Tuesday, July 27, 2010 -- Mattie died 45 weeks ago today.Tonight's picture was taken in July of 2007. Mattie was five years old. Mattie loved vehicles, all types: cars, trains, planes, and boats! As you can see, Mattie traced out a picture of a bus, but what always caught my attention in ALL of Mattie's pictures was he would draw a sun. A sun speaks volumes in a child's drawings. The sun tells us so much about our time, place, and orientation toward the world. Mattie's suns always had faces as well, usually smiling ones. I particularly love Mattie's smiling face in this picture, it matches the sunny picture he was holding. However, in this picture, you can see that when Mattie smiles his left eye seems to squint shut more than his right eye. My eyes do the same thing, as can be seen in many pictures, and it is eerie sometimes when I look at pictures of Mattie, how I feel as if I am staring at a picture of myself.
They say the light of the moon
Is only a reflection of
The light of the sun
Is that the reason
I feel so diminished by your loss?
You shined so brightly
That you illuminated all around you.
You were the sun and the moon,
And you lit up our home
Whenever you smiled.
The sun shines
And the moon glows
But they are too distant
To heal my broken heart
I miss my own Mattie Moon.
Charlie's poem, Mattie Moon, seems very appropriate as I reflect on the 45th week Mattie has been gone from our lives. As her poem accurately portrays, Mattie had a smile that did glow like the sun, and without that smile around, the world seems a little smaller, a lot less bold and beautiful, and much more ordinary. As I continue to deal with my grief, I have noticed one thing in particular. Sometimes when I am around other parents and their children, I feel invisible. Not that I am really invisible or that others are treating me this way per se, but not being a parent anymore puts me on the periphery. I haven't been able to actually describe that feeling until tonight, or maybe because it isn't a good feeling to focus upon, and therefore I try not to. Feeling invisible is not a concept that is novel to any of us, at some point in our lives, we are all faced with a social circumstance in which we feel out of place and virtually invisible to those around us. How do we become visible again? In my case, the answer to this is not so simple to generate.
I started my morning by heading to the vet to pick up Patches. When I got there, the people at the front desk of the clinic were surprised to see me. They are used to having Patches for VERY long boarding stays (when Mattie was in the hospital). Needless to say, they were sad to see Patches leave today, but I told them they would be seeing her back in a few weeks. Patches is a VERY vocal cat. The boarding facility is up one floor from where the check in desk is, but when Patches goes into her carrying case, you can hear her screaming a mile away. Patches is very happy to home today, and enjoyed time out on our deck, soaking up the sun.
I spent some time with Ann and her children today. Abigail's friend, Jackson is visiting from Pennsylvania. Mattie actually met Jackson in July of 2009, and they got along very well together, since they have similar personalities. Both of them are creative and love to build with Legos. When Jackson saw me today, I thought it was very sweet of him to tell me that he misses Mattie, and he enjoyed playing by the pool with him last July. That comment stayed with me all day. Jackson and Ann's son, Michael, went with us to visit Mary (Ann's mom). There are two other residents who live on Mary's floor at the assisted living facility, and though these individuals are most likely cognitively intact, they are unable to speak. I can only imagine the frustration these individuals feel, because they are trapped inside their bodies, unable to communicate. Today, I had the wonderful opportunity to see the power of children in the lives of older adults. Michael and Jackson used playdoh to construct different objects, and the older residents were intrigued by their creations. They got to hold what the boys created and you could see their faces light up because they had this young stimulation. Michael and Jackson then set up plastic bowling bins and balls with the two older residents. Neither resident could speak, but you could see in a way that their was an awakening. Their spirits were coming alive, as they were asked to participate in the fun. It was a sight I won't forget anytime soon, and it further proves the beauty of inter-generational interactions. Needless to say, in all the time I have visited Mary, I have never seen these two individuals more animated than today.
Later on in the day, I was with Ann as we picked her daughter up from gymnastics. Ann and I observed this mom come into the building with three children in tow. One child went into the gym for her class and her other two boys, who couldn't have been more than 2 and 4 years of age, were standing by her side in the lobby. This mom became engrossed in a conversation with her friend, and literally turned her back to her boys. As 2 and 4 year old boys will do, they wandered around, and then wanted to leave. But their mom did not take notice. For some reason, these little boys saw a woman with blond hair, who they thought was their mom, heading out of the building. So they began to run to catch up with her. Ann was watching this whole scene, and began running after the boys. Ann was on the boys, and I was simply glued to the mother, who was absolutely oblivious to the fact that her sons left the building and were heading into a parking lot following a woman who wasn't even their mother. Ann got a hold of them right before they hit the parking lot and when she brought them back inside to find their real mom, their mom did not take notice. She did not even look up. She continued talking and basically did not even realize what transpired while she wasn't paying attention. This whole scenario today troubled me. It bothered me on many levels. First, I did not care for the subtle message this mom was sending her children, which was her conversation was more important than their whereabouts and safety. Second, I did not see any other parent concerned about these children wandering outside the building. If it weren't for Ann, what would have happened to these children today? Third, what I regret is I did not go up to this mom and explain to her what I observed. Maybe because I was just too stunned by her total disregard! She has three healthy children, and yet doesn't seem to appreciate that and the responsibility that comes with parenthood. She left me disillusioned and upset.
While writing tonight's blog, our friend, Carolyn (the chair of the raffle committee for this year's walk) was e-mailing me back and forth. Since she knows Ann and I to be like Lucy and Ethel (from I love Lucy), she was trying to provide me with a TV analogy for herself and her close friend. She came up with Laverne and Shirley. Well this got us on a whole 1970's TV discussion. As Carolyn is so good at, she got me laughing tonight!
I would like to end tonight's posting with two messages. The first message is from Mattie's oncologist and our friend, Kristen. Kristen wrote, "Another Tuesday has arrived and with it, my thoughts of you. I hope you had a nice beach retreat. We've lost power and probably won't have it back until Thursday or Friday. I'm wishing I was at my own beach retreat right now!! There are so many meanings one can find in the movement of water... At times, grief is like a wave which ebbs and flows into shore. Sometimes, the water is rocky and stings as it hits you. At other times, it envelopes you slowly and carries you away before you realize it. My hope, is someday the water will bring you a sense of peace as well. Thinking of you, this Tuesday and everyday."
The second message is from my friend, Charlie. Charlie wrote, "I am glad you had a break from DC and although it was hot at the beach as well, I am sure it was a more pleasant environment overall. Thank you for posting that picture of the cake as I kept trying to picture what it looked like and I can see I was definitely off the mark. I think it is very playful as well as thoughtful. It's great that you had the opportunity to visit with so many friends over the course of the weekend in a more relaxed place. I really liked Nancy's poem and as she said "a parent is one forever" and I hope you can find an outlet for the skills and love you bestowed on Mattie. I hold you gently in my thoughts."
No comments:
Post a Comment