Tonight's picture was taken in April of 2005. Mattie was three years old. Each April, around Mattie's birthday, the US National Arboretum has a magnificent display of azaleas, with a display that seems to go on for miles. In 2005, we took Mattie to see these colorful and vibrant gardens, and as he and I were walking hand and hand, Peter must have snapped a picture of us. This is one of many things I miss about Mattie. I miss holding his hand and the tenderness one can only receive from a child.
Poem of the day: Emotions 2 by Charlie Brown
Sometimes I think
What's wrong with me?
I can only feel the sadness
That's where I seem to be.
Since the day that I
Lost my little boy,
It's so hard for me to feel
Happiness or joy.
Those emotions just seem
To be so far away,
I wonder if I'll feel them
In my life again someday.
But right now I think
My heart is just broken
And when you see my smile
It is only a token.
Because grief swallows happiness
And leaves very little
Sorrow and sadness on each side
And me in the middle.
I would say today was a tough day for Peter. When I am not feeling well or doing well, this impacts him greatly. I have been feeling run down for several days now, and not sleeping well at night, which isn't helping my mood. Peter and I tried to go out for a bit today, but I simply wasn't up for much. I spent the afternoon dealing with laundry. Laundry for us has always been an adventure, because it is located in the basement of our complex. This is one of the downfalls of city living. How I managed laundry in the days I had Mattie in tow, and when every single item of his seemed to get dirty faster than I could clean it, is beyond me. However, today in the laundry room, I bumped into the older lady I told you about weeks ago. The one who gave me a hug and said I was a nice person to listen to her stories. She told me more about her life today and all the people she has had the opportunity to work for while living in DC. On her way out of the laundry room today, she came up to me, and wanted to touch my eyebrows. She did not tell me she was going to do this, but just did it. That was a first for me! I am not sure why she was compelled to do this, but frankly I allow older adults far more leeway, than I would someone my age or younger.
Peter and I had dinner together on our deck tonight. But we did not dine alone, Patches (our cat) came outside with us, and hopped up on a chair and literally sat between us. Reminiscent of where Mattie would sit. In fact, our deck table can fit four chairs around it. However, Peter always removes one chair, and keeps the table set up only for three. I find that very symbolic of how our family used to be!
This week, as you know, I had the good fortune of having a birthday party planned for me. At the party, in addition to the beautiful and very meaningful beaded necklace that I received, I also received some other gifts. One gift was in the form of an essay. My friend, Liza's (a SSSAS mom and our co-chair of the Walk logistics committee this year) son wrote an essay on COURAGE. Liza's son, Tommy, is a rising junior at St. Stephen's and St. Agnes High School. I have only met Tommy once, and though he technically doesn't know us, he seems to have embraced our story and has captured his thoughts and feelings quite beautifully in this essay. The essay is very touching, meaningful, and certainly deeply feeling. Tommy seems to understand the profound loss Peter and I are faced with, and his question and answer to Mattie's purpose on this earth caught my attention. When I first read the essay, it did make my cry because Tommy highlighted Mattie's courage and bravery. I couldn't agree more, children battling cancer are special people and their families supporting them in many ways are unsung heroes. I feel this was a special gift to receive on my birthday and I attached Tommy's essay below so you could have the opportunity to see what was on the mind and heart of this 16 year old.
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Courage by Tommy May
We all have courage. We read about it in school, and hear about it on the news, and we even find ourselves hoping that we have courage to do something. But what is courage? Is it going back into a fire to save peoples' lives? Or is it the kid that sits in the back of the class, that's bullied, but can still find it in himself to go to school because he has dreams and aspirations? Sure we read and hear about it, but it's something that cannot be taught, it's something that "you" have to find out. We all have it somewhere deep inside. But that's why its called courage, because it takes something more to be able to use it. Courage comes in many forms, whether it be the fire fighter, or the bullied kid, but to me one of the most courageous things to do is to fight cancer. Cancer plagues our world with sadness and hardship for millions of families, but how they get through that, that's courage! To fight something that you cannot see, have never seen and will never see takes something. You will get sick, you might not even know why you feel sick, just that there is something making this happen to you. But to be able to fight that is unbelievable.
There was a little boy at our school, his name was Mattie Brown. He died of cancer earlier this year. We would bring dinners to his family before and after he passed, and I remember the eve of his passing and I'll never forget what I said. I said to my mom that I think everyone dies for a reason. That God makes no mistakes. He has created us for our purposes, and to fulfill those purposes. Immediately after saying this, I remember thinking to myself, well then, what was his purpose? How could he have already fulfilled his purpose? Then I said to my mom, I think he was put on this earth to inspire us, to inspire us to save others like him, even though we could not save him. That someone will be inspired to make a cure for cancer and raise amazing amounts of money to make sure people get the medical attention they need. I'll never forget that night. I honestly never even met him, whenever we would drop food he was either sick or I was at school. But even just hearing my mom mention him and talk about her visits, he touched my heart, and has changed the way I look at things forever.
RIP Mattie Brown
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I would like to end tonight's posting with a message from my friend, Charlie. Charlie wrote, "I don't know how you could have sat in that auditorium and not reflected on last year and Mattie's attendance at the show. Abigail was his friend and I am sure in her heart she was missing him too. There is a fair amount of research on traumatic grief and it does in fact show changes to brain function and to the immune system as well. So there are physical changes that go along with the emotional ones. Apparently some of that can be helped by "retraining" the brain through meditation or Cognive Behavioral Therapy but it is a process and it takes time to create and reinforce new pathways. This might be something for you to try when you are ready. Those pathways for peace, happiness and learning are still there, but like an unused path through the woods, they are overgrown and almost out of sight. I think it was very astute of you to hold off on your comments about Mattie and to recognize that there are times we all like to be unique in someone else's thoughts, however, I do remember you making reference to Mattie as "shrimp boy" and how you tried to get him to continue to eat them as he wasn't eating all that well at that point. As I practice today I will send you my strength to help you through another day. I hold you gently in my thoughts."
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