Tonight's picture was taken in February 2003, when Mattie was 10 months old. As you can see, he is sitting in his walker, which we called "tot wheels," and in usual Mattie fashion he was zooming around the house and checking out everything. In this picture, you can see that he has worked the drawer open of our front hallway table, and was very eager to see what was inside.
Poem of the day: Tears for You by Charlie Brown
Tears can be
Cleansing
Burning
Uncontrollable
Unshed
Or all of these.
My tears are
The unspoken wail
Of a parent
Whose heart is torn
By the loss of a son.
I water your memory
With my tears.
Between Peter and I, we have definitely shed many tears over the loss of Mattie. For me, I have two settings, either crying uncontrollably or as the poem indicates, "unshed" tears. I should mention that unshed tears are only what the outside world can see, however, I completely understand the expression.... crying on the inside. It can be just as emotional and just as draining, yet people do not see these tears, they can only be felt in my heart and mind.
As I was driving this morning, right over the Memorial Bridge, I looked up in the sky and there I saw military jets. Lined up side by side, performing a "fly over," right over Arlington Cemetery. However, it wasn't your regular kind of fly over, instead, they performed a missing man formation. The missing man formation is an aerial salute performed as part of a flyover of aircraft at a funeral or memorial event, typically in memory of a fallen pilot. The formation flies over the ceremony low enough to be clearly seen and the leader abruptly pulls up out of the formation (literally heading straight up into the sky) while the rest of the formation continues in level flight until all aircraft are out of sight. I have heard of this kind of formation before, but I had never actually seen one. I wasn't the only car fascinated by what I was seeing. It is no wonder, many of us did not drive right off the bridge, since the performance was captivating. It was actually a very touching illustration, because it was evident it was in remembrance of someone who has departed this earth. The aircraft heading straight up to heaven made an impression on me. Naturally I couldn't help but feel for the person who lost his/her life in the line of service for our Country, and taking it one step further, it made me think of Mattie. Mattie was once a child who travelled with his group of buddies (just like these aircrafts today), but because of cancer, his journey was destined to be different, he would have to walk it alone (like this single jet shooting up to heaven).
I spent the morning with Mary (Ann's mom). Ann flew out to California to attend her aunt's wake and funeral, so with Ann gone, I decided to spend some time with Mary. Mary was naturally very upset and needed company. Later on in the day, I went to Ann's house to spend the afternoon with her children until Bob got home from work. In order to make the afternoon run effectively, I had the help of Alison (who dropped kids off to me from school, since I have yet to drive back to Mattie's lower school campus) and Ellen (taking Abigail to soccer). Tanja was also waiting in the wings to help, if I should have needed it. All I can say is through Mattie, I met quite a team of amazing moms. I appreciated their help today, even on a moment's notice! Though Ann did not ask me to do this, I felt the need to help her with chores around the house while she is gone. I remember all too well as a mom how things can pile up quickly from laundry to dishes, and I felt compelled to help her manage this while she was away. Abigail and I also had our moment by the tree. We continued with our story about "Big Red" and "Little Jack," both dogs on a cruise ship adventure. Today, I was galloping around the tree, since it was "wild west day" aboard the cruise, and "Big Red," my character was learning to ride a horse. Honestly she and I must be a sight to watch based on the zany story lines we create. Abigail let me know today that the cruise has been extended for another three weeks. The ship is now headed for the Hawaiian Islands, so clearly this story will continue to evolve. Abigail acknowledged today that she couldn't believe how we have been able to keep this story line going, and it innocently started a few weeks ago, when she wanted to go outside and climb.
I would like to end tonight's posting with a message from my friend, Charlie. Charlie wrote, "All I can say is that yesterday must have been a totally "packed" day. In spite of the feeling that your life is a "shambles" I think you are doing well. I know that you would not have been able to go to such an event (NCCS gala) just a few months ago and stay the evening with or without support. I am sure you were not the only person in the audience who cried last night although I suspect your tears had even more connections to them than most. Your comments about needing to treat cancer patients in a holistic manner and support their caregivers was so on target; I hope the Foundation can do something to move this along. Virginia, I loved your prose/poem of I remember you which gave me another wonderful glimpse of who Mattie was before cancer entered his life and changed everything. Mattie has touched my life so deeply that it is sometimes hard to remember that my connection to him was so tenuous. As I practice today, I will send you my energy to help you recover from what was clearly a good but challenging evening. I hold you gently in my thoughts."
No comments:
Post a Comment