Mattie Miracle 15th Anniversary Video

Mattie Miracle Cancer Foundation Promotional Video

Thank you for keeping Mattie's memory alive!

Dear Mattie Blog Readers,

It means a great deal to us that you take the time to write to us and to share your thoughts, feelings, and reflections on Mattie's battle and death. Your messages are very meaningful to us and help support us through very challenging times. To you we are forever grateful. As my readers know, I promised to write the blog for a year after Mattie's death, which would mean that I could technically stop writing on September 9, 2010. However, at the moment, I feel like our journey with grief still needs to be processed and fortunately I have a willing support network still committed to reading. Therefore, the blog continues on. If I should find the need to stop writing, I assure you I will give you advanced notice. In the mean time, thank you for reading, thank you for having the courage to share this journey with us, and most importantly thank you for keeping Mattie's memory alive.


As Mattie would say, Ooga Booga (meaning, I LOVE YOU)! Vicki and Peter



The Mattie Miracle Cancer Foundation celebrates its 7th anniversary!

The Mattie Miracle Cancer Foundation was created in the honor of Mattie.

We are a 501(c)(3) Public Charity. We are dedicated to increasing childhood cancer awareness, education, advocacy, research and psychosocial support services to children, their families and medical personnel. Children and their families will be supported throughout the cancer treatment journey, to ensure access to quality psychosocial and mental health care, and to enable children to cope with cancer so they can lead happy and productive lives. Please visit the website at: www.mattiemiracle.com and take some time to explore the site.

We have only gotten this far because of people like yourself, who have supported us through thick and thin. So thank you for your continued support and caring, and remember:

.... Let's Make the Miracle Happen and Stomp Out Childhood Cancer!

A Remembrance Video of Mattie

May 7, 2010

Friday, May 7, 2010

Friday, May 7, 2010

Tonight's picture was taken in May of 2008. I captured this picture before Mattie headed off to grandparent's day at his school. Mattie was excited to show my parents his school. Fortunately for me, Mattie liked the whole experience of getting dressed up, and was beaming about the concert he was going to perform in that day. I decided to post this picture because today was grandparent's day at Mattie's school, and I remember how hard the school worked to make this a memorable day for the families. I only attended one event, but it remains with me today.

Poem of the day: Together by Charlie Brown


As I was walking
Out in the air
I saw an older couple
Just sitting there
They looked so happy
So content to just be
I wondered if someday
That would be you and me
We've seen a lot
And been through more
But our love is solid
At its very core
Memories bind us
Some sad, some joy
As we go on without
Our son, our little boy.

I began my morning by visiting the George Washington University, my alma mater. Our Associate Dean generously donated an item to our Walk's raffle, and I coordinated a time to pick it up. It is funny, I had prepared myself for the tough visit I was going to have in the afternoon, Mattie's school, but wasn't prepared to have any feelings about going into the building where I spent many years to earn my doctorate. For me the unexpected is usually what sets me off, and it set the whole tone for the rest of my day. I am very sensitive to places and space and as I was walking into the building I could literally recall my many hours in that building. Specifically I recall being there when the trauma of cancer was not in my life. As I walked up the stairs to the dean's office, I remembered as a student having the energy to run up the stairs, two at time some days. Now just walking up the stairs took mental and physical effort. But I think what set me off especially is I realized that the last time I walked in this building I was a different person. I am NO longer the person I was two years ago. Perhaps it could be said that I have become more sensitive and more introspective, but at the same time I am also more fragile, more emotional, and definitely not as sure and confident about myself or anything for that matter as I used to be. Anycase, perhaps this realization was in the back of mind, but today it crept into the forefront, and it was a bitter pill to swallow.

This afternoon, I met up with Ann and together we drove to Mattie's school to meet the "Magic Man," Bob Weiman (Mattie's head of the lower school). This was my first time back to campus since Mattie got sick. During the drive, Ann was working very hard to talk to me about how my morning went, and even handed me a chocolate chip cookie to prepare me for what I was about to experience. Chocolate is my medicine of choice! As we approached Bob's office, I saw Mary (Mattie's technology teacher). I gave Mary a big hug, and as always it is a pleasure to see her smiling and beautiful face. I then saw Bob and we gave each other a warm greeting. Through Mattie's illness, I had the opportunity to see the depth, sensitivity, and compassion within Bob. He visited Mattie regularly, taught him magic, made him feel connected to his school, and in essence Bob made me happy. Bob made me happy, because I could see the joy on Mattie's face, and the excitement Mattie had about learning magic tricks. In the midst of these visits, Bob and I always had stimulating conversations and for a person trapped in a hospital, this was a very welcomed and needed distraction. I have missed seeing Bob on a regular basis, and naturally I am deeply saddened that Mattie did not get to experience even one more year at St. Stephen's/St. Agnes School.

