Tonight's picture was taken last May, right after the March for a Mattie Miracle. Mattie came back home and spent time with his cousins. Pictured from left to right are Nat, Will, Mattie, and Sydney. Despite Mattie having a full day outside at the March, he was still very excited to have this visit with his cousins, and to have time to play. In fact, when I look at this picture tonight, it just makes me cry. I miss Mattie's face, voice, and presence.
Poem of the day: Invisible Words by Brenda Penepent
Invisible words hang in the air.
A silence loud and lingering.
Unrealized dreams and shades of despair
Overshadow material things.
Promises now, which can not be kept
Of forever and ever with you.
Feeling with sadness the change in our lives
And not knowing what to do.
Invisible words in invisible worlds
Streaming through my mind.
All of the things I might have said.
Innocence left behind.
Past, is the vision behind the glass.
So near, but unable to reach.
A separate lifetime, just a moment ago,
Silently I scream.
I had to read this poem several times tonight. It could be because I am simply exhausted that it made no sense, or maybe because it is too close to home, I did not want to actually identify with it. There are many times in a given day, when I reflect back on the past. My past with Mattie in my life. As the poem expresses, my past seems like "a separate lifetime, just a moment ago." In many ways, losing Mattie seems like a lifetime ago, and yet it is only 8 short months ago. There are times when I almost feel like I am living two very distinct lives. One in which Vicki was a mom, and now the current life in which Vicki is undefined.
Today was a day filled with Walk related tasks. I really did not venture far from home today, and we both worked solidly throughout the day. There were two bright spots to our day which I would like to share. The first of which was we received a call from Dr. Aziza Shad. Aziza, as some of you may recall is the director of the pediatric Lombardi Center Center at Georgetown University Hospital, and she was also the doctor on call the week that Mattie died. I will never forget Aziza's compassion and competency as a physician and how well she managed Mattie's end of life care. Aziza called us today to let us know how much she loved the Foundation's new logo. She commented that the logo is about hope, healing, and support. I couldn't have said it better! Aziza also let me know that she is planning on attending the Walk and is also bringing her three children with her. Peter and I are very honored to have her support, as well as the support of many nurses, Linda (Mattie's childlife specialist), and Denise (Mattie's social worker) at the Walk. It is like a family reunion, except none of us are related, accept through the amazing bond we had with Mattie.
Tonight while Peter and I were having dinner outside, we looked up at the sky and we saw a bright star. In fact we saw this star in the same place last night. It was the only star visible to us, and it almost begged us to look at it. I told Peter this is Mattie's star, and it is my hope that he has been looking down on us the past couple of days, as we work quite diligently to put together a Walk in his honor.
I would like to end tonight's posting with a message from my friend, Charlie. Charlie wrote, "I was so glad to see that you (aided by Peter) took my advice and took a break from the planning to walk for a bit by the Potomac. We often don't realize it but if we continue to work too long at something we get less and less focused and the quality of what we do suffers. Taking a break, enables our minds to clear and come back to the task at hand. As you said, grief is a very personal emotion. Even if two people are grieving the loss of the same person, the way they react, the situations that cause distress can be, and usually are different. The key to surviving the grief process is not to judge your own or others emotions as right or wrong. I know you feel lost, that you don't have all the things that used to keep you busy and productively occupied. As you feel stronger and more centered you will be able to put SOME of these things back into your life. The idea is not to just pick them all back up without thought, but to evaluate them and add back the ones that really have worth and meaning for you. As you begin to move forward I send you the energy of my practice to help you overcome the emotional obstacles you confront. I hold you gently in my thoughts."
No comments:
Post a Comment