Tonight's picture was taken in September of 2002, when Mattie was five months old. Mattie had a high chair, but preferred eating in his car seat. Actually Mattie loved being in his car seat, as long as the seat was NOT in the car! He was opposed to the car seat in the car, because he disliked being strapped into the seat and confined in any way. As you can see from this picture, Mattie loved eating rice cereal and oatmeal. His love for oatmeal started early in life. In fact, Mattie requested to start his preschool and kindergarten years each morning with oatmeal. He was naturally a healthy eater, and for the most part never liked candy, sugary treats, and junk food. When people would give Mattie candy, he always gave it to me. He honestly did not want it, but he knew, unlike himself, I loved sugar!
Poem of the day: Your Smile ~ author unknown
Though your smile is gone forever,
And your hand I cannot touch,
I still have many memories,
Of the one I loved so much.
Your memory is my keepsake,
With which I'll never part.
God has you in His keeping,
I have you in my heart.
Peter and I had a busy day. We decided to clean up our deck and plant flowers in all of our flower boxes and pots. We haven't cleaned our deck area for quite some time. A third of our deck is still being occupied by Speedy Red. I can't part with Speedy Red, so he will remain there until I can come to peace with it. At the moment, Mattie's sandbox is outside in our commons area. I never thought others would touch this enclosed sandbox. But Peter told me today that other children in the complex do come and play in it, and even showed me the sand that was all over the place as evidence. When Peter showed me this, at first I was very upset. I guess I did not want anything of Mattie's touched. However, Peter got me to think about that, and in all reality if other children want to play with Mattie's things, that shouldn't upset me. Mattie's things brought him joy, and I am sure he would be happy to know that his sandbox brings others the same kind of joy! However, our deck is filled with rocks, acorns, shells, and pine cones. These are all items Mattie collected on his various journeys. I compiled all these Mattie items and placed them in a beach pail. These collections meant a lot to Mattie, and therefore they mean a lot to me. The pail will remain on our deck filled with these found prizes! Mattie also had a large flower planter filled with all kinds of plastic bugs! Naturally! I can't part with these either. So they will have to learn to blend into our flowers displays.
Some times going through all of Mattie's things can become overwhelming. Which most likely explains why I haven't touched anything inside our house since Mattie died. It is an internal conflict. The conflict is between wanting to preserve and honor Mattie's memory versus the desire to recover our lives and our space. I still have every hospital supply and in home nursing care supply needed for Mattie's care. Nothing has been touched, except for the untouched toys that we delivered to Georgetown Hospital. As the months wear on the conflict becomes more intense, and the quandry about what to do and how to live our lives remains. Seeing all of Mattie's rocks, shells, acorns, and pine cones today brought both a smile to my face, and tonight a tear to my eyes. Tears because when I touch Mattie's things it just doesn't make sense to me, the only tangibles left of Mattie are things. Of course these things are vital to me, because things evoke memories.
I would like to end tonight's posting with three messages. The first message is from my friend, Charlie. Charlie wrote, "I was glad to see that you found the licensure board both challenging and interesting. I was relieved to read that you were then able to assess your own needs and go on and rest in the afternoon. Self care is so important but anyone who sees themselves as a "doer" as you certainly are, tends to treat a need for rest as self indulgent and not do what is needful. Today we had a number of new people in practice and we invited them to join us where they could, take options as necessary and always remember to be mindful and breathe. We all sent energy to help them accomplish what they were able to and the increasing reflection of that, we sent to those outside the class we know who also need that energy. I sent mine to you to help you continue to find your way as it says in Nancy's poem to allow warmth, joy, laughter, happiness and song into your world. That is not to say you won't grieve but that it becomes a part of your life, not all of your being. I hold you gently in my thoughts."
The second message is from one of Mattie's favorite HEM/ONC nurses. Some of you may recall that Sarah Marshall is our "angel of mercy." Sarah Marshall was the nurse who worked with us through the night and the morning that Mattie died. Her actions as a nurse that morning will never be forgotten. She performed one heroic act after another. I assure you watching Mattie die was traumatic to witness whether you were his parents or a health care provider. Sarah Marshall witnessed this trauma with us, and watching what she was able to accomplish on September 8, 2009, makes me quite sure that we will always be bonded by that intense experience. Sarah Marshall wrote, "I have been thinking about this email for a few weeks now and still don't know how to begin. I thought about Mattie on Sunday, I always think about him, but I thought about him and both of you even more on his birthday. I can't believe his birthday was on Easter this year! I can't even imagine how hard the day was for you. I read some of the blog and it gives me so much happiness to know that so many people were thinking of Mattie on his big day! Again, I am at a loss for words and the only thing I can really say is that I have been thinking of yall. I have a picture of Mattie on my bulletin board in my room so I see him every single day. I miss him so much. I get updates on yall from Debbi pretty often and try and keep up with how yall are doing. Please let me know if there is anything I can ever do. Debbi said yall were thinking of having some sort of birthday celebration in May. Please keep me updated, I would love to help or at least be there!"
The third message is from a former student and now my friend. Susan wrote, "I was reading your blog about returning to the professional counseling licensure board in D.C. and I had an idea....remember I am an idea person not an action person. Because of Mattie's dying and the toll it has taken on you (Peter and your families) it prompted me to do some research on the loss of a child so that as a mental health professional I would be better prepared to help others in your (G-d forbid) situation. What I couldn't find was a manual on bereavement for parents (particularly Moms). Here's where the idea came in. You would be the perfect person to write such a book. Now before you even say Susan how could you think that???? I am still grieving myself!!! I know and acknowledge that. This isn't anything you'd do now but if and when you ever got to a place where you thought you could. You're an excellent mental health therapist and with the road you've walked, and are walking you have so much insight and knowledge that others could benefit from. I think of you, and Sammie's mom, and remember how so many people are just not attuned to your situation. the book could also raise awareness for those of us who want to support people in this situation but are unsure how to go about it. With your blog following it could catapult right up the Amazon list of popular books!!! And your royalties could benefit MMCF."
No comments:
Post a Comment