Tonight's picture was taken in August of 2008, a few weeks after Mattie was diagnosed with cancer. It was a very challenging time for all three of us, and I recall on this particular afternoon, Mattie was home and in a very bad mood. Totally understandable, but when your child is in a bad mood and also dealing with cancer, you will practically stand on your head to change the tone of things. So in these troubled moments, I usually turned to my bag of tricks. In this case, my bag of tricks was generously provided to us by Team Mattie, who gave Mattie hundreds of gifts throughout his cancer battle. As you can see, in the picture Mattie decided to open up a gift given to him my his preschool buddy, John. It was a special wand to make gigantic bubbles. At first Mattie wasn't into the process, but after producing several large bubbles, I could see his attitude visibly change. There was something very special about seeing bubbles, that made us happy. Certainly Linda (Mattie's childlife specialist) knew the trick of incorporating bubbles into Mattie's play. I remember one particular afternoon in the childlife playroom at the hospital, the entire room was filled with bubbles. In fact the floor looked more like a swimming pool than a floor after Mattie got through with the room! That was another special bubble moment to remember.
Poem of the day: Missing you by Charlie Brown
Sometimes I just sit
And think of all I miss
Your laughter and your smiles
And your good night kiss
I miss your sense of humor
The spiders and the bugs
The feel of you in my lap
And your loving hugs
I've traded these for
Pennies on the ground
Kisses from the wind
Twinkling wind chimes' sound
I know that you're still with me
I can feel your presence near
But it's clearly not the same
As actually having you here.
Maybe someday I will
Be at peace with this
But I just don't see that happening
With all I have to miss.
Charlie's poem seems quite fitting to mark the 32nd week of Mattie's death. Peter and I certainly miss the laughter, the smiles, and the good night kisses! Instead, we hold dearly to the little signs in our environment to remember Mattie, such as the pennies we find on the ground, the moon at night, and the twinkling windchimes in the breezes. If you are a parent, can you imagine being in our shoes? How would you feel at the end of the day if the only tangible way you could capture the essence of your child is through things or aspects of nature? This visual exercise is most likely too surreal to actually be able to or want to participate in, but I assure you, it is hard not to be envious of those around us who have their healthy children surrounding them. I of course am happy that other children I know are not battling cancer, but I am also human and fragile at times, and therefore the word envious seems appropriate for how I am feeling today.
I had the opportunity to spend part of the day with Mary (Ann's mom). I told Mary I was very sorry to hear about the loss of her sister. Mary is concerned about her sister's husband and also saddened by the fact that she will physically be unable to go to California where the funeral will be held. In her lucid moments today, she acknowledged that such a trip would be too debilitating for her, which is indeed correct. Mary reminisced with me about her sister's life, the times she travelled to California to visit her, and the impression these trips made on her. In fact, her first trip to California was the very first time she flew on an airplane, and she told me about that experience and all the fun she had on the West Coast. In the midst of talking about her sister, I noticed that Mary also reflected on the many other losses in her life. I think this is so natural to do, and I find myself doing the same thing. When you are vulnerable to one loss, the other losses seem to resurface and compound one's feelings.
This evening, Peter and I had dinner with Liz (a friend and SSSAS mom, and the chair of last year's March for a Mattie Miracle) and Kristen. Kristen is a graphic designer working with us on a professional logo for the Foundation. This was our first face to face meeting with Kristen, and she was absolutely delightful. Her ideas are creative and capture Mattie's spirit! In fact, her first draft of a logo was well done, and we discussed tag lines with her tonight. Will still need to give this more thought, but the whole dialogue was immensely helpful. I also have been trying to brainstorm so many ideas for the walk, that each idea has a way of taking on a life of its own. Liz was able to help me take a more realistic perspective and we talked about solid ways to proceed forward. Some times when you become overwhelmed, it takes a voice of reason, to calm you down and give you a reality check. Liz did this for me tonight, and I am very appreciative.
When I got home from dinner, I started to go through my e-mails, and have been having an hysterical dialogue back and forth with Carolyn (a friend, RCC mom, and the chair of our Walk raffle this year). I think it is important to have a sense of humor in general, but when working toward the common goal of planning a successful walk, it is very necessary. Carolyn, whether she knows it or not, helped me see this tonight.
I would like to end tonight's posting with three messages. The first message is from Mattie's oncologist and our friend. Kristen wrote, "Another Tuesday...and I am thinking of you. Much love."
The second message is from my friend, Charlie. Charlie wrote, "We all know that you help because you are a "good soul" and not for the recognition/appreciation you might get from that but it is nice to know that what one does is appreciated; it "funds" the emotional bank account and in turn, allows one to do more to help. I know each day is a hurdle to face but it always gives me hope when I see that you have a project and that you are progressing as you are on the foundation and the march. Coming up with just a few words is really tough; when the military would decide it was time to change their commercials we would always wait to see what they came up with. Does it have to be only two or three words? Can it be more of a motto or is that out of favor these days? I am sure with you and Peter and your "team" working on it you will come up with something that says what you want it to. As I practice today I will send you energy to help you with the creative side of things (not that you need it in my opinion). I hold you gently in my thoughts."
The third message is from my friend and colleague. Nancy wrote, "As Tuesdays are so difficult for you, I wanted to send love and thoughts today. I just read yesterday's blog and was so amazed to see how many hits have taken place since Marv and I left for Florida. You have truly touched many folks and we are honored to support you both on this difficult journey. Vicki, Charlie's poem spoke to me too as I arose at 3 this morning and began to pour out my feelings regarding missing my parents and my current situation with my brothers. It doesn't always give me answers yet it does free my thoughts for more productive decision making. That is why I think the blog has been so inspirational. Your aim was not to enlighten others on how to grieve and work through this horrible time for your family, however, it has accomplished this and more. I am glad that you will visit Mary today as she does count on you and both of you have given so much to each other. Although May 23rd is weeks away, I wanted you to know that I will not be able to attend the walk in person. I will be there in spirit! I hope that the day is clear and crisp for you as a reminder of days gone by when you were out and about with Mattie. These clear days are the ones that I know you cherish. I am sorry that your parents and you had only 1 Grandparent's day celebration, but, it looked like a winner. The picture of the two of you is priceless."
No comments:
Post a Comment