Tonight's picture was taken on Mother's Day in 2007. Mattie posed for the camera and was trying to express how he loved me, by holding his arms tightly in a criss cross position. I have my parents visiting, and my lifetime friend, Karen, as well. They are all here to support us in this year's Walk. My mom was telling me today that it is hard visiting our home because it screams out Mattie. I have learned to absorb this deep and sickening feeling, but when she brought it up today, I did feel validated in a way because it does help explain why I feel unable to enjoy being home. I most certainly, or rarely spend time in our living room any more. I only became conscious of my avoidance of that room a few weeks ago. When I look at tonight's picture, it is simply impossible to believe that the face before us is no longer physically with me.
Poem of the day: Don’t Think I Do Not Grieve by Brenda Penepent
Don’t think I do not feel;
because you see no tears.
A river rages deep inside
of grief, and loss, and fears.
Just because I do not cry now,
don’t think my heart’s not broken.
I keep inside the misery
of words not to be spoken.
Sometimes I smile, or crack a joke,
so you won’t see the pain;
or notice how my hands will shake,
or how I’ve gone insane.
Each time I chance to think of [him],
my heart is ripped asunder.
The loss I feel is mine alone.
you will not see my thunder.
My mom and I went over to Ann's house today. We wanted to show my mom the raffle items that the team wrapped on Wednesday. My mom loved what she saw, and we had the fun of wrapping up a mystery item for the raffle today! All three of us got into this project. In the midst of wrapping, Ann was visited by a RCC mom and a SSSAS mom, both dropping off food and drink contributions for the Walk. Seeing things pile up in Ann's garage has been a very humbling observation for me. Humbling because it shouts out how caring, thoughtful, and generous our community continues to be, and how the support hasn't stopped after Mattie's death.
We went out to lunch today, and while having lunch, Peter got a phone call from Fox 5 news. They would like to interview us Sunday morning before the Walk, and the producer expressed his support for our cause. So stay tuned for more information about this.
While I was driving in the car today with my mom she told me a fascinating story about her mom. I was very close to my maternal grandmother, and she lived with my parents and I while I was growing up. I think my mom wanted me to hear this story because she felt as if it would be meaningful to me. I knew my grandmother had a brother who died when he was only 31 years old. No one really knew what he died from, but most likely he died from a post surgical infection. When he died, my grandmother and her mother were devastated. They spent a great portion of their days crying and unable to function. Then one day, my grandmother was able to recall a dream she had. In her dream, her brother was sitting in a baseball dugout, looking sad, while he was watching his friends play ball in the field. In the dream, my grandmother went up to him and asked him why he wasn't playing. He responded and told her he couldn't play and have fun when he knew his mom and sister were so miserable and crying everyday. This dream, I hear, really shook up my grandmother, who then relayed the story to her mother. It was from that day forward that both women vowed not to cry. They wanted my grandmother's brother to be able to move on to a better and more peaceful life, without having to worry about them. My mom tells the story better than I do, but I found it so interesting how one dream could change the outlook of my grandmother and her mother. I am not sure if I feel as deep a spiritual connection as my grandmother did, but knowing her, she was an extremely sensitive individual, and if someone was going to have some sort of vision, it would be her. But then again, my grandmother was a devout Catholic, and despite having multiple losses in her life, her convictions and beliefs never wavered. I am not as well grounded in my beliefs as she was, and therefore, I am not convinced that how I act and feel now, impacts Mattie's happiness in the great beyond. Nonetheless, I thought about this story and my grandmother today, and having experienced intense grief of my own now, I empathize with the fact that my grandmother lost her brother at a young age, a husband to cancer at a young age, and also lived through the death of her second child.
Tonight my lifetime friend, Karen, arrived into town. Karen has been keeping up with my crazy pace each and every day, and she is now ready to hit the next few days running. We have another full day tomorrow, which is our last preparation day before the Walk! My home is looking more like a wherehouse than a home at this point. To distract me tonight, Karen pulled out her itouch, or ipod. She showed me how it worked, and we listened to music on it, and played games. We have come to the conclusion from the games that math is NOT my strong suit. My mom, having been a high school mathematics teacher can attest to this fact!
I would like to end tonight's posting with a message from my friend, Charlie. Charlie wrote, "I keep checking the weather reports and hoping for sunshine for the walk on Sunday. But rain or shine, I know that things will go well and your supporters will be there for you. I am glad your parents are here to support you on this second walk; with all the tasks you have ahead I know you are delighted to have them here to help you. I clicked through to check out the Pork Barrel Restaurant and I thought it was wonderful how they are offering support to the foundation; I wish them success and I hope this turns into a good partnership for both the foundation and the restaurant. As I practice today I will send you the energy to help you complete those last remaining tasks that need to be done before Sunday. I hold you gently in my thoughts."
No comments:
Post a Comment