Tonight's picture was taken on April 4, 2005. This is a follow up to last night's picture. At Mattie's third birthday party, we had a college student perform magic tricks, create balloon animals, and introduce the children to his bunny, Hobbs. As you can see, Mattie just loved Hobbs and was sitting very still so he would not scare the bunny. What you may not be able to see in the picture though was Mattie was listening very carefully to the instructions that Hobb's owner was giving him. Mattie enjoyed hearing about what the bunny liked to eat and how best to pet him.
Poem of the day: Here and There by Charlie Brown
I was out in the world today
But with you gone it's hard to play
So I sat watching those little birds
And hoping that my prayers are heard
That you are somewhere beyond pain
Where only flowers are brought by rain
And that the moon and sun's lights
Fill your new "world" with beautiful sights
But I'm still here in the place
Where you lost your final race
And hoping someday to meet again
In that place far beyond the pain.
Last night Peter and I sat outside on the deck and were able to stare up at the incredible light show in the sky. The sky by the beach is filled with stars for as far as the eye can see. A sight we never can observe in the city! We sat there for at least an hour, at times chatting, but at other times just taking in the glow of our surroundings. Peter did not tell me, but he was clearly waiting for me to see a shooting star. I did see something flash before my eyes, but I told him I thought it was a bird flying by. He did not challenge me on that pronouncement, but most likely he knew that was NO bird. However, the second time I saw this occurrence I realized that what I indeed saw was a shooting star. A first for me. Something that Mattie never had the chance to see, but I know he would have been in awe. Despite having a relaxing day yesterday, I did not have a good night of sleep on Saturday night. This is naturally very frustrating.
Peter and I spent a good portion of the day sitting on the beach. It was another overcast day, and at times there was spitting rain. Nonetheless, it was lovely to hear the sights and sounds of the sea. This weather is right up Peter's alley, but for me, it is cold. I was most likely the only one on the beach with a fleece jacket on and towels over my legs in lieu of blankets. I packed lunches for us as well, and what I quickly saw was a seagull had adopted Peter. This seagull literally sat with us the entire two hours we were on the beach. Peter at times was squawking at the gull, and I hate to say it but the gull responded back. It was as if they were having a conversation with each other. We took many pictures of "Christobal," the name I gave this particular gull. Why? Because Peter was feeding this gull the lunch I made him, and this gull apparently liked tomato and mozzeralla salad, including basil, and he also loved fresh peaches. So I felt this discerning gull, needed a special name, so I named him Christobal, after Christopher Columbus. Unfortunately while transferring photos from the camera to Peter's computer tonight, I lost all the photos. I was so disappointed because we captured the many wonderful sides of Christobal, and we even snapped a picture of him talking to Peter. That is what I get for not bringing my own computer, but you will have to take my word for it. This interchange was very memorable, and when other seagulls approached us, Christobal had a fit. He would chase other birds away and became very territorial about us. I can only imagine what Mattie's reaction would have been to all of this. He would have loved it and would have told this story for weeks to come!
For the past two days, Peter and I have been taking a different pathway to get to the beach. On this particular pathway, we pass someone's charming garden. However, what captures my attention in this garden is a stepping stone that reads, "Those we have held in our arms for a little while we hold in our hearts forever." Each time I see this stepping stone, I feel as if it is calling me. I feel it speaks to my personal loss and tonight I came back and googled this quote. It turns out that this stepping stone is a gift that is sold to people who have lost a child. Somehow that doesn't surprise me, and even if I did not know this fact, I feel a real connection to the person living in this house. I understand the pain that they must feel and I am deeply touched by the stone they have outside for all of us to read and reflect upon. It is a stone that I would like to someday incorporate into my own garden.
I would like to end tonight's posting with a message from my friend, Charlie. Charlie wrote, "I appreciate Nancy's poem especially the line about keeing Mattie''s smile like a warm and comforting vest. That's really all we can do is to carry some piece of our loved one with us to comfort us when we are in need. Beyond that we can watch for and appreciate the signs they send us that they are still connected to us and will be there to welcome us home. It's too bad that the beach towns are all madness this weekend but perhaps some peaceful, quiet time is what you need anyway. Please try to relax and enjoy the time; the dues for this have long been paid and both you and Peter gave far more than your share. I agree with Nancy that death is a paradox, it ends suffering for those who are in pain but it brings pain and suffering to those left behind. As I practice today I send you the thought to allow yourself to immerse in the serenity of the natural world and to let it begin to help you heal. I hold you gently in my thoughts."
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