again that Ann would be flying home tonight, but would see her on Monday. Everyone in the assisted living facility knows that "the Ann countdown" is zero days until her arrival. What I love about this facility, is that they value family, and understand how Mary's feels, and instead of dismissing her feelings, they empathize and reassure her. While I was sitting with Mary at dinner tonight, we had the opportunity to get to know one of the caregivers better. She was telling us that her husband and 10 year old son are living in the Philippians. She is here on a work visa to raise money for her family. She said she saw her son three years ago. I was stunned, and Mary was listening to this interchange. At which point, Mary turns to me and tried to put a positive spin on my life. She told the caregiver that I was rich. The caregiver took that to mean that I was wealthy. I told her I had a feeling Mary wasn't implying this. Indeed I was right. Mary wanted me to feel a sense of satisfaction that I was with Mattie for seven years, during every step of his developmental process, unlike the woman in front of me. The caregiver looked confused, so I told her about Mattie and that he died from cancer. She was very surprised. I am sure she meant well, but her second question to me was.... have you considered having another baby?! That question took me back a bit, especially since I do not know her that well. My only reaction to that question, which I did not express, was anger. Anger because you can't replace one child with another. It doesn't work that way, or it doesn't work that way for me at all. She then continued to tell me that her mother had a baby when she was older than I was, and therefore should consider it. I was polite through this dialogue, but wondered if it were possible for her to really understand the depths of what I am dealing with or what I dealt with. I know her comments were good intentioned and I am able to step back and understand that logically, but emotionally I am in a different place.
I would like to end tonight's posting with two messages. The first message is from my friend, Charlie. Charlie wrote, "When I saw this poem, I thought of the tree that will be planted on the grounds of the school and hoped that it might give you some sense of healing as it grows and matures. It seems like you could use something positive to focus on right now. After several different dream dictionaries and a number of different searches, I think I may have some idea of what is happening but of course only you will really know if the answer resonates true for you or not. Dreams about the past are very common. They can be attempts by the subconscious to review, remember, explore your deeper feelings about, or make sense of past events. They can also be part of the process of reconciling the past within yourself, including grieving, reaching closure, forgiving, coming to terms, letting go of, or reaching inner peace with your past. Since you already had one disturbing dream about a terminal illness and this is the second one, it may be that your subconscious thinks that when the doctors disagreed on how to treat Mattie, if you had made some other decision, the result might have been different. Mattie's death is awful, to have to face life without your son so unthinkable that your mind has decided to try to "second guess" the process and search for any other outcome. Of course this is not possible but we can't control how we feel, only how we act on those feelings. This whole thing has to be horrible for you; you really know you did your best for Mattie; the solution simply is not available now or in the foreseeable future but somehow things continue to replay when you are sleeping. Today as I practice, the intention will be that when you sleep, the dreams bring you if not healing, at least to a place of good memories. I hold you gently in my thoughts."
The second message is from my friend and colleague, Denise. I hope Denise is right, that by sharing my experiences with all of you, that I am indeed keeping Mattie's spirit and memory alive. Denise wrote, "Each morning I read your blog and send you and Peter prayers and thoughts for strength to support you through your day. This week you wrote a bit about your time at GW. I taught a class for Carrie on adolescent substance abuse and its connection with trauma in reference to assessment, evaluation and treatment this Tuesday evening. It was very nice to see Carrie and her class, however I missed seeing you and missed seeing you interact with your students. I marvel at how you continue with your role as an educator through the entire process of Mattie's illness and treatment and your journey as you grieve the loss of Mattie. You have educated and touched so many people about so many topics. I smile when I read the information you provide to us about places you all have been, as well as all the information you told us about on your cruise. The educator in you is always there, wanting to share with your students. My heart tells me that Mattie is very proud of you and it is through the education and the sharing of your experience that Mattie will continue to live in the hearts and minds of those who love him, as well as you and Peter. As Charlie says daily and I echo her prayer daily, I hold you gently in my heart and in my thoughts."
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