Tonight's picture was taken in March of 2008. I had a conference to attend in Hawaii during that spring break. So Mattie and I flew to Los Angeles, and he spent four days with my parents, while I continued onto Hawaii. When I returned, we took Mattie to a museum that had a bridge with misting water. Naturally as you can see, Mattie did not miss the opportunity to do one of his favorite things. To get wet and run around. The irony is, I was running around after him attempting to keep him dry, but I could see that was a futile process. So I gave up. You can see I caught Mattie in action and smiling!
Poem of the day: Thank you by Charlie Brown
Thank you for being there
For listening, for witnessing
For holding my hand
While I pour out
The story of my grief
Once again.
Thank you for being brave
It takes a certain courage
To listen again
To something you cannot fix
Or take away.
Walking with grief is
Never easy
As I swing from
Tears to anger
To loneliness
And back-
Thank you for bearing
The unbearable task
With patience and love
And for being
My friend.
I do not have much to report today because we spent the day at home. Besides doing a few chores, the remainder of the day I spent in front of my computer. I have been trying to focus on collecting information about pediatric cancer for the last two weeks. Slowly I have been combing through it, and reading it. Today, I decided to start putting information together, because this is content I would like available to attendees at the Walk on May 23.
I am so grateful that we live in an era where technology can virtually bring a library into my home. I have downloaded so many articles over the last two weeks, and the beauty is, I did not have to run around to various places to obtain this information. Though everything is available through the Internet, I still had to read it, and put all the information together in a way that made sense to me. Nonetheless, I tried to remain focused today, but there still is so much more that has to be done, and I realize the walk is only 22 days away.
Peter and I are very grateful to all our Walk Team leads, and we are proud to report that we have numerous local vendors who will be participating in the Walk and featuring their merchandise, as well as many wonderful raffle items for attendees to have the chance of winning. Things are starting to come together, and with that of course comes more peace of mind. Somehow I have linked the success of the Walk as not only a direct reflection of our Foundation, but more importantly to the legacy Mattie leaves behind. So despite dealing with grief, feelings of sadness, and bouts of depression, thinking of Mattie, always motivates me to get it together, and focus toward the success of the Walk. But I assure you this isn't easy, because internally sometimes my mind is scattered and my energy level on certain days is non-existent.
Today was a beautiful weather day in Washington, DC. I did not spend much time outside, but Peter and I did have dinner on our deck, and listened to the sounds of Mattie's fountains. As we were outside I couldn't help but see Speedy Red staring me right in the face. There are times, I expect Mattie to run outside and jump right onto this car, and while having dinner, I could distinctly hear Mattie calling out to us in my mind.
I would like to end tonight's posting with a message from my friend, Charlie. Charlie wrote, "Sometimes I believe we do what is meant to be even though we have no idea about that at the time. Clearly you were supposed to get that phone call and spend the day outside with Mary, Mattie's teacher. She was so much a special part of Mattie's world and now she has been able to help you as well. She is a wonderfully gifted lady. I can recall the video she helped put together for the memorial service quite clearly; it was definitely a project of love by both you and Mary. As you said, listening to someone who is grieving is hard and is not possible for everyone. It takes a special kind of person to be able to stay with the feelings that the griever has without judging, or trying to fix them or running away. I am so glad you have so many people around you who are willing to try to be there in the listener mode for you; some would say it is Karma. You have always given and listened, now the same is returned to you. Today as I practice I will direct my energy to the continuing work of getting the foundation and the walk organized. I hold you gently in my thoughts."
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