Tonight's picture was taken in June of 2004. Mattie was two years old. Notice that I am sitting next to him in the back seat. In fact, I did not graduate to the front seat, next to Peter, until Mattie turned four. Peter and Mattie made a deal with each other, that by age four, Mattie was going to be a big boy, and not need me sitting next to him all the time. I am sure at the time, sitting next to Mattie for the simplest of car trips got to me. But looking back it really only showed one thing. Mattie and I shared a very close bond. In this particular picture, you see Mattie pitching a fit. The fit had to do with the fact that when we went through the McDonald's drive thru they gave us a chocolate shake for him instead of a vanilla one (we did not realize this mistake until after Mattie tasted it). Mattie truly disliked chocolate, and as his face clearly showed he wasn't happy with the chocolate mistake. Peter snapped a picture of us together in the back, most likely because we were both a riot. I was chuckling over Mattie's reaction to tasting chocolate, which only further inspired Mattie to ham up his response.
Poem of the day: Reconciliation by Charlie Brown
Another day of ups and downs
My birthday and
The announcement of what was
To bring us finally to the end
Of your life.
How can I reconcile that?
What is left to celebrate?
As I sit here
Tears on my face
I know I will always
Miss having you in my life
And I do grieve and
Will grieve again
All the losses of a lifetime.
On Sunday night, Ellen and her daughter, Charlotte, arrived back at their beach house. We had a chance to chat and even view the full "Mattie Moon" together. Both Ellen and Charlotte are very aware of the significance of the moon to us. I do not see Charlotte as often as I once did, but I have had the opportunity to see her a couple times in these past few weeks, and each time I do, it only confirms to me why Mattie liked Charlotte so much. Charlotte took pictures of the moon last night, and Peter was right beside her doing the same thing. However, before Charlotte went to bed, Ellen asked her daughter to say good night to us. Charlotte came over and gave me a big hug, and then did the same to Peter. Her hug was very sweet and I could feel that she wasn't just going through the motions. Her hug had substance to it, and what you need to understand is Peter and I rarely receive hugs from a child anymore. So when we do, I do take notice, and it leaves you with a special feeling, and a feeling of what we are missing.
This morning, we packed up our things, and said good-bye to Ellen. We are returning to Ellen's house for a week in August, and Peter and I are very grateful to her for her kindness and generosity. At around lunch time, Peter and I headed to Rehoboth Beach to see Tamra and her family, who are vacationing there. Rehoboth beach is about 15 minutes away from Bethany Beach, where we were staying. We walked around Rehoboth for a while, and then had a delightful lunch with Tamra, her husband, and two daughters, Louise (a sophomore at Rice University) and Meredith (a senior at St. Stephens and St. Agnes School). Louise and Meredith are both very familiar with Mattie and our family, since they helped care for Mattie in the Summer of 2009, before he died. They would occasionally come over to our home and play with Mattie, while we took a break from our in-home hospital routine. Louise and Meredith brought a great deal of life and energy to all their play sessions with Mattie, and those fun moments will never be forgotten by me.
They bestowed me with gifts, lunch, and a birthday cake this afternoon. It was a very thoughtful gathering, and while I was talking with Louise, I noticed she was wearing sea turtle earrings. I couldn't help but comment on them, since Mattie's preschool adopted a sea turtle named Roxana for Mattie, and since that adoption Mattie was always very focused on anything related to sea turtles. In fact, Tamra gave Mattie a mood ring, with a sea turtle on it, and this ring can now be found in my jewelry box , because it meant a great deal to Mattie. Louise and Meredith are both teenagers, however, one shouldn't let their young age deceive you. They are very mature, witty, and deeply feeling young ladies, and I can't help but notice that each time I see Louise she has Mattie's wristband on that says, "March for a Mattie Miracle."
Peter and I drove home this afternoon, and thankfully had a very smooth and uneventful trip. Our plants were happy to see us and to receive water, and I know Patches will be excited to return home tomorrow. I wanted to share some pictures with you that we took at Bethany Beach.
I am at the beach with Ann's daughter, Abigail, and her son, Michael.
Peter snapped a picture of Ann and Abigail with me and this special cake.
Peter snapped several pictures last night of the FULL "Mattie Moon." The moon was moving through clouds but it lit up the sky in an incredible way!
I would like to end tonight's posting with two messages. The first message is from my friend, Charlie. Charlie wrote, "I know that yesterday was incredibly difficult for you. As you said in the blog, what a birthday present to receive two years ago, a diagnosis of osteosarcoma. How do you put that aside and make anything of this day? Perhaps, rather than expecting to celebrate the day yourself, you can give the celebration back to your parents and have them and others recognize another day for you. I know that sounds strange, but I always send my parents a thank you on my birthday; I felt it was their day anyway, not mine. They sent me a note on my commissioning date as I felt that was the start of the life I chose to live. Maybe yours could be your graduation date or some other date that is meaningful to you. Just a thought. Regardless of the date you celebrate, you are correct that the best gifts are the gifts of kindness and thoughtfulness rather than material ones. I hope you got to see your "Mattie moon" last night. I dedicated my practice to you yesterday hoping you could find the strength to smile. I hold you gently in my thoughts.
Butterfly story from yesterday: I came out of the gym to find a butterfly on the windshield of my car. It was splayed there, not moving and I was afraid it was dead. I wondered how I could have driven to the gym without noticing it there? I left it there as it wasn't directly in my sights and I drove home (all local roads so I never went very fast). I pulled into the driveway and parked, and I got out to get paper towel intending to remove it and it fluttered its wings and came off the window. It flew over to the area where we have flowers that the butterflies like and it settled on first one flower and then another. It flew about for several minutes and then headed over to my neighbors' yard. All that time I kept thinking, "you seemed to be dead, but you weren't. I am so glad I was able to see you rise and take off" And that made me think of Mattie and his spirit which although it is beyond our sight, has taken wings and flown."
The second message is from my friend and colleague, Nancy. Nancy wrote, "Charlie has written some beautiful poetry and has such a way of restating your feelings and day's activity. She is a warm support and you are both lucky to have touched each other's life. As for life, I was so glad to read of how Peter and you spent the weekend. Abbie and Michael are such gracious reminders of a child's ability to understand feelings well beyond their years. It appears that everyone was anxious to give you a beautiful birthday dinner and they succeeded. I know that Mattie was with you as well and yet, you missed his wonderful hugs and smile. The article in the Washington Post was A - OK. Your picture in front of the couch with the large portrait of Mattie spoke volumes. Congrats to all of you who lobbied on the Hill this past week. It is with grassroots groups like yourselves who will see that action is taken by Congress. As we know, everyone wants to be a good guy and get reelected. We also know that this is an important cause and with all the money spent on frivolous spending, the least our leaders can do is support Family Values and Health Issues."
Hope you like my poem for today:
EACH DAY by Nancy Heller Moskowitz
I wake up to find
my mind filled with ideas,
memories and feelings.
Many include sadness,
a partner for these last ten months.
They say a parent is one forever,
yet, I've no child left to guide,
at least, not my own.
Tears are sparse, for then
I might feel the depth of my loss!
But, wait.
Yesterday, a Mattie Moon appeared
and for an instant,
I was happy!
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