Tonight's picture was taken in April of 2009, on the Washington Mall. Peter and I took Mattie for a walk and a picnic. This was something Mattie always liked to do, however, despite bringing all sorts of snacks for Mattie, he was unable to eat anything. In many ways, I look back at that time, and wonder how Mattie's body could sustain itself without much food or water each day. One thing was for sure, in many ways, Mattie was stronger than the cancer growing inside of him. He fought this horrific disease with all of his might, and even though he had been through hell and beyond, he still had a smile of his face. As was evident in this picture. If that is not amazing, I don't know what is! As I was selecting tonight's photo, I came across this one, and paused. Today while riding the Metro in Washington, DC, I observed a mom with her son waiting on the platform for a train. There was something about how her son was hugging her that reminded me of Mattie. It is funny how I can go from being fine one minute to feeling like I am drowning in emotion in the next. Seeing today's scene only signaled to me that we are missing a very important person in our lives, and this loss has left our lives lonely, sad, and forever changed.Poem of the day: An Angel's Kiss
We go through life so often
And we take each one for granted
As we travel on our way.
We never stop to measure
Anything we just might miss,
But if the wind should blow by softly
You'll feel an angel's kiss.
A kiss that is sent from Heaven
A kiss from up above,
A kiss that is very specialFrom someone that you love.
For in your pain and sorrowAn angel's kiss will help you through,
This kiss is very private
For it is meant for only you.
So when your hearts are heavy
And filled with tears and pain,
And no one can console you
Remember once again.....
About the ones you grieve for
Because you sadly miss
And the gentle breeze you took for granted
Was just......... "an angel's kiss."
I found this poem today entitled, "An Angel's Kiss." I liked the sentiment of the poem very much, because it makes me appreciate the breezes and wind much more now, if I can symbolically think that these aspects of nature are helping me reconnect with Mattie. However, what really struck me about the poem is that I believe when you have the type of traumatic and unnatural loss that Peter and I have had, it changes your viewpoint on the world. Specifically the poem states, "We go through life so often, Not stopping to enjoy the day, And we take each one for granted, As we travel on our way. We never stop to measure, Anything we just might miss." I must admit that I was guilty of all of this prior to Mattie developing cancer. I made many assumptions about life, I was under the impression that I could control my life and my destiny, I was deliberate, calculated, and very measured. I most definitely did not just enjoy the day, why? Because I figured I would have another day just like it tomorrow or in the future where I would then have the time to appreciate things and people. But in the moment, I was busy, productive, and focused. However, in a way, cancer made me see each day differently, people differently, and the future differently. I have learned that nothing in life is guaranteed, that sometimes life gives you things that are indeed too much to bear, and yet somehow you are forced to manage and cope. But cancer ultimately makes you live in the present. Not the future. We are a very future oriented society, we aren't happy with what we have now or are doing now. We are always aiming for tomorrow, to achieve and strive for something better. I am certainly not advocating that this is a bad philosophy, but it is when you can no longer appreciate the moment. You can't appreciate what you have right now. When Mattie developed cancer, I learned to live day by day. It wasn't an easy transition for me to live in this manner, but somehow now that he is gone, I haven't resorted back to my old ways, instead I have remained in this day to day moment.
Cancer was the worst thing that happened to Peter and I, and at the same time, dealing with a terminal illness frees you in ways that you never knew. For example, I feel freer to say exactly what is on my mind rather than holding it back. Which can be a good or a bad thing if you are the recipient. But mostly, I see how precious raising a child is, how special the hugs, kisses, endless questions, and day to day growth are, and unfortunately sometimes in the moment parenting is SO difficult and SO challenging, we take our role for granted. However, not having it anymore, gives me amazing clarity, sensitivity, and perspective. If your child is alive and healthy, you then have received life's greatest gift. It really is that simple. You have signed up for one of life's toughest challenges, and yet one of life's greatest rewards. I wish I could go into Mattie's room tonight and give him a hug, and appreciate the moment. But I can't, so instead, I hope you can capture something from my words tonight, that will motivate you to get up, find your children, and give them a hug and let them know that it is through them you have experienced the true meaning and purpose in life.
I had the opportunity to attend another licensure board meeting today. I have always found my work with the board very stimulating, and I have to say despite my immense feelings of loss and grief, I still find this work rewarding and challenging. In the afternoon, I met up with Ann and got to spend time with her cousins who are in town from Boston, to attend Abigail's Holy Communion celebration tomorrow. Ann's cousin, Helen, is a daily blog reader, and I am very touched that she continues to support us in this way.
As promised I took some pictures of the centerpiece on Ann's table. The theme for Abigail's party is butterflies and birds. This seems like the perfect theme to celebrate a very special occasion, especially since to me butterflies and birds, signify spring, renewal, and the importance of connecting with one's spiritual side.
Left: This is a close up of the actual centerpiece. I bought a birdhouse at a craft store, popped off the top, painted it, and then arranged silk flowers inside of it. You may notice I also put Abigail's name on the left side of the house, and there are dragonflies and butterflies sitting on the flowers. The birdhouse is sitting on a platter filled with colorful pebbles, and on the pebbles sit birds, and even a tiny bird nest.
Right: From this picture, you can get a understanding of the trailing nature of this butterfly garden. With one big birdhouse in the center, and two little ones which I hand painted next to the centerpiece. Between the centerpiece and the white vases (filled with fresh flowers) are tiny butterfly votive candles, which you may not be able to see.
Peter and I went out to dinner tonight and on our way home, we came across one penny on the ground after another. This was highly unusual, and naturally we couldn't help but think that our Mattie angel is sending us a signal along our journey home.
I would like to end tonight's posting with a message from my friend, Charlie. Charlie wrote, "Making a centerpiece or the other craft projects you've done is a gift. Somehow whenever I attempt something like that it appears to be made by a 2nd grader (one who skipped the kindergarten lessons on how to handle scissors and crayons). Perhaps you can make something for the Mattie March that can be raffled off? I have to say that I am glad that the woman in the store who noticed your bracelet and commented was a thoughtful individual. Some of the things people respond with when we honestly respond to their questions amazes me in the lack of concern or rudeness. I am so glad this was not one of those times. As Karen said maybe you can find a way to put your skills together. Some new version of art therapy perhaps? As I practice today I will send my positive energy to you to help you keep the drive you need to make the march and the foundation a success. I hold you gently in my thoughts."
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