Tonight's picture was taken in July of 2009. Mattie, with the help of Peter's parents, made me a three dimensional birthday card. They all knew how much I loved lighthouses, so out of paper and tape, they constructed a replica of Hatteras Light in North Carolina. As you can see Mattie was very happy to give me this creation (this too sits in my living room!). It is so hard to believe that just two months after this picture was taken Mattie died. In fact, Peter told me tonight that Mattie has been gone for 222 days. Peter counts in days, and I count in weeks. When Peter told me this fact, I was simply stunned. I can't believe Mattie has been gone for so long, and yet this loss and its feelings are so very fresh and so very real.
Poem of the day: Just Because by Raivennette
Just because I no longer
stand in front of your eyes
doesn't mean you can't see me.
Close them,
I am there.
Just because I no longer
answer when you call my name
doesn't mean you can't hear me.
Speak softly, listen carefully,
there is my voice.
Just because I can no longer
touch your hands
doesn't mean you can't feel me.
Hold on to another,
my arms are there.
Just because I am no longer there
to show you I love you
doesn't mean my love is gone.
Place your hand on your heart,
feel its beat.
I am there.
Know that I am with God.
Know that God is with you.
And in that we are still with each other.
Just because...
There is something about this poem that simply resonates with me and pulls at my heart strings. Just because I can't see, hear, or touch Mattie, doesn't mean he is absent from in my mind and heart. However, that is what makes this reality so incredibly sad. We are not talking about a special object of mine that has been misplaced or lost (which of course might be sad because I can't touch it), we are talking about the death of a child, my child. It is NOT right and definitely NOT fair that I am unable to see, hear, and hold my son, like so many parents can and do with their children each and every day. No instead, I am supposed to find peace in my thoughts and imagination. Well I am creative for sure, but living life in your head is neither fun, always healthy, and certainly doesn't give you the same kind of purpose, direction, and love as having Mattie physically here with me. Therefore, I find very little comfort in knowing somehow that Mattie's presence is here with me either in a cognitive and/or spiritual way.
Peter worked hard today designing the on-line registration page for the upcoming MMCF Pediatric Cancer Walk. Thankfully Peter has these skills, because that is most definitely not my forte. However, in the afternoon, Peter and I joined forces, to design the registration page's content, and also to design a Walk flyer. We quickly could see that when we put our heads together, the finished product can come out much better. So tonight we are proud to provide you links to both the Walk registration page and to the Walk flyer. Please feel free to pass these links and flyers along to your friends and colleagues. The grassroots efforts of publicizing this event was extremely helpful in making last year's March for a Mattie Miracle so successful. We need your support again this year, and thank you in advance for your efforts. These links can also be found on the blog's homepage, so you won't have to reference tonight's posting in the future.
MMCF Pediatric Cancer Walk Flyer
https://www.mattiemiracle.com/uploads/MMCF_Cancer_Walk_Flyer_2010.pdf
MMCF Pediatric Cancer Walk Registration is NOW OPEN:
https://www.mattiemiracle.com/Cancer_Walk.html
I would like to end tonight's posting with a message from my friend, Charlie. Charlie wrote, "I am so glad you got out yesterday to enjoy the beautiful weather. What a perfect day to tour the gardens at Hillwood and how lovely of Debbie to think of it. Although it sounds like everything at the house and gardens was carefully planned by Marjorie Meriweather Post, there were some things in the house and gardens which seemed out of place. Perhaps in a way it was meant to be that way. When everything seems to be perfect, we cease to appreciate what is there; we become "immune" to it. When something is different, out of place, we get our focus back. We are biologically programmed to be this way. Perhaps she appreciated the things that matched perfectly more because of the things that did not. Sometimes we appreciate what we have because we have seen or experienced something we don't want. One of my previous supervisors always told me was that it was as valuable to take note of what you did not want to do as it was to note what good things you could duplicate. What I am trying to say with this is that you have so many choices ahead of you, both personally and with the foundation. Sometimes when you are overwhelmed with those it is helpful to start with what you don't want rather than trying to choose what you do. As always, I hold you gently in my thoughts."
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