Friday, April 30, 2010
Tonight's picture was taken in April of 2008, at the spring festival held at Mattie's school. I decided to post this picture, because today was his school's 2010 spring festival. Something I know Mattie would have liked to attend. Mattie had a wonderful time at the festival with his buddies. Pictured with Mattie was his good friend Campbell and his sister, Livi. The irony is when Mattie was accepted to the St. Stephen's and St. Agnes School, he was invited to attend the 2007 festival, as a way to welcome and introduce him to the school. Mattie was so intimidated by the festival that year, that he refused to participate. Instead, we spent that festival alone together on the playground. However, by spring festival 2008, after Mattie almost completed kindergarten, he loved the event, and loved interacting with his friends. Mattie felt comfortable and part of his school community and his behavior clearly demonstrated his feelings. In a way, today was a very bittersweet day for me. However, while the spring festival was taken place, I had the wonderful opportunity to spend that entire time having tea with one of Mattie's favorite teachers, his technology teacher, Mary. Many of my faithful bloggers will remember, Mary came regularly to the hospital to work with Mattie on his technology skills. Mary would work with Mattie, and during that time she would give me a chance to take a break. Mary's kindness will never be forgotten.
Poem of the day: High Flight by John Gillespie Magee, Jr
Oh! I have slipped the surly bonds of Earth
And danced the skies on laughter-silvered wings;
Sunward I’ve climbed, and joined the tumbling mirth
of sun-split clouds, — and done a hundred things
You have not dreamed of—wheeled and soared and swung
High in the sunlit silence. Hov’ring there,
I’ve chased the shouting wind along, and flung
My eager craft through footless halls of air....
Up, up the long, delirious, burning blue
I’ve topped the wind-swept heights with easy grace
Where never lark nor even eagle flew—
And, while with silent lifting mind I’ve trod
The high untrespassed sanctity of space,
Put out my hand, and touched the face of God.
I was so tired on Thursday night, that somehow I forgot to put my cell phone in its silent mode before I went to sleep. As many of you know, my cell phone is never far from me at all times. This is one of many aftermaths of PICU life. In any case, at 9am, my phone rang. On most days I am up before then, but today wasn't one of those days. I did not get the phone in time, but I could see I had a voice mail message. It was from Mattie's preschool teacher and my friend, Margaret. Margaret wanted to know if I wanted to meet her for lunch and to sit in the gardens at the National Cathedral. At first, I was going to tell Margaret that I did not feel up to going, because I was going to work on Walk related things today. However, before I called her back, I changed my mind. Since I plan on working the entire weekend on Walk items, I decided I shouldn't pass up the opportunity to spend an afternoon with a friend.
I met Margaret at the Cathedral, and we had a nice lunch in the gardens and then walked around. We were so engrossed chatting, which happens with us, that I was completely unaware of the fact that I was getting a terrible sunburn. I now look like a lobster, but despite that fact, I am glad I got myself up, dressed, and outside today. Margaret's call came at the right time, because I needed to get out and to talk today. Staying home alone, may not have been the best plan for me, and I am so happy that we had this time together. I appreciate the opportunity to connect on an emotional level and to be understood. Margaret was telling me about a friend of her brother's who just lost his wife to cancer. Margaret's brother did not know how to help his friend. She tried to explain to her brother that there really is nothing tangible you can do when people are grieving, other than to sit with them, listen, and to provide support and hope. In fact, when I heard this I completely concurred. Grief work is not for everyone, and it is not for everyone because there isn't a quick fix, there are no tangible to do's, and certainly it may be painful to listen to the same issues and feelings over and over again. However, as Margaret's brother illustrates to me, true friendship is just that. It provides the impossible..... it provides the courage, love, and patience to sit through the unbearable and to walk the journey that no one really ever hopes to have to face in life.
It was the day of social and emotional connections. After having a delightful time with Margaret, I drove to meet up with Mary, Mattie's technology teacher. Mary surprised me with two very thoughtful gifts. She brought back tea for me from her trip to Costa Rica, and she also brought me a beautiful handmade glass angel. The angel is made from purple glass, one of my favorite colors, and sits about 8 inches tall. The glass maker is a woman who donates a portion of her proceeds to cancer organizations. I was deeply touched by this very sensitive and thoughtful gift, and I told Mary that every time I look at it, it will remind me of my little angel. Mary lost her mother to cancer, and in many ways, we understand each other. We understand the cancer battle and its aftermath, and we also understand that the loss of someone near and dear to you is not something you get over. It is something as I suspected you learn to deal with, but the wound will always, always be there. Mary was deeply fond of Mattie, and she was courageous enough to tell me how my son impacted her life. In addition, Mary allowed me to share and relive parts of Mattie's illness and death. Part of the road to healing with grief is to be able to tell one's story. I do bits and pieces of this on the blog, but reliving the pain is not something I typically share. But I found that I obviously need the freedom to be able to express what I witnessed, and I thank Mary for listening. Unlike when Mary would come visit Mattie in the hospital, today, we had the time to connect and learn more about each other. I can see why Mattie was so fond of Mary, she is a person who is so good hearted and genuine. Mattie was very astute at reading people and when Mary would come to visit him in the hospital, he typically welcomed and engaged her. That wasn't always a typical reaction to most visitors. What Mary may not know is that meeting her for tea, while I knew Mattie's school had its spring festival going on, was very supportive and meant a lot to me. I knew all of Mattie's friends would be at the festival, and life for them is filled with fun and excitement (which it should be!), while I know that my son will never experience that excitement again. In losing Mattie, I also lost a big part of my social community. I no longer fit in the parent world, but I also do not fit into the married with no children world. So it leaves me in a quandary. Fortunately while struggling through this quandary, Mary sat with me tonight.
I would like to end tonight's posting with a message from my friend, Charlie. Charlie wrote, "I have seen a number of "missing man" flight formations in my life as an Air Force officer. In fact I have been the "officer in charge" of over 250 military funerals in my career. Very often in a funeral the High Flight poem was read and so I offer it here. I can see Mattie soaring, enjoying his time among the insects and the birds, and finally racing the planes to soar where none of us yet can go. It was as always thoughtful of you to help Ann out with her mother who clearly values your company as well as spending time with Ann's children who also appreciate your ability to listen and to participate in their games. Abigail has quite the imagination and I can see her as a writer of wonderful stories sometime in the future. As I practice today I send you the energy to help you through. I hold you gently in my thoughts."
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