Bob took Ann and I on a tour of the playground area and offered me three possible locations to plant Mattie's memorial tree. The first location was fine, the second location did not gel with me at all, but the third location spoke to me. It spoke to me because it was near the sandbox, a place that Mattie LOVED deeply, and it was also a location which gets direct sun and it seemed like the perfect place to plant a tree. A tree which could provide shade for his friends (seems very symbolic to me). Bob gave me the choice of a flowering tree or a white oak. I selected a white oak. Not because it sounded good, but because Mattie loved oak trees. Why? Two reasons! The first reason is Mattie loved to collect acorns. I still have his acorn collection on our deck. When Mattie was in preschool he also would visit Kathie, his occupational therapist. Mattie loved Kathie, and in the spring would always insist that we stop by this oak tree near her office before visiting her. He wanted to stop so that he could bring her the perfect shaped acorn as a gift. Needless to say Kathie received MANY acorns over the years. The second reason Mattie loved oak trees is because we learned by the process of elimination that his tent caterpillars only liked to eat oak leaves. Mattie loved collecting caterpillars, and also cared for them through their entire metamorphasis process. So when Bob mentioned an oak tree, I knew this is what Mattie would have wanted.

After our tour of the playground, we went back to Bob's office and talked. I think the emotion of the day and the fact that it is also almost Mother's day has sent me on a spiral downhill. Bob and Ann were expressing how they want me to be happy, or happy eventually. The word happy makes me cry, because I am not sure that happiness can actually ever be achieved again, once you lost your child. Bob has seen me hysterical before, and he always handles it with class and dignity. Bob expressed his confidence in me to accomplish something meaningful and with purpose. Though I cried through parts of our meeting today, in a way, I was able to verbalize things I feel but do not always say. Somehow that alone was important for me to do.

I appreciated Ann going with me and I can only imagine what it is like for her to have to sit there and watch me in tears. Ann has dealt with her brother's and dad's cancer, and now she sees the aftermath of it again with me. It takes a great deal of love to want to intensely experience cancer for a third time, especially when it would be easy to walk away, yet there she remains with me. I spent some time this afternoon in Ann's garden. In a way being outside and quiet was needed.

As I was driving home, I was adjusting the necklace I had on. I have had this necklace for years, and what I like about this necklace is has a beautiful sun face pendant. This necklace has special meaning to me now, because it reminds me of Mattie's "Mr. Sun." Before I knew what was happening, I could feel beads falling everywhere as I was driving. The whole thing broke, and since I was driving, there was nothing I could do about it. I was already in a fragile place today, but the necklace breaking sent me right over the edge. To me it was symbolic of the loss of Mattie, or a life falling into pieces.

I received a beautiful e-mail tonight from Mary. Mary is a RCC mom and a friend. I included her e-mail below so you could read it yourself. I was very touched that she and her daughter went around town to local stores posting up our Mattie Miracle Pediatric Cancer walk flyers. Her daughter Emily considered Mattie her "friend." Mind you Emily really was never in preschool at the same time as Mattie, yet she did visit him in the hospital several times, and to her Mattie is important and has no trouble enlightening others to this fact. Got to love her convictions and her sensitivity! Emily's story touched my heart today and brought a smile to my face.

As we head into the weekend, all I can say is that my head and heart are heavy! I would like to end tonight's posting with two messages. The first message is from my friend, Charlie. Charlie wrote, "As I've said so much to organize and to get done for an event of this size. It is a good thing you are such a talented coordinator or this would not work. I know you've complained about both your memory and your ability to focus but I think you are doing better than you believe. This is really a lot of "balls" to keep in the air all at once and you seem to be managing them well. I really admire what you are accomplishing here and I am sure the walk will be all that you want it to. I think it is lovely that you and Peter were able to meet for lunch and discuss all the ideas you heard in the morning while you both had the energy and enthusiasm to work them through. And I have to say how happy I am that you are able to laugh; humor is what carries us through so many difficult and stressful situations and so I am glad Carolyn has helped yours has return. I hope today is another productive day as you continue to count down to the march. I hold you gently in my thoughts."

The second message is from my friend, Mary. Mary wrote, "Emily and I had a nice morning delivering flyers. Even at her young age, she knew we were doing something for an extremely important cause, and delivering the flyers really made her feel like she was doing something good. Emily had a nice conversation about Mattie with one of the retailers at a Framing Shop at Bradlee. He was impressed with her conversation about “her friend” Mattie and immediately taped the flyer right on his window. You remember that Emily always called Mattie “her friend” even though she barely knew him. She told the manager of the store that Mattie was a good boy. I’ve been recalling the spirit of when we delivered the flyers last year for Mattie’s March. It was all about the fight, and it brought us to tears to tell his story. This time around, it was even harder. It was yet another reminder that Mattie is not around any longer. It’s still about the fight, but so very, very different. I know that you had an emotional day today and will have a very emotional weekend. I want to wish you an early happy Mother’s Day. Please remember that you were an incredible Mother to Mattie! He loved you so much!"

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

My thoughts are with you, Vicki, on what is a difficult day for both of us.

Karen, Always Mother of Keaton
www.caringbridge.org/visit/keatonlee