Tonight's picture was taken in May of 2009, at the March for a Mattie Miracle. At this event, Mattie performed magic tricks with "the Magic Man." Otherwise better known as Bob Weiman, Mattie's head of the lower school. Bob visited Mattie quite often at the hospital and at home, and during their times together they played and also performed magic. Bob gave Mattie a handcrafted magic bag, and during each visit, Bob would teach Mattie another trick. Mattie was then able to keep the materials to perform the trick and he always enjoyed adding a new trick to his collection within his bag. Mattie loved learning magic, because it made him feel unique, special, and normal. Mattie had numerous magic performances at the hospital for his nurses, or really anyone who would watch him. In tonight's picture, Mattie and Bob performed a trick called the Peanut Butter Booger Trick. Mattie clearly liked the trick and the trick's name, but I know he would have been honored to learn that Bob unofficially calls the trick the "Mattie Brown"now. You can also tell from the photo that there is an umbrella over Mattie's head to protect him from the sun that day. The person holding the umbrella, throughout the ceremony and the magic show was none other than Mattie's big buddy, Brandon. Seems to me there is something very symbolic about having your good friend shade you with an umbrella.
Poem of the day: Legacy by Charlie Brown
I am trying
To make this be,
A worthy legacy.
Can you see?
I am working
Through my fear,
To pull this together.
Can you hear?
Watching as I work
With so much care,
To make this happen.
Are you there?
I hope you know.
I hope you are.
Guiding me always
You are my star.
Today was another day at home, in front of the computer, trying to put thoughts together for posters at the Walk. Peter and I sat down together during various points throughout the day, because I felt scattered and unable to consolidate what I was trying to say. So we spent a lot of time brainstorming things together. However, the tensions were high for both of us, and I think trying to plan the Walk and also discuss cancer related facts are hard especially when you reflect on the fact that we only lost Mattie seven months ago. Combing through facts about causes, survival rates, treatments, research, and deaths from cancer can be overwhelming at times. Trying to convey a ton of information in short sound bites to place on a poster is also extremely challenging, and because I have so much wrapped up into the success of this walk, I can easily get overwhelmed, and then freeze in terms of my productivity.
Charlie's poem, Legacy, captures many of the sentiments I am feeling. Imagine trying to create a legacy for your child? This is not something I ever thought I would be doing. After all, as adults we seem to work hard on generating our own accomplishments and successes, in order to create a legacy that our children can be proud of. I never thought, I would have to face the daunting task of creating a legacy for my seven year old who died from osteosarcoma. I am aware of the fact that Mattie touched the hearts and minds of his family and friends, but I continue to search for the true meaning in Mattie's death. Mattie died for a purpose, yet I just do not understand the reason, the purpose, or the legacy yet. But I know they must exist, and each day I plod along in deep search for them.
As Peter admitted, he had a hard weekend. I think weekend mornings are particularly hard for him cause this was usually the time that he and Mattie would bond together over an activity. When you feel such intense pain and sadness, I assure you it is very hard to get motivated to do anything, much less have the energy to focus and complete a task. By the end of the day, both Peter and I were wiped out emotionally and intellectually. Peter and I are a strong couple, and at the same time we are a broken couple. A broken couple, because when you lose your child, you lose a part of yourself as well as part of the foundation that solidifies the union of your marriage. We grieve the loss of Mattie always, but we also grieve the loss of being parents and how this bonded us together each and every day.
I would like to end tonight's posting with a message from my friend, Charlie. Charlie wrote, "It sounds like good progress is being made on all fronts. While the internet is helpful, it is a two sided sword and you can easily find yourself overwhelmed with the amount of information that is available with just a few clicks. Although time is short, make sure you take breaks and do some self care for yourself. Take a walk around the block, drink some tea away from the computer, or do anything else that you feel relaxes you. Doing that will make your time when you come back to your project more focused and productive. The breaks don't have to be long to be helpful. As I practice today I will send you the energy to help you as you continue your work; as I work on my balance, remember to balance yourself as well. I hold you gently in my thoughts."
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