Tonight's picture was taken in July of 2002, at Mattie's baptism, three months after he was born,. Father Jim Greenfield baptized Mattie. Jim and I go back a ways since we met each other at the George Washington University. Jim was the priest overseeing the University's Newman Center. He gave me my first clinical client, he gave Peter and I Pre-Cana (a process to prepare to be married in the Catholic church), he baptized Mattie, and he even presided over Mattie's funeral. All of this happened in a very short period of time. When I look at Mattie's baptism picture it is truly impossible to believe that Mattie is gone from our lives. He was full of energy, life, and spirit that day. Jim allowed us to have a private baptism for Mattie, so this sacrament wasn't part of a regular church mass. When Jim was pouring water on Mattie's head, Mattie literally smiled! Jim said that was a first for him. I remember picking out Mattie's outfit and it is hard to understand how such a healthy baby has died so young.
Poem of the day: Heart and Mind by Charlie Brown
Could I stop thinking of you?
Somehow that doesn't seem right.
Memories of who you were,
Fill the spaces of my day and night.
Whenever you are not on my mind,
I think it is guilt that I feel.
And sometimes I can't believe you're gone,
Truthfully, that just doesn't seem real.
While I know that you're gone
And you will never return,
That's a lesson my heart,
Just can't seem to learn.
Maybe inside I hope,
If my life is so tough,
Somehow G-d will say,
She's suffered enough.
And then send you back,
To where you belong.
I know that can't happen,
But I'd like to be wrong.
So until my heart learns,
What's known by my mind.
I guess I will keep searching,
For what I can't find.
Two particular sentences in tonight's poem have caught my attention... "Somehow God will say, she's suffered enough. And then send you back, to where you belong." If only it was that easy to allow God to see one suffering so much, that in the process God would grant us peace. In our case the peace to have Mattie back with us. Despite my intense feelings and pain, I am very aware of the fact that I am not the only one in the world suffering. There are many others who may feel like I do over a loss, or an illness, a psychological issue, financial hardship, divorce, the impact of serving in the military, and the list goes on. I hope it is clear to my readers that as I write each night, I am not claiming the cornerstone on pain, and regardless of my circumstances, I try to be sensitive to what others have and continue to go through.
However, with all that said, I find that I am going through a very difficult point in the grief process now. It is when I hit this point, I wonder when and if I will ever be able to pull out of it. It is scary at times, with no end in sight or hopes for brighter days ahead. I am not sure what triggered this, perhaps coming back from vacation, back to the reality of our surroundings and our life.
I was focused on seeing Ann and her cousin, JP, today. In fact, knowing that JP wanted to see me, motivated me to get up and pull it together. In a few short hours we accomplished a lot together, and in the process we also got to see Mary, Ann's mom today. Mary told me she was worried about me, but was happy to see me. Mary had many visitors today between her grandchildren and friends, and she was soaking it all in. What is evident though is that visiting Mary not only perks her up, but it also perks up her fellow residents. It is wonderful to see them smile or try to engage with you and on days like today I can't help but feel frustrated. I am frustrated because I know at one point all these residents were vibrant people, and yet to see them stricken into their current state is very sobering. Frankly I think a visit to a hospital and a nursing care facility are mandatory exercises for our younger generation. So much can be learned about the fragility and beauty of life by helping others in this capacity and in turn we learn more about ourselves than we thought even imaginable.
This afternoon, I went to the airport to pick up my parents who were returning from Copenhagen. They had a wonderful trip, but they both came home quite ill. They are naturally on another time zone, and that did not help how they were feeling either. Once I got them settled, I mobilized into action and made hot tea and homemade chicken soup. When Peter came home from work, he jumped right in to help me, and together we made a wonderful soup. Before dinner, Peter and I sat outside together and chatted and tried to recapture the time we had at the beach. Uninterrupted time, time to connect and talk.
Over soup and dinner, we got to hear about my parent's trip. Naturally they were exhausted, so I am sure we will continue to hear more over this next week. But they bestowed on me a beautiful set of nesting dolls from St. Petersburg. They are a true work of art, and I put them near Mattie's music box (which hold his ashes). I think Mattie would have loved these nesting dolls and found them very whimsical.
I would like to end tonight's posting with a message from my friend, Charlie. Charlie wrote, "Unfortunately, we are not in control of our lives. We may make decisions but ultimately, what happens to us is beyond our ability to control. All any of us can do is to realize that the time we have here is limited and try to use it the best we can given our gifts/talents/interests and our limitations. I believe the key to you finding satisfaction in your life is to retake an "inventory" of your talents and interests (and you are one of the brightest, most talented people I have ever met) and find a way to use those going forward. If not thinking about Mattie brings you guilt, then consciously dedicate any project you are about to embark upon to him; make him a part of the things you decide to do. Whether it is work with your hands, like gardening or creating something for one of Ann's children, or whether it is writing or"mindwork," dedicate it to Mattie and then do it to the best of your ability. Bring his memory to you, and then do the things you need to do. Perhaps you can even come up with something that represents Mattie for you and find a way to incorporate it into what you do. Adding a butterfly to a design, or a car or a "circle" over the "i" representing the moon when you sign your name. It can be anything meaningful to you and it can add Mattie's memory to anything you do. I have had to take my practice alone this week due to meetings and I miss the energy that the group generates for me; I encourage you to continue to make yoiur connections to friends and family for the same reason. I hold you gently in my thoughts."
